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#468567 - 08/05/14 10:55 PM pattern noted... very low response level to topics
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
Guys,

I am not trying to enflame, but there has been a pattern I have seen... as a long standing member here for the last 3 years plus, guys will try to post here and we get hundreds of views to posts and sometimes less than 1-2 genuine replies. It is not just 1 or 2 posters here its just about everyones.

I am going to ask if the moderators would be willing to make a survey or something that the members who do post here could complete confidentially so maybe we could get some data about who is coming here, their needs and how we can motivate the demographic here to feel safer to post and to reply to people posting.

I am trying to be part of the solution but this problem has been chronic and persistent and I hope to work with everyone I can to maybe make a positive difference here.

Tyr
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#468577 - 08/06/14 07:31 AM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
Iím sorry that people posting here arenít getting many replies.

I think part of the problem is having different topics separated out into different forums. If being abused as an adult doesnít apply to you then you donít tend to come to this section. Same with the military survivors and men abused by women sections. I think it would be better if everyone just posted in the same section. I just read this morning that they are making a new forum for survivors of child porn. I know people asked for this, but I donít see the need to further divide things down. I think it could end up the same way as this forum, with not much activity and very few replies.

This isnít a criticism of this site, but one of the main problems is that most of the posters are in the same boat. Once people feel better they donít need this site anymore and leave. Posting here you are asking people who are struggling as much as you are to reply with something useful/helpful/insightful.

Hope there is some kind of a solution to this.

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#468595 - 08/06/14 02:56 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
The problem is, and not to be unkind... I see your point but more than a few times the CSA child abuse victim people have come in the boards and hijacked threads and taken them in tangential "I had this thing happen that I just now remembered at the age of 2" and again that is a tad snarky sorry.

It makes it hard to discuss adult level conversations because many Adult ASA members here acutely remember everything, had more violence occur and it involves usually weapons and one or more assailants.

However we are also coming into a bind because 100s of views only yield 1-2 replies sometimes zero replies!

So we need to as a board figure out whats working and what is not. This has been persistent since at least 2011.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#468606 - 08/06/14 07:35 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
i have had to work hard to get over these following fears and negative emotions in order to continue contributing to this on-line community.
i can't explain it but, it felt like a duty, somehow, to keep posting despite the "very low response level to topics".

i offer this, by way of explanation, some possible reasons.

please do not perceive this as a hijack.



i have had to overcome my fears and oversensitivity in order to post on these forums.
i had to overcome my fears and oversensitivity just to post this reply.

i was a member viewing posts for 10 years before i had the nerve to start speaking out here.
this is after i had finally already raised the courage to break my silence, publicly and anonymously, by posting my original disclosure on ms.org.
there is a huge gap between my first two posts. *SEE BELOW

to begin with, i was very uncomfortable about the truth, and i was ignorant of boundaries, and i was insecure about my own opinions.
i did not want to share, as i did not think i could help anyone, and i did not want to just complain. it was enough to commiserate privately with the complaints, and take comfort from the comforting replies. by viewing these exchanges, i was able to vicariously feel like i was part of the conversations, without the risk of actually engaging.

i had to get over that. it was not easy.

once i began to post, i had to overcome some of my own reactions to what i did (and didn't) receive from fellow survivors at various stages of recovery.



many posts i made went unanswered.
i perceived a lack of response as rejection.
nobody wants to feel ignored.

on the other hand,
whenever i felt challenged or criticized by a reply,
this too felt like rejection.


then there is the fear of hijacking a thread, or being accused of doing so.
this happened to me. even a gentle reproof feels like rejection.

finally, there is the fear of being attacked and abused by another member who has been triggered by something i posted.
this has happened, and it feels like rejection.
until the moderators intervene, it hurts.
the temptation to "fight back" in anger can lead to more bad behaviour.


speaking of the moderators, i have also had to learn the hard way where the lines are. posting inappropriately, and being edited or deleted and reprimanded is also very emotionally challenging, and it feels like rejection.
i have had to get over that, too.

as always, there is the tiny voice that tells you to "run away and hide from the hurt". reject the website before it rejects you.


all of those things weigh heavy on my mind whenever i hit [SUBMIT]

and finally, there is the periods of time where things are going so well, or life gets so busy, that there simply seems to be no need or time to log in and participate.
during those times, i barely get on-line.
but, whenever i feel the need to reconnect, i am glad to know MS.ORG is still there,
as it has been for the last ten years.

for that, i am grateful.

in closing, i urge all MS.ORG members to not let the "very low response level to topics" discourage you from telling your truths in these forums.

it gave me strength and support for many years.
for that, i wish to thank all the thousands of unanswered posts that are in this forum. you are being heard. your words matter.
they change lives, calibrating compasses and filling sails.
they inspire wounded spirits and comfort damaged souls.

KEEP POSTING!

trigger warning * personal experiences * bad memories

1st POST: i survived a serial killer Survivor Stories September 27, 2003 14:13

2nd POST healing through forgiveness Spirituality and Survivors April 26, 2013 14:42

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#468614 - 08/06/14 10:37 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
keep up the good work buddy. kudos for posting!
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#468676 - 08/08/14 09:50 AM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
guys come on... more replies please.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

Top
#468677 - 08/08/14 10:08 AM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1337
Loc: kansas
one of the rare occasions that i break one of my rules.

tyr, sorry that you are not getting more replies. i truly wish you did. not sure why more survivors, who've been abused as adults, do not post more often.

i do know that before this section was created that a lot of threads, that were started, did indeed got hijacked by many survivors that were abused as kids.

one of my dear friends, who is a survivor of abuse as an adult, tried for a while to get a section like this started. he was, to some extent, ran off of ms by fellow survivors... really sad...

even after this section was started there was still a lot of issues, fights that arose in here. this i also found to be very sad..

i'm a survivor from being abused as a child. i, for the life of me, couldn't figure out why there was so much animosity between those who have been abused as kids versus those that have been abused as adults. i've seen many of the fights that have happened, and do understand why the adult abuse survivors were very angered... just wish that all of us, survivors of all kinds of abuse, would get along and support one another instead of all the hatred that went on... so, because of that, and my friend basically being ran off of ms, i decided that i wasn't going to post in here at all. i would probably read a lot of what is being said because i do believe that knowledge is one of the keys to help in recovery. i'm interested in learning as much as i can about abuse in all of its forms.

so, in essence, i just wanted to let you know that some of those view #'s you are seeing are from guys like me that are interested in learning, but won't post anything because i don't feel it's my place to.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#468680 - 08/08/14 02:21 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Obi]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
i have read your post. obi.
and it saddens and angers me,
because i know it is true.


i was not going to be the one to say all that,
but now that it is written... i am forced
to agree.

since i started to post in this MS.ORG forum,
i have been attacked and ignored quite a bit,
more than i would like to admit.
when i started receiving abusive angry comments
i was deeply hurt and almost left on many occasions.

it was shocking how hostile and mean some of the members were to me.

at first. i did not know how to react,
but i stuck to my christian rules of repeated forgiveness.
seven times seventy times, i forgave.
i turned the other cheek, loved my brother,
and blessed those who were cursing me.

this non-combative, passive/aggressive approach
to verbal attacks and name-calling was
usually enough to defuse the abuser's outburst.

sometimes it was not.
sometimes the moderators had to intervene.

i got triggered by the abusive hostile attitudes that i received, especially the name-calling and labelling.
if i was not a stubborn person, i would have quit this website. i thought about it, but i refuse to be bullied or intimidated.

i will stand firm in dignity and endure the insults
and ignore my irrational instincts and inhibitions.

i have every right to express my emotions and opinions here.
i fit the criteria for membership, and i follow the guidelines.

i do not post in anger, but rather i post about anger.
if someone here is angry at me, i understand and forgive their feelings.
many SA survivor/victims have hair trigger detonators.

i can be oblivious and insensitive in my desire to be open and honest.
i am not part of the politically-correct censorship club,
so i tend to use obsolete definitions and labels that may offend unintentionally.

but i do recognize the need for tailored speech.

diplomacy, courtesy, tact Ö
these are all great bridge-builders and peace-makers,
but they are also powerful weapons in an argument.

it becomes more and more difficult to disrespect someone
who is consistently showing you respect.
you either soften your words and mellow your mood,
or you end up looking bad.

unfortunately, the opposite is also true.
it becomes more and more difficult to respect someone
who is persistently showing you disrespect.
the urge to break the truce and throw a punch can become very difficult to resist.
you can always call it self-defence later.

i especially received negative angry abusive personal attacks and insults whenever i tried to discuss my feelings and thoughts about god or government.
these are vital to my sense of security, identity and recovery.
my health and welfare and safety depend upon my awareness of threats and hazards in my environment.

WARNING! spiritual scripture
Click to reveal.. ( bible quote )
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
Hosea 4


beware. those are trigger topics. taboo even.
outside of the spirituality forum, you cannot say simple things like "may god bless you" or "i will pray for you" without fear of mob reprisal.
the mere mention of any religious word (church-priest-bible-etc) can launch a holy war.


i tried to explore my sexual confusion and i was targeted by MS.ORG members who claim to speak for the homosexual community and seem to feel that they have exclusive rights to certain words and phrases.
apparently i am not homosexual, and therefore i did not feel welcome in that forum.
although, i am not heterosexual.
what am i? i guess i will never knowÖ because
the treatment i received in the gay section of this forum was so upsetting,
i have not been able to post there. i felt judged and rejected.
i am still hurt.



there is a lack of empathy and community here.
there is a lot of defensive hostility.
that is to be understood, i suppose, considering our collective history.
but one would think that our experience would teach us to be tolerant and caring toward other survivors.

we need more love and respect in the communication between members.

for many many SA survivorsÖ
those are rare commodities and difficult expectations.

there are a lot of damaged egos, surrounded by huge thick walls of brick,
with arsenals of defensive doomsday devices.

how do i know?

i am one of them.

this place is a minefield.
step lightly and carefully.


thanks for bringing up an uncomfortable topic and addressing it openly.
this should be discussed.

if we are honest about ourselves and our bad behaviour,
we can improve it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#468684 - 08/08/14 03:34 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1660
I agree with what was said. Many members have fears of posting for the various reasons victor noted. This fear holds people back. I am not a regular in chat but wonder what the level of communication is in that forum.

Certain topics do seem to gather much attention and response. Some have been very insightful to me. I try to respond to many of the posts but sometimes the volume is high and I do not get a chance to respond. I have been here almost three years and the responses I received to many of my postings were invaluable. It was not the volume of responses but rather the insights and support I received. I understand when no response is received it can send a negative message. I do not believe it is intentional. As for highjacking I know some of my posts were hijacked but I was glad because it brought more insight into what I was experiencing and I too have hijacked posts, and I hope I did not offend anyone.

I hope people will continue to post and more people will respond even if it is a simple I understand or I am here for you.

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#468687 - 08/08/14 04:36 PM Re: pattern noted... very low response level to topics [Re: Tyr]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
disagreements can be dignified.
it is called discussion, discourse, debate, dialogue.
diplomacy deters damage.

before agreement comes argument,
beyond anger lies acceptance,
between them all - the answer.
beware. behave. believe. belong.

sharing, caring, and comparing my memory and misery and history is healthy for me.

in closing, for the record, i would also like to add,
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
the responses I received to many of my postings were invaluable. It was not the volume of responses but rather the insights and support I received. I understand when no response is received it can send a negative message. I do not believe it is intentional. As for highjacking I know some of my posts were hijacked but I was glad because it brought more insight into what I was experiencing and I too have hijacked posts, and I hope I did not offend anyone.

I hope people will continue to post and more people will respond even if it is a simple I understand or I am here for you.


your words are an exact reflection of my own thoughts.


--------------added this later------------
by way of explanation of earlier remarks.

as a child, youth and an adult,
i was sexually abused by male and female,
adults and children, family and strangers,
with and without threats, force, and violence.
this has also happened to several of my family and friends.

i had all kinds of consensual sex with various partners and have never defined my sexual identity to any degree of certainty.
still uncomfortable with restrictive labels and boundaries.

i have an incurable fatal disease.

i am a super survivor success story.
the victim has become victor.
the shame has become shared.
the extreme has become extraordinary.
the recovery has become routine.
the guilt has given way to glee.
the rage has given way to reflection.
the pain has become poetry.
the hate has become humour.
the fear has become faith.


i hope that just about qualifies me to post in just about every forum here except the ex-military forum.
that does not protect me from the reactions i may provoke.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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