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#469310 - 08/24/14 08:00 AM Family members who were abused&comfort
Kitty6 Offline

Registered: 08/21/14
Posts: 2
Hi there.,

I'm new smile
I just have a question, my partner was SA by two females before he was a teen., and his cousin was abused by other family members. My partner comes from a line of family that have been abused.. I read something recently that my partner wrote about his cousin and him being "close" and "things happening" ... I guess I can assume this was of a sexual nature in some way perhaps just kissing etc, but don't want to come out and ask him...
I read along time ago before knowing of the abuse that family members who are abused usually end up "doing things" together for comfort reasons.

So my question is, has anyone else had to deal with this and how do you? Is it something that happens often between family members who have been abused?

Edited by Kitty6 (08/24/14 08:00 AM)
Edit Reason: checking spelling

#469486 - 08/29/14 11:00 AM Re: Family members who were abused&comfort [Re: Kitty6]
journey4two Offline

Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 10
Hello Kitty :-) I am new here also and don't have any factual information to answer your question. Wish I did. Thought I'd reply nonetheless in case you were feeling "unseen". FWIW, as I journey on with my survivor, my questions change. Also, sometimes it takes a while for their answers to come to the surface. My husband's ability to disassociate with an event are something that I am only now trying to come to terms with (to me it looks like he is lying or being evasive). Recovering together seems to require a total paradigm shift. I personally am a "giant head on wheels"... having answers is how I comfort myself and feel safe. Not getting answers immediately when I ask for them has been very difficult. Reading this forum helps tremendously. So, while many of specific questions of my husband go unanswered, there is a lot information here to keep my mind busy and my heart soothed.

#469505 - 08/30/14 05:20 AM Re: Family members who were abused&comfort [Re: Kitty6]
ALovingMum Offline

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 37
Loc: England
Hi Kitty,

I haven't been on here for ages, but the guys and ladies here are always wonderful.

To try and assist with your questions - it isn't safe to jump to conclusion that things that happened between your husband and his cousin (is it male or female cousin?) is sexual without evidence or him confirming same to you. So ask him politely and with understanding and love and without judgement. He may come out and tell you himself. If he doesn't don't push it, respect his timeline and the fact that he may not yet be ready to make that disclosure or be able to deal with the outcome of the disclosure.

Lastly, it isn't an inevitable outcome that family members who were sexually abused separately or together would end up being sexual (incest) with each other for comfort or for whatever reason simply because they were sexually abused. There is no research or factual evidence that I'm aware that supports that view.

I hope this helps.
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

#469524 - 08/30/14 10:38 PM Re: Family members who were abused&comfort [Re: Kitty6]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 682
Loc: NJ
I guess I would be careful on this topic because it is probably really full of shame for him - and honestly, it is all just part of his experience - and when we, as supporters, focus on a specific piece of information, it tends to make them shut down as they see it as us not just listening, but rather judging. My husband has dropped similar pieces of information on me over the years....

On this topic, I know of no specific data but I will say that I suspect that children who are sexualized at a young age tend to be inappropriately sexual (or inappropriately non-sexual).

#469563 - Today at 03:49 AM Re: Family members who were abused&comfort [Re: Kitty6]
Kitty6 Offline

Registered: 08/21/14
Posts: 2

I was just curious as to survivors or family and friends who had had similar info told to them. I wasn't sure that there would be any specific data showing this as a "fact".

I sometimes forget that I actually need to talk about things too., It's not always easy bringing up the past especially with someone who is trying to work through theirs and it is like bringing up past pains.

I decided not to ask this question to my partner., it was a female cousin btw.. thats not saying that later on it might come up but after my initial shock, i think it should be something that he tells me rather than asking, and him feeling like i am pushing him or judging him.

I'm not always the best at keeping a level head when faced with something that upsets me, especially when it comes to my partner.. and taking into consideration that it is his past i think as Esposa mentioned its something i should be careful about..

It really helped to have your opinions and have people to talk too! smile thanks for replying all of you! It made a big difference to figuring out if i should say anything or not.


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