Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
9 registered (JW1230, learning2remember, aniceguy, 4 invisible), 16 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63542 Topics
443969 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#468970 - 08/15/14 11:48 AM I need a pep talk
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 21
Loc: USA
I know nothing I am going through is uncommon.

Today, however, I just feel like crying.

I have a pretty good understanding of the effects my husbands abuse is having on him. I don't take it personal, I am supportive, and I'm usually a rock.

All of a sudden, I feel overwhelmed. It just seems like too much today. He told me 5 years ago he wasn't attracted to me,
so I backed off. It broke my heart and took years to grasp that my partner isn't attracted to me. Now during a discussion about our crappy sex life, he says he never said that, would never say that and would love to have sex with me all the time.

Two years ago, I saw he was having online sex with men via the webcam, while I worked nights. I saw this when I got home because he fell asleep with the screen still up. Again, heartbroken, I sucked it up. I am aware of the effects of his abuse and ssa but I let him know our relationship consisted of 2 people, him and me. What they were doing and saying was flat out cheating. Then I dropped it.

I know all this is not uncommon. I also deal with being mistrusted, and then being the best thing that's ever happened to him. I deal with him saying I don't make enough money (I make plenty) while he blows more money than I even knew about. He doesn't think I do enough but he literally does not one thing except get up and go to work. But I know I do absolutely everything, and do it well and work full time. So again, I let it all run off my back.

But after our conversation where he said he is attracted to me and wants to have sex with me, and we have resumed a very frequent sex life, I woke up at 3:45am to see him online again,
to have him quickly snap the laptop shut. I asked him what he was doing. He said "I don't know".

For some reason, after all I go through, this incident has hit me especially hard.

It took me years, but I have thick skin and I can properly put certain behaviors in their place and not take it personal.

I know I'll get over it, I always do. I know I should go to counseling, I don't. I know I need to take care of myself and I do.

Why am I sad? It's just that nothing is ever certain. I can't depend on anything he says because he will just say he never said it. If he says he won't do something, he probably will. It's such a difficult way to live and today I find it overwhelming.

I wish I didn't love him so much.

Top
#468981 - 08/15/14 08:10 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3336
Loc: O Kanada
i feel so bad for you.
i told my wife i was a sa survivor before
we got too involved. it was long before
we even got engaged.

i thought i would give a chance to
exit early on.
she stayed with me.
we have been together about 30 years.
married for 23.

of course, giving her fair warning was not fair.
she still had no clue what she was getting into.
neither did i, for that matter.

i have put that poor woman through hell.

but, to be perfectly honest...
she has returned the favour smile

csa survivors do not own exclusive rights to bad habits and inappropriate behaviour.
she brought her own childhood
baggage into this partnership also.

we are all human.
and humans are children trapped in adult bodies.

god bless your efforts to forgive and give love.
may you find peace, patience and power.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#468982 - 08/15/14 08:49 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Hi Nicole,

I hear your pain. I have been there.

This is just my 2 cents worth so take it for what it is worth but to me your husband sounds like not only a survivor but maybe a sex addict too. The empty promises of stopping and then not sound like a compulsion to me. I am not a therapist but unfortunately I am the wife of a survivor and sex addict and that is how it was with us.

There are online tests but I would see a therapist that knows about these things. My experience has shown me a lot of therapists don't know jack shit about male survivors or sex addiction. The best place to find a good therapist is through 12 step programs. My husband goes to Sex Addicts Anon. (and by the way, the majority of men and women there are survivors) and I go to the S'anon meetings for partners. Saved my life. Should you choose to go, you will find women who understand (and men too)

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Top
#468989 - 08/15/14 11:02 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: lucylives]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3336
Loc: O Kanada
thanks for the tip.

can't believe i have never heard of
Sex Addicts Anon. before you mentioned it.

will investigate.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#468995 - 08/16/14 12:09 AM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Hi Nicole,
Your post hit me kind of hard. Although my situation is a bit different a lot of what you wrote hit home for me. For years I was the rock. I let things go let them roll off. I work and take care of the house. In return I get a H who lies flip flops what he says and accuses me of everything. I don't earn enough money, I don't do enough for us etc. The same stuff you wrote about. For years I thought I was holding it together pretty well. The stress crept up on me slowly and at first I didn't see it for what it was.
I started suffering from insomnia and random aches and pains I could not trace to anything. Then I started getting random panic attacks. My calf muscles started to lock up and ache no matter how much I stretched. I started getting sick all the time even though I used to be someone who hardly ever even got a sniffle. Looking back I can see that it was years of built up stress and pressure from trying to hold down the fort by myself. I refused to let myself crack emotionally and so the stress came out in physical ways.
I'm not trying to scare you just drive home the importance of self care. I finally got my butt to a therapist and am in the process of redefining what I want for myself. Like you I'm choosing to stay in my marriage despite the costs. When I got married becoming a mom was front and center what I wanted. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that this may never happen which is very painful. I'm having to learn how to accept that perhaps my H will never want to spend time alone with me or be my friend. I am having to let go of so many expectations of what my life was going to be and how I pictured it. I'm doing this so that I quit making myself crazy.
I'm in the process of coming up with a new plan a plan that includes the reality of my marriage and it's current limitations. I'm trying find the places I can be happy despite being alone yet committed. An example it that because I don't have kids and H doesn't want to hang out I have a lot of time so I'm pursing biking and lifting. I'm starting to make friends in these two worlds and it helps give me a sense of belonging that I don't get at home.
So you wanted a pep talk and maybe this isn't a great one but I will tell you this. Since I've committed to self awareness and letting go all of my previous symptoms have gone away or vastly improved. I started getting massages from a local therapist I know and warned her that I may cry because I've stored up so much emotion in my body and that when this happens to just let me be. It didn't happen for months despite how painful they where because I was so knotted up. Last week I told her to just work on my calves and she did. After about 15 min I started crying pretty hard, waves of deep sorrow washed over me and let them come. Since then I've been able to finally stretch them out again thank god. I still have a twinge of pain in my heart when H takes off with his friends to go do god knows what. However I no longer feel all out panicked when it's 3am and he still isn't home. In fact I'm asleep looking forward to the gym in the morning.
Do I still let some things roll off yeah but if something is BS I say so and so should you. It doesn't mean you have to get into a fight about it but you should call them as you see them. Since when doesn't being supportive mean being an silent anchor 24/7?
Go after the life that you want and can achieve for yourself. You deserve it. I truly believe that very best thing we can bring to our partners if our best self and that requires taking some things for yourself.
I know that as a CSA wife it's so tempting to get locked into being the rock. It feels like somebody has to hold it together or everything will fall apart so we give and give until we are broken and exhausted and our husbands are still just as messed up as ever and now we are too.
So after all of that what I trying to say is. What do you love to do? Who do you want to be? Go after that and put all that strength you have into it. Be honest with your H and tell him what you are doing and try to be kind but don't hold back when it comes to you. Have a romance with yourself and realize that the rest is beyond your control. Inspire yourself to remember what makes your special and what you love about being alive. Let yourself cry and do what you need to do to release all the hurt and betrayal. MOVE FORWARD! Write, run, sing, dance,cycle, yoga, garden, cook, read. whatever your thing is do it and commit to that. Because you can control you. If you are a career woman go to work and kick ass at your job and climb that ladder.
YOU CAN DO IT! WHOOT WHOOT!
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#469010 - 08/16/14 09:11 AM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 21
Loc: USA
WOW, HD001, I feel like going out and climbing a mountain now!

Thank you all for great incite and advice.

Twenty years ago, when I found out, I read everything I could so I would have a better understanding of what he was going through and what I needed to do to be a good support person.

I learned back then that recovery was something he had to do on his own terms. To just love him and be there, but don't push, never push or pressure. That there were hurtful behaviors that he might exhibit that I shouldn't take personally, as it was just the effects of the abuse. Armed with all this information, I thought I was doing everything right. For him.

I got lost in it. I no longer existed. I was too kind, too understanding and I allowed him to bully me.

After years of this I toughened up a bit. It was the online sex that I saw, the day he left the screen up, that hit me hard. I could deal with everything else, even porn, but to have an actual person,with a name and that he gave his work phone number to, and a conversation where he says he's been with men...well that was too much. And I finally spoke up. To me, that's cheating, I don't know if he was physically with men but infidelity is the one thing he knew I detested, and he went and crossed that line, online or not, it was very real, trust me.

My feelings changed, I no longer care as much. He can rant all he wants, accuse me of whatever, I don't care. I know I'm a good person. I'm stronger, more independent, and I know I can make it on my own if need be.

I don't want to go anywhere, we actually have a really good time together. Things were looking up in the sex department and then wham...the laptop incident Wednesday night.

Guess I'm not as strong as I thought.

So thank you for picking me up. I've brushed off the dust and I do feel a little better. Maybe I'll get the nerve to go to the gym today (..after a year, ugh).

Top
#469013 - 08/16/14 09:43 AM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
finallyhere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/09/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Midwest
You are a strong woman and you can be proud of your strengths. However, I too am a male survivor, each of us has our own problems to deal so no one can really give another survivor much advice except he needs to get back on track. I have been through many, many therapists over the years. M y abuse was 42 years ago. I have been married for 34 yrs. I hadn't even identified it when I married, Things started getting hard for me but it wasn't until 6/7 years into marriage I was unfaithful. How I wish I never took that step. The pain my wife has been through, you know. I fought and didn't get into porn until pressures got me about a year ago. I gave in for several months. Things went bad, considered suicide, then my daughter took me to a local 'hospital'. I entered an 'intentsive outpatient program' that was primarily for addicts, suicide, depression, etc. It was a turning point I have looked for all my life. I was redirected to a therapist that deals with PTSD, abuse etc. Working with her has made the difference for me. I'm not on meds, they started me on depression meds but off now. She does EMDR which is an eye movement thing that reestablishes connection in the brain that were effected by trauma. I encourage him to step up and keep fighting. You sound like your are worth fighting for and I hope he realizes it.

Top
#469099 - 08/18/14 08:27 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
Going forward Offline


Registered: 04/08/14
Posts: 5
I understand the feelings Nicole is talking about;
we all have a need to feel loved and wanted. I
found out that my husband has been having
"Random male sexual encounters " throughout
our long marriage. According to his therapist it has been
a way of him reenacting his CSA; has anyone ever heard
of this? The one time my husband would discuss this
with me he told me he does this when he feels worthless
and hates himself. I am having a hard time accepting
this to be true.

Top
#469175 - 08/20/14 02:56 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Going forward your story remind me of a friend in high school. She had been raped and molested when she was little. As a teen and young adult she constantly had random sex partners. I asled her about it once. She told me that she wasn't sure why she did it because she always felt dirty and used afterwards but didn't know how to stop. Most of the women I know who've been sexually abused tend to either avoid sex or seek it out like a drug in damaging ways. From what I've read on here it seems like it is the same with men.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#469239 - 08/21/14 10:59 PM Re: I need a pep talk [Re: Nicole]
finallyhere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/09/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Midwest
Going Forward: Just from my experience I understand exactly what he is saying. That is why I have found my way here. I love my wife deeper than she will ever really understand all things considered. Yet I am just now learning how to deal with what I have lived with for so long. What happened in my life particularly from age 12 caused problems I did not comprehend. I thought it was all behind me. I thought it was my fault. When I married at age 20 I fully planned to keep it behind. It surfaced slowly at first but after 6 years I started with the worthless inadequate feelings. I could not picture myself as the good man I had become. I did not even know that was what was happening but I started on a self destructive course of reckless occasional encounters. I hate myself even more afterward. I felt so inadequate around other men that I could barely look them in the eye when talking. I guess it was my way of recieving aknowledgement. I now am understanding my PTSD, my security and inferiority feelings that fed the behavior. Been married 34 yrs now, love my wife, she loves me but it is not without pain. I'm sorry for what you experience from that side. I hope he can move forward, finding this site has been a blessing and I have just begun here along with current therapy. Best wishes. I hope he keeps fighting.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.