Newest Members
rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms, Anony_mous, Drew6991x
12367 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bluesky (44), Brother B+ (48), emal7717 (53), estuardo (52), kwf777 (56), LeeAnne (30), mapleleafsn (52), otherside (61), ronnie (59), Scott1962 (52), thrive-n-survive (42), tom3065 (36)
Who's Online
4 registered (JW1230, susie, wearytraveler, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12367 Members
74 Forums
63561 Topics
444090 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#468507 - 08/04/14 09:59 PM My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
why? why? WHY?!!

Because I'm just there right now.

I went to an AlAnon meeting tonight, meetings for families of alcoholics. I left sad, not wanting to show it. I'd done my "thing", playing the game of saying the right words and all, looking successful. I even told on myself while sharing that I was USED to chaos, used to unhappiness, but....I was sharing it. I wasn't keeping it a secret. I've spent years in these meetings saying what I "should" say.

Surprisingly, the topic of the night was gratitude. I shared I was writing here (didn't name MS) as part of making amends to myself. I shared it was freeing me.

And I left sad. Empty. Even desiring of the numerous beautiful married women. Beautiful women, inside and out. Glad they're married, as .......I'd just be working to find one I could use in selfish ways.

I wanted one to come over, feel my pain, and be sympathetic to my pain. And a hidden primary motivation was...many are hot. Being honest.

I am so used to, and attracted to, emotionally dangerous people. I shared I was used to that model. I was sad also since noone "rescued" me from my pain--and being rescued is my norm.

oh yeah..maybe...maybe I'm just closer to a little more healing. I am used to my norm. And grieving is normal when going through change, any at all. Tonight I felt different around these women. I think I was sad since.......I opened myself up around them, to see the real me. Lying is never honest, and I know lies. I was honest tonight, and I felt sad (slightly relieved), yet sad.

I almost grabbed onto depression. That's when I do NOT want to change. I did grab onto some birthday cake.....but not too much. Feeling sad now. It's change for me.

Top
#468509 - 08/04/14 10:01 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
should I have posted that? yes

Top
#468510 - 08/04/14 10:18 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Yes

Top
#468579 - 08/06/14 08:04 AM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
Read something in an Al-Anon reader this morning. It was about fearing change even when we're hopeless.

I went to this meeting 2 nights ago for unhealthy reasons, though I was comfortable with it. Last night, in a men's meeting (not Al-Anon), I heard a guy talk about realizing he'd done something wrong. He was in a small epiphany.

And when it came my turn to share, I exposed myself, the unhealthy reason I went: I was in a codependent relapse seeking a woman to "rescue" me. One guy shook his head, oh well, but it was true. I'd not gone to AlAnon for my recovery. I went desiring my "fix". It was freeing sharing this since my sponsor was there, and he's the one I normally join on Monday nights. I didn't keep my secret.

But change wasn't something I ever sought. Even now, I'm needing new employment, yet am waiting (per my norm) for someone, somewhere, anywhere to pop up saying "here it is".

My warning: my present job is due to that. He is not a good businessman at all, not smart at all with people or taking chances. Scared money doesn't make money--I heard that somewhere.

Anything I could be grateful for?

My relationship with my ex is actually peaceful right now. I saw her alone last night.bl She's into her own recovery now too. We talked about a problem she had in a meeting since she was brand new. It turned out just venting it made her feel better, for she'd felt unheard in a meeting.

A man at my meeting last night told me he had been sandblasting for his company, and I elevated the discussion since I used to do this myself. I might be able to start working for him.

I have food to eat.

I have less than 2 weeks left working with "Hitler 2", my boss. I am grateful for this. I've allowed his immaturity to rule over me, and I've been praying for a while to get out of this job. It's not even the business. It's this person who finds problems in good things and criticizes everybody and everything. Thank you God for hearing me.

I have money for rent.

I have ideas of how to make side money using tools I've found this last year.

I am grateful for the pain of change. Alone, I'd stay put. I'd be miserable....and.....and....and I'd be miserable.. Yep. Pain makes me move.



Last thing: I'm used to not changing HERE. I very clearly remember parking out here (in MS), hoping I'd find a comfortable spot, hoping (yet fearing) someone would change me from my misery. And that misery was...and has been...my life.

I don't think I know how to change.

I'm grateful for this: this morning, in my Al-Anon reader, the story was about the hand of God beckoning this person to walk through the flames--the challenges in his life. I'm grateful God speaks to me in this. I am not alone.

Top
#468717 - 08/09/14 11:19 AM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: fhorns
I am grateful for the pain of change. Alone, I'd stay put. I'd be miserable....and.....and....and I'd be miserable.. Yep. Pain makes me move.


Fhorns:

For me, the "pain that makes me move" can sometimes lead to something to discover.

For a long time I thought I was really good at change and then I realized, with the help of my ex, that I had been stuck on a path that had kept me from seeing anything that could help me.

Sometimes I replace the word "change" with the word "allow" and try to see what happens.

Peace,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#468718 - 08/09/14 11:44 AM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
Change.......

Part of me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO doesn't want to change. It says NO, I DON'T WANT TO.

When the adrenaline and panic is gone, I see results of it (and I'll ask for replies/comment of your experiences):

pain
regret
lost hope
believing I'm still not worth being loved
hopelessnes
a pit of self loathing

essentially, what every good meeting would tell you to avoid. They'd tell me I can be miserable as long as I want. It's my choice.

I'd often felt I did not have a choice in it. I'm realizing that as I write.

Top
#468737 - 08/09/14 11:19 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
Fhorns:

Oh yes, that list is pretty accurate for me too.

Having those feelings may not be a choice, but letting them define me is. However, getting to a stronger place requires fortitude, patience, and a willingness to not run away from the negative feelings. I do a lot of work journaling, in particular with something called Internal Family Systems. That helps me slow down the experience I'm having to a place that feels less distressing. Eventually, with the help of therapy, I find ways to make some headway. There is, of course, the relapse within, which can be very aggravating. I guess that's where the patience comes in.

So, yes, the "adrenaline and panic" are there. They arise in dramatic fashion, often when I'm feeling that I may have gotten better. It's good to hear that I am not alone in the fact that some panic is simply letting me know that a few other not so good feelings are hanging around!

Thanks for your honesty,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#468771 - 08/10/14 10:13 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi fhorns,

My experience is a little different than what your al-anon meetings suggest. As I age, I come to understand there is a very deep reservoir of sadness and hopelessness in me that is very real. Pretending it is not there is not helpful, nor would someone saying don't go there be helpful. It's real. What I am slowly developing is an awareness that every time I go through one of those sessions of feelings, I am actually releasing a little more of that deep reservoir of sadness, grief, terror, panic, hopelessness. I am coming to understand those feelings are a part of who I am, but not all that I am by a long shot. That is the part that has been so hard for me to learn. When I'm in those feelings it has been really hard to see that is not all that I am. It is not easy to do this work, but as I do more of it I begin to see the possibility that it is not dragging me down, but in fact is creating new clean space in me that holds the possibility for expression of who I would have been without the abuse. Of course, I was abused and that will not un-happen. But, I believe that my true nature is always intact and may be resurrected with work.

Sending you love and support,

Don


Edited by don64 (08/10/14 10:19 PM)
Edit Reason: expand thoughts
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#468799 - 08/11/14 05:48 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: don64]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Hi Don,

I'm experiencing something similar. I recently learned of a meditation technique that actively involves exploring the felt bodily sense of "negative" emotions. Since these emotions tend to be repressed in me, I find this approach quite helpful. It allows me to experience them fully for a change in a safe environment. I've also learned a method that is to be used when triggered sexually. It simply involves closing your eyes, going inside and feeling the related bodily sensations. I find this quite freeing as I'm used to feeling aroused this way by women and then feeling frustrated because there is no socially acceptable way to express it and even if by some chance I find that opportunity, the women are, so far, always uninterested in a healing approach to intimacy. Without experiencing the bodily sensations, I tend to get stuck in dreams.

This sentence of yours:
Originally Posted By: don64
I believe that my true nature is always intact and may be resurrected with work.
is very hopeful. Thanks!

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
#468809 - 08/11/14 11:31 PM Re: My Al-Anon meeting tonight: I wanted to be rescued [Re: fhorns]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Gaatt,

I'm so happy for you. My sense is that however any of us figure out to release the trapped feelings inside us creates an opportunity for that trapped energy to move into wisdom and understanding. The way I see it, when trapped energy moves into wisdom and understanding, it broadens and deepens who I am and becomes a part of supporting me on my journey. I become larger, more loving, more able, kinder, gentler, softer. My ability to discern firms up. I strengthen my ability to see and set healthy boundaries and limits for myself. I open up to how I truly feel about myself, and become more able to attract those energies from others. Quite a motivator for me.

Thanks for sharing.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.