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#469140 - 08/19/14 11:51 PM i need your help guys...
pattom Offline


Registered: 05/20/14
Posts: 40
Loc: Southern Midwesternish
it seems that i have demoted myself here. i have once again become a lurker. i have been exchanging PMs with a few of you, but for the last couple of months i have been very silent in the public forums. i read everything in the forums. i have even tried to reply to a few messages, but i always press delete instead of send. today it dawned on me why. the last few months have f***ing sucked. my memory is clearing up and what i see leaves me speechless. my csa was violent. my t and a few of my friends here are encouraging me to call it what it was/is... rape. whenever i get too close to the core of it, i stutter. its more than stuttering, its like i lose my words or cant find the right ones to use. im thinking that my inability to share openly here in cyberspace is the virtual equivalent to the stuttering. as well as the deep seeded feeling that i dont have anything to say that will matter or make a difference. this is extremely frustrating for me. i have always been able to express myself clearly. now its like my perp is f***ing the words deeper inside of me. once again, he has isolated me, even here in this place.

i need help guys. does anyone else understand this? am i crazy? i really need to talk with anyone else who experienced violence with their csa. im scared guys. even 44 years later, i am still terrified of my perp, intellectually, i know he can never hurt me again. emotionally, i dont believe it. i dont know what to do here... the "ghost" of my perp is still intimidating me.

patrick
_________________________
Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid.
You've taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway.
Laurell K. Hamilton

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#469141 - 08/20/14 12:20 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pattom

i need help guys. does anyone else understand this? am i crazy? i really need to talk with anyone else who experienced violence with their csa. im scared guys. even 44 years later, i am still terrified of my perp, intellectually, i know he can never hurt me again. emotionally, i dont believe it. i dont know what to do here... the "ghost" of my perp is still intimidating me.

patrick

I have certainly gone through similar feelings. I experienced what might be called torture. The return of feelings is almost like the waves coming in to the beach. The emotions come in waves and in between you can have some tranquility.

Puffer


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#469145 - 08/20/14 12:50 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Patrick,

I endured a LOT of violence with abuse. I've had periods where my throat would involuntary choke off, and I would be unable to talk if I was trying to talk about my abuse. I still go into panic attacks as I move deeper toward putting emotions and pictures of original events together. I know, for me, that bringing my emotions and the events together seems to be the way to getting closure for me, and it is a slow, slow process. I wonder if you are setting expectations for progress for yourself that are just not reasonable. This stuff can not be rushed, IMO.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#469156 - 08/20/14 06:28 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: pattom
i need help guys. does anyone else understand this? am i crazy? i really need to talk with anyone else who experienced violence with their csa. im scared guys. even 44 years later, i am still terrified of my perp, intellectually, i know he can never hurt me again. emotionally, i dont believe it. i dont know what to do here... the "ghost" of my perp is still intimidating me.

patrick

NO - you are not crazy.

most likely you are now feeling - in full force, the fear you experienced as a child - but either had to deny or bury or ignore in order to survive and carry on with life.

keep reminding and reassuring your self - and your younger self - that you are both safe - and that the perp can no longer reach you.

i ran across a comment last night in a book i am reading:

"I've noticed that when I deny the anger I am feeling, it turns into fear."

(John Eldredge in "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul")

this had never occurred to me, but it may explain why i have felt so much fear in my life - and so little anger.

i don't know if anger or lack of it has been an issue with you - but it might be worth exploring...
Lee

PS - good to have you back contributing again!


Edited by traveler (08/22/14 03:55 AM)
Edit Reason: sp of name
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#469157 - 08/20/14 07:19 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
HI Lee,

Thanks for the anger into fear quote. I have been doing huge anger work for a few months now. It explains a lot.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#469163 - 08/20/14 10:35 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1708
Pattom

Many us were raped and that is violence. However others had other violent aspects to their abuse. For me the rape was violence but he controlled me more with words and other actions. He did penetrate me in different ways, with his body, a crucifix and other objects. He had an older boy, who only did what he was told, so we could get out of there. I hated this boy for a lifetime, I still see his face and for a long time I could feel what he did to me. I have learned he was like I, controlled by the abuser and he did not want to hurt me. He died so young, drugs or suicide I never knew for sure. I remember his mother and father's face at the church. I cannot remember their names but today I would tell them what happened. Their son tried to protect me but the only way was for him to do what the priest would have done more painfully. I would have told him this probably left him with demons that he could not control.

To me this is violence--it does not have to be physical it can be emotional and psychological.

All abuse victims are violated and subject to some level of violence. It is hard to share because until I opened up I could not use the word rape nor could I speak of what happened in the church cellar with the priest and the older boy. But once I wrote it, and I wrote it many times to myself before I shared it here. The support and responses helped me face the past in an honest manner, no longer denying what had been done. Over time it set me free.

The perp is a ghost of the past and learning and accepting it was the past and not the present, helps to destroy the ghost. It takes time and fear is something we all face. But once we share the fear becomes secondary and ultimately it does not hold us back.

Pattom, good luck and I understand what you are facing. It all seems so overwhelming because it has been festering internally for so long.

Kevin

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#469243 - 08/22/14 01:21 AM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: KMCINVA]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 195
((((Patrick))))
It was not your fault.
You are among friends, you are safe.
Warmly,
JM
_________________________
My Story

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#469266 - 08/22/14 01:58 PM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 130
Loc: SF Bay Area
pattom

My CSA, while relatively contained in time (it wasn't ongoing for very long), was violent and was a rape. It took me awhile to call it rape. I called it "being taken advantage of" at first and when I finally called it rape, it was incredibly difficult to say, even just to myself, and came after a period of very intense soul searching and therapy. And I cried the first time I called it rape, for quite a while. It was a shocking realization that reframed my relationship with my abuser, with my abuse, and with myself.

I got angry at so many more things that I used to for at least a solid month after calling it a rape. That anger was beautiful and necessary and did eventually pass. What you are talking about is one of the many rough spots of healing, but a progressive step nonetheless.

Lastly, I think you should feel free to come and go from here as your needs and emotions dictate, as long as you are not leaving on a note that will leave people excessively worried (like a suicide threat and then disappear for awhile) and as long as you have the support you need outside of the forums. This community is a place for love and care and thinking out loud. It is a gift for abuse victims, it is not an obligation, nor is it a social hierarchy within which you can lower your standing. I've had phases where I came here less, phases where I only read and couldn't find the words to speak, phases where I preferred the chat room, phases where I PM'd more, phases where I use the forums. It's all good. Listen to your gut with an open mind and a healing heart and you will go far smile


Edited by NoSimpleMachine (08/22/14 02:01 PM)
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#469269 - 08/22/14 03:02 PM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
Nothing Man Offline


Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 65
Loc: Ohio
Pattom, one of my perps was my mother. Not only did she molest me but she also was physically and mentally abusive toward me. Even now she haunts my dreams -- the most recent was her being verbally abusive toward me over nothing, which was her SOP. Even though she has been dead nearly 16 years I still have an amount of fear of her -- fear that she would hit me, hurt me, touch me -- and even though she is dead and know she cannot ever hurt me again, she is still there in my present. I am working with my therapist to try to get over her crap. So I know how you feel and send you support.

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#469325 - 08/24/14 08:38 PM Re: i need your help guys... [Re: pattom]
Greg56 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 31
I think I know what you're going through. I used to be in the social work field as a "House Manager" and "Program" manager. I could talk to anyone about any thing and help them with their progression.

However, when it comes to myself or other(on here), I feel usless and tied, and most of all weak. I feel horrible that I can't find the words that will make someone feel less stressed or point them in some direction.

I am in hopes that as my "recovery" continues that I can find the "me" that I know is in myself.

Greg

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