This weekend I've been knocked sideways, I'd hoped that I'd learnt from the crap job my parents did but it seems not.
Rewind to when I was 11
At the time of my abuse, home life was pretty crap, my Father had never hugged me, he'd never told me he loved me. My Mother was bringing her boyfriends home, Dad would go upstairs to bed when she did this and leave me with them both WTF, my Sister had left home because of all the shit and Mum used me emotionally - the term "covert incest" pretty much describes it. All this time the CSA was occurring outside of the home by 4 sick bastards.
Fast forward 45 years to the present time
1 failed marriage, 2 wonderful kids, re-married to a wonderful person inherited a stepdaughter and 6 amazing grandchildren. Disclosure to my wife, sister and kids and a couple of years of therapy.
I honestly thought that I'd learnt from my childhood, I've gone out of my way to always tell my kids that I love them so that they would never feel the same as I did as a kid, I've tried to make them feel secure, wanted and loved. Friday I'd had a very long day at work around 14 hours along with a 300 mile drive so I had an early night, my wife and daughter sat and talked and it appears that during the week she and a few friends had got together and were talking about their parents and how they acted and behaved and I came up a bit short (in my opinion that is, I hope not my daughters), she told my wife that she understood why but amongst other things that I didn't hug her.
I feel like a complete failure, I've not done the one thing that I wanted desperately from my Father, in this respect I've become him
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in