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#469061 - 08/17/14 01:07 PM learning to embrace loneliness help plese
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
So I feel pretty damn lonely. It sucks. I feel more alone in my marriage then I ever felt being single. I'm putting a lot of work in on myself and doing things that are good for me again and this feels good but this lonely thing keeps bothering me.
Maybe I'm not handling things as well as I want to believe that I am. who knows. This is one of the few places I come to be honest and try can connect with others who understand how you can be married but feel completely alone.

Me and H talk sometimes but only about mundane things. It drives me insane. Our relationship sucks but all he wants to talk about is the weather and what he did at work. We must just ignore the elephant in the room. It all feels so dishonest and plastic to me.

I've been trying to stop unloading on my friends about my
marriage. H feels uncomfortable with people knowing our stuff and I'm trying to honor his need for privacy. Also my friends are nice but they can't really help much. So when can I talk about it then. Our weird robotic relationship that feels unnatural. Maybe I'm not really upset that he is depressed maybe I'm just upset that my emotional needs never get a voice.
I hate feeling this way. Feeling lonely makes me feel weak and that is very uncomfortable.

I'm pretty mad at God right now too. I prayed a lot when deciding to get married. I felt strongly that it was a good decision. I'm left to believe that perhaps I'm supposed to just learn how to get comfortable with being alone.

Some of that partners on here have been in these types of relationships for 20 or more years and I don't know how they have done it. Please tell me your secret knowledge. I'm trying so hard to just embrace the reality of it. When I think about that this may be how it always is I just start bawling. I'm so angry at myself for choosing this. I was such an idiot.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#469077 - 08/17/14 06:47 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
Going forward Offline


Registered: 04/08/14
Posts: 6
It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done; being
married to a CSA survivor for more that 35years.
I certainly am not one to give advice but I am not
sure if the sadness and suffering ever gets better. No one
can understand what it is like to live with the lonilness and in
my case years of lies and mental and verbal abuse. I
may never understand why I have stayed on this
situation and although most days it seems like
this will never change I still have a little hope that
it may get better; if I had to do it all over again though I think
I would have walked away a long time ago. Be good to yourself
and know you have no control at all over how you
husband is feeling and you alone cannot change him.


Edited by Going forward (08/17/14 06:49 PM)

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#469091 - 08/18/14 05:02 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 21
Loc: USA
I too don't have much advice to offer you. I can't talk about any of this with anyone because I don't feel it's right to disclose his secret, and without that knowledge, anyone I would talk to would just think he's a bad husband and question why I stay. And that's not fair to him. So whether I'm in a room full of people or home with my husband, my only company is me.

I have tried asking if we could go out once a week or so, and just walk along the river or look in store windows or whatever. We have done that, and even if we're talking about the weather or work, it's still nice. Especially if you reach over and hold his hand. It's so much nicer than being home in a room full of dead air. It's definitely better than being in the house while one stares at the tv and the other's doing dishes.

On a couple occasions, I simply asked him for a hug because I just really, really needed one.

Like I said, I don't have answers. And I feel really bad that you are so alone. It is a horrible feeling that you didn't sign up or expect when you marry someone. I have gotten a little more bold over the years and will just take his hand, ask for a hug, or cuddle up next to him while he's watching tv. It's not the solution, but it helps at least for a little while.

Like Going forward said, it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Nicole

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#469225 - 08/21/14 02:21 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
HI

Responses below yours.

So I feel pretty damn lonely. It sucks. I feel more alone in my marriage then I ever felt being single. I'm putting a lot of work in on myself and doing things that are good for me again and this feels good but this lonely thing keeps bothering me.
Maybe I'm not handling things as well as I want to believe that I am. who knows. This is one of the few places I come to be honest and try can connect with others who understand how you can be married but feel completely alone.

Judith: If you have children and your husband is not change. you need to separate. The kids are learning about sex by watching how you to interact. I saw when My parents were have sex and when they werent by how they treated each other and I also learn about sex in how they acted. The key is if he is willing to change -the key is for starters is to get him talking. He has a fear of talking. And by asking questions he will be able to start discussing it with you. The key is he needs to heal the feelings of the past. You can help him big time. Remember he is going to have mother son issues too and so he is going to struggle a little at first regarding your responses to him but just keep love him and doing actions. He can figure it out.

Me and H talk sometimes but only about mundane things. It drives me insane. Our relationship sucks but all he wants to talk about is the weather and what he did at work. We must just ignore the elephant in the room. It all feels so dishonest and plastic to me.

Juidth; The way your going to address the elephant in the room is to light a fire under him and ask him questions

I've been trying to stop unloading on my friends about my
marriage. H feels uncomfortable with people knowing our stuff and I'm trying to honor his need for privacy. Also my friends are nice but they can't really h! elp much. So when can I talk about it then. Our weird robotic relationship that feels unnatural. Maybe I'm not really upset that he is depressed maybe I'm just upset that my emotional needs never get a voice.

Judith: THe door is always open to talk to me on a daily basis. even in PM. I am forced to retire early and I can talk whenever you need. I am sure it is both

I hate feeling this way. Feeling lonely makes me feel weak and that is very uncomfortable.

Judith: Yes you should not be lonely in a marriage.

I'm pretty mad at God right now too. I prayed a lot when deciding to get married. I felt strongly that it was a good decision. I'm left to believe that perhaps I'm supposed to just learn how to get comfortable with being alone.

Judith: No your not. I hate divorce but if the person is unwililng to change God talks about separate and or divorce if the person refuses to change. The key is a separation for six months is a wake up call to show how serious this is. Your kids even if you dont you both need to make this work. David was mad at God. Psalms is about his emotions.

Some of that partners on here have been in these types of relationships for 20 or more years and I don't know how they have done it. Please tell me your secret knowledge. I'm trying so hard to just embrace the reality of it. When I think about that this may be how it always is I just start bawling. I'm so angry at myself for choosing this. I was such an idiot.

Judith: Several reasons is they stay for the sake of the children but that doesnt work and I can give you several true stories on that. But you dont have to stay if he is unwilling to change. If it brings you down and continues and he doesnt stop and it is destroy you you need to move out to give him a wake up call

If you all dont understand my responses please ask

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#469235 - 08/21/14 07:58 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 10
Funny how I read this and think someone is in my head. Then I read the responses and again think they are talking to me, or that I wrote the response. I guess what it says is, we all "know" the pain and loneliness. The hardship of loving a survivor. What I call a life of weight/wait. Waiting for a change we have no control over and all the while carrying the weight of the unspoken pain they/we have. Truly we are all victims of the incest....some physically touched some touched emotionally. ..but just plain affected. And all we really are wanting is to have OUR pain heard, validated. It is a basic human need. A baby in the icu will die of what they call failure to thrive, if no one touches/notices them. It is not in our minds. It is real. The pain..our pain hurts. But we become conditioned to not show it, speak it. Because our spouse has reacted to us in such a way that we slowly learn a life of being a victim. Denial dismissal minimizing. So the road becomes harder and harder to navigate. Hopefully our family is is not of the same rules, and we can remember what is real what is loving, and hold on tight to that. But I really hate to say sometimes not a damn thing can make it feel better...the wanting of an intimate relationship, from someone that isn't taking the action to heal. The telling yourself it is ok to morn the loss...it freaking hurts to not be noticed.
All right I will stop here cuz truly this can go on and not answer anything.
You matter!!
I matter!!
I care!!
I hurt too,
I just hope I helped and didn't add more pain.
I get it........



you matter

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#469259 - 08/22/14 10:12 AM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 21
Loc: USA
md4e,
Very well said.
I live with a lot of uncertainty.
I wish I could read his mind for just long enough to see what he really wants from me, because it seems to change faster than I can keep up. There's only snippets of a loving, intimate relationship and then there's none, for months. We will have a heart to heart, and I'm thinking, wow, life really is great until he goes and does something that completely negates the very words he spoke the week before. And my life comes crashing down, again.The uncertainty is exhausting, and painful and lonely.

I have experienced how wonderful it could be and I think that's what hurts the most.

All of our situations are a little different, and we're all experiencing our own pain, but I can't help thinking
what an incredible,
strong,
awesome
bunch of women you all are.
You Rock!!
Nicole

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#469417 - 08/27/14 03:20 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 27
I can hardly get through this thread without tears. You all nailed it exactly. I do believe change is possible... if both people are willing. I know how that might sound... why should I change? I've been loyal, faithful, supportive... you name it. Having said that, the reason I am very hopeful is that my survivor and I have a wonderful therapist. Her method (for our marriage work) is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. My husband and I both have early childhood wounds (his CSA, my abandonment for starters). The idea here is to learn how to make a "secure attachment" to each other. Something every human being is wired for and needs...but the wounding has happened and things got... well... rewired incorrectly. Yes, we have been on quite an emotional roller coaster as his "wall" still goes up often. Some days something gets triggered and we end up retreating again. Or fighting and disconnecting (I admit it.. I fall into total despair during those times). It is something that we are picking through together with tenderness. But, after 14 years of constant rejection... oh to be touched again... even a hug. Or just to be able to sit next to him on the couch and not be relegated to the chair on the other side of the room. I did not know how primal these needs are... but they are. Our T says that the brain can actually be rewired correctly. I wish I could explain it like she does. I am holding out hope for continued improvement (though it may be a long road and never really end completely). When this all gets overwhelming I turn to her with the ever present question in the back of mind - "Should I stay?" - but she says that she sees him trying. As long as your spouse is trying that is reason to stay. I sure wish this was a straight path complete with graduation ceremony and a certificate... but alas...

Many hugs all around ladies. I need them too. So glad to have found you all.

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#469443 - 08/28/14 10:57 AM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Quote:
I was such an idiot.


Hindsight is 20/20 - foresight is not.

For a loooong time I felt so stupid for believing in H. In my mind I trusted H and the whole thing was a lie.

Make plans to make the future better.

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#469450 - 08/28/14 03:23 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 27
I can so relate, sugarbaby. I will try to remember your quote on "hindsight" and making "plans to make the future better".

I zig and zag between yesterday's pain and any current or future bright spot. I beat myself up when I dwell in the pain. But those wounds are so fresh. I'm told that trauma becomes PTSD when it is not dealt with at the time it occurs. My wounds are fresh. What I am dealing with did not happen in my childhood but in my marriage. I need to give myself room to embrace that and not stuff it. It's tough (as you all know).

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#469451 - 08/28/14 04:56 PM Re: learning to embrace loneliness help plese [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Yeah tough it is. And there isn't really much point in trying to talk to H about it. He will just lie and try to manipulate his way out of any accountability. So I can't engage the crazy. He has started lying about the dumbest things. Things he knows I will know he is lying about. I cannot understand a reson for this except to try to drive me away. I'm already leaving him alone and doing my own thing so I don't get it. I. Just have to keep working at making myself feel fullfilled despite the mess that I live with. Today it a rough day and I'm having a hard time not screaming at him. Don't engage the crazy HD don't do it.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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