I want to touch a girl.
I am 40. I don't want to be ashamed.
My aunt really messed my mind. or used to.
I always let the past affect the present.
I am working hard , but want to , because I know there is
a point of no return. (little fancy ,hey?.)
It is hard because it is easy to be envious of men because
I don't think my body has fully grown up.
I just allowed the hearing like laughter.
Nobody is laughing , in truth.
MY dad is a moron and I feel like I will never see my mom
but that is okay,,,but I feel .
I am trying to forgive my dad.. I know I can still hate
him.
And I wont ever see him again. I wont see my brother
either.
I have been wanting to go to school, but my English is
terrible.
hmm. feelings of inadequacy ..this is my problem.
Yea,, I keep wanting a daddy.
I mentioned this to my all-male Friday night support group.
It is hard...it is nice to be absolutely honest with my
self.
this is how I got to be the guy I am today!
TTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEERRRRRR!
TRIGGER.

So... it is hard to see men in the change room,shower.
SORRY.
I never got to have a penis.
They wouldn't let me.
So. I know how I get the mistake of being a girl.
My dad wanted this.
And so much of my part to learn to speak up for myself
and say "no daddy!.. no girl"
so.
My mom defends him.
I dream of living near my mom but when I tell her I will
never see her wife ( my step dad,- actually my biological
YUCK!!)
...I have to do what I have to do.
And... it is hard to say.. " hey live over here Goran,..."
like Vancouver ...I have been thinking of living in New
Brunswick or Nova Scotia...lately,,,
probably an acting-out. MY brain will come with me.
Nuisance are my dad`s daughters ( my cousins) .. they
are like boys actually. Friggin murderers!
They make me go over their place and they just killed my
life.
My mother has no clue.
And I make it feel like it is happening today.
Sick, ...!
IT is hard because I wasn't allowed to love my mom ..and
I have to forgive this asshole.
I will never get to have my dad.... and I hate it that
I let my brain go and go and go.
I wish.. all this sensitivity to everything around me would
walk.
I am loved. And it feels GGGGGGreat!
I love this site... and other online support.
Waiting for my life to happen wont happen.
So I am trying to say goodbye.
To my mom.
Now how do I get to have a girlfriend without my dad entering
my friggin brain?
I don't like the voice or his face laughing at my penis.
"you no boy! .." that is my exhausting aunt..and how she
took over the mother role.. my shitty dad lets her do
whatever to me.
Friggin schizophrenic garbage.
I deserve better!
Anyway.. just wondering ..how I will feel about a girl
touching me..
I needed to journal. Hope you guys don't mind...
love ya.
Goran