I had been dating a great guy for almost the last 2 years, kinda hard to believe. Truly the man of my dreams sexually, emotionally and on a level of connection and love i did not even know i was capable of. My kids think he is great, and my ex adored him. I know that it was not all me, but he pissed me off to the point that I just ran. No words like, hey i need a time out, or i can't speak right now i need to cool off, nope nothing. Like that little boy who was overwhelmed by emotion and could never put into words just lash out. To make it worse i broke up with him the next day, thinking i am making his life miserable and i love him too much to do that to him. I hate that sometimes what we think is reality is just not. Its part of the program for survivors. I drove away thinking to myself, what the fuck did i just do? I drove myself away in my own Big Yellow Taxi.
I tried to mend fences but too late. Drama is not pretty and its not a way to sustain a relationship.
So I take from this that THE RUNNING HAS TO STOP. understand what voice is speaking and recognize when its that little boy, he can express himself and have his tantrums but he doesn't get to have the final say. The adult me does.
I remember my first therapy session thinking OMG what a snap this will be. Fuck! Being in control of our little boy is so not easy, especially when we are overloaded emotionally. But the only we get to be kind to ourselves in the long run is understand we can have great compassion for his actions but it is not an excuse for letting him win. He wins, we lose.
Now I am working on forgiving myself and try to learn from the whole experience. peace.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. The little kid in me ran my whole life of relationships. That part of me was very, very damaged. I've been single for 20 years now, and the little kid me is a lot healthier, and seems to be integrating as I have done a great deal of rage work over the years. I read in another post today that rage turns into fear if not expressed. It makes a lot of sense to me. I still have rage to work out, and do the work whenever it feels right. But, I am going back out into the world now after several years of being a hermit. And, I know the little kid me has the power to sabotage me if I am not careful and verbal.
Sending you love and support.
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I also find that whenever I'm confronted with change in my adult life, the scared little boy inside me tries to sabotage my capacity to manage change with unhealthy behaviors-like binging on ssa internet porn and masturbation. Behaviors that risk the ability to manage change in a healthy and adult manner. It seems to me that this little boy just doesn't know how to handle change, and when confronted with change wants to avoid it by immersing itself into a cyber world that keeps me from living my reality.
Wow I REALLY feel this. That unpredictable mindset that overcomes you and says "running will fix this", you break off ties with someone or get out of a situation and then look back and go "what the hell just happened??" It's confusing to others and self-harming.
I've attributed such habits to a disconnect between the child inside and the adult intellect. The adult intellect can placate and soothe the child to a point, but at some point the child needs to vent and will throw a tantrum or something very much like it. The issue is that this is all occurring within one mind, one life! I can't claim to have found a fix (early days still) but I'm working on a new path of open communication between the intellect and the child and it feels positive. "We" can discuss problems and emotions before they result in real-life impacts, and move past them, because the child is irrational (yet emotionally tuned-in). The intellect has much to learn from the child; the misunderstood child will make its unhappiness known if the intellect doesn't try to learn.
When I realize how many of my external relationships have mirrored the lack of communication and emotional understanding within myself, the whole dynamic begins to change. I'm finally getting what people really MEAN when they talk about having to love yourself before you can love another.
Loving yourself, to me, means listening to your heart, listening to your mind, challenging perceptions, and taking the time and effort to better align the real world with our perceptions and emotional state.
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.
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