At the turn of this new year I finally committed to taking serious steps toward taking care of myself after living a lie for 42 some years. I found this website and the incredible community of fellow survivors, realizing not only was I not alone, but had a safe place to come read and discuss issues related to my own CSA. I was also able to locate and begin therapy to deal with the effects my abuse has had on my life thus far. Met and fell for a patient, loving, and understanding woman that loves me unconditionally. She's fully aware of my history of depression and sexual abuse at age 14, and supports any and all recovery efforts.
Recently attended my first WoR, and left feeling like I made great progress, even reconnecting with the confused and scared little boy of 42 years ago. Arrived home with new found coping skills and a confidence I'd never known my whole life. And yes, we were warned that the "high" we might be feeling immediately after the weekend would quite likely subside and that a setback, or letdown might likely follow.
I even felt confident enough to occasionally reply to other's posts here, hoping I might have something positive and helpful to share with you guys. And now feel a bit like a fraud. Sunday, after my girlfriend left for home, I began to sense an upcoming visit from my familiar, yet unwelcome companion called melancholy. Having dealt with depression most of my adult life, I just shrugged it off.
Yesterday morning the "crash" came hard and fast. I've never felt so shitty, so quickly without any apparent reason. Just that oppressive blackness, descending hard and without mercy. Questioning both my ability to love and be loved in return. Even more perplexing I found myself pondering if I even deserve happiness after struggling so long to finally obtain it.
I'm feeling much better today and would like to think that I've just experienced one of those backward steps. I've spent enough time reading here to know this isn't unusual, slipping backwards, but the suddenness and intensity of my feelings really caught me off guard.
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore