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#468517 - 08/05/14 12:28 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Quote:
I have in fact met people with few to no emotional problems at all, sometimes they are arogant pigs


I'd say someone being an arrogent pig is a pretty good indication that they have an emotional problem. Arrogance is a sign of emotional paralysis, which means at some point in their life something happened to make them want to stop feeling. You don't know their inner heart or their childhood history.

If the 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 3 girls number is right, and given that there other kinds of abuse besides just the ones that those numbers cover, it means that a very significant number of the people you come across in your life will be dealing with some kind of trauma. But they won't always be vulnerable about it, so it will look like defensiveness or rudeness. To outsiders, even other survivors, that defensiveness might just look like being a jerk. But who knows what it really is. I still maintain that if we find ourselves impatient with others, it is because on some level we have yet to fully accept ourselves.


Edited by Jacob S (08/05/14 12:29 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#468538 - 08/05/14 05:52 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
@JAcob, when I made that statement I actually had someone in mind. When I first met him he was a fairly nice guy, however things fell into his lap. He was charismatic and goodlooking in that sort of effortless way. It was not put on or dishonest, people just gravitated to him, this meant he got just given recognition out of hand. In the world of ameter light opera he was always guaranteed a principle role not because he was unusually good (he's certainly not bad but not that amazing), just from his manner, his looks and his general demeaner. for me, who has to struggle to let people know I even exist rather than as the problem in the corner they don't want to see, or the weerd incompitant disabled person who is incapable of anything.

It's after all very frustrating to be someone who walks into rooms and has to wait to be noticed aas opposed to my friend who walks into places and is instantly the center of attention simply for being himself.

yet while he was simply okay about it I didn't mind. I even was the person who ended up making him feel better during his unrequited love, despite the fact that three months later he meets a lady who is now his wife!

The problem is after this he changed, he started believing he deserved all this good fortune, he even told me at one point "well you don't need to sing properly to get rolls, which is why I get so many"

It seemed he was starting to sincerely believe he deserved! everything he got, and those who weren't as blessed as he was were reprehensible.

This is! actually an attitude i've encountered fairly often, in musicians and post graduates and sometimes in higher ranked professionals in business too. People who believe fervently that they deserve! their own good fortune and that those not so fortunate are somehow less. Sometimes it's even stated in people's political opinions "oh people are only poor because they are lazy" though more often it is simply implicit.

I'm not talking about the people who obviously use their importance of wealth or position or relationship or looks or anything else as a mask for their insecurities (such people are usually fairly obvious anyway), I mean people who are absolutely all ego, who believe not only that the world revoles around them, but that they dam well deserve! it to.

It is actually quite amazing sometimes, just how basically shallow, how utterly unreflective, and how completely and totally oblivious some people are.

@Stil, great thoughts. This reminds me of a wonderful bit in an old book I remember reading (I believe it was Adrian mole), where a child's granny is telling him to eat his cabbage because "there are lots of little boys in Africa who'd be glad of a bit of cabbage" Where upon Adrian (or whichever boy it was), replies "well stick it in the post and send it to them then!"

@No simple machine, I'm not myself quite as convinced about the link between how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others, sinse for me at least it is far easier to think about others first and myself after, which probably explains why I'm such an intravert sinse I can only be selfish when I'm on my own.
One thing however I do find useful when dealing with others (and sometimes myself), is to use the illusion of rationality.

I personally don't agree with the sort of model that people from Descarte to Freud followed, where you have the emotional self like an animal on a lead and the rational self like some wise old mathematician holding the lead. It just isn't how mental experience or even decision making or consciousness works (and interestingly enough both neuro psychology and philosophy seem to be moving away from that idea).

But I do find it a helpful way of pretending, to treat both my emotions and circumstances absolutely coldly, to become an android who just calculates the odds. For example, the other day on a web forum I administrate about accessible computer games there was a topic in the offtopic section where various people were talking about relationships, in particular those who already had successful relationships were giving advice to others (sinse most forum members are visually impared this makes more sense than it sounds).
Part of me wanted to delete the topic out of hand, to in effect use my admin rights to exact a very petty revenge against people who had what I don't. Another part of me wanted to read the hole thing, to test myself, to say I'm fine, maybe even to punish myself, or still worse wollow in my own jealousy. however this is where I put on my rationalist hat and just weighed the odds.

I don't have! to read what others say about this and I know it'll do bad things to me, so I don't.

I try to do the same when dealing with others, to look at things reasonably. If person x were in this circumstance, what should! person x do, irrispective of if I happen to be person x or not.

I don't always succeed at this of course, sometimes the emotions are too strong, sometimes I find the rationality gets too cold and I start to become distant which is not what i want at all, and sometimes my rationality fails under a weight of resentment, but I do try, and on occasion it has actually worked.

I hope it sort of helps.

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#468545 - 08/05/14 10:17 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
People who are born with disabilities are cursed with a much harder, more arduous existence that most people realize. I am often exasperated when 'regular' (non disabled) people point to someone who is disabled, who has defied all the odds and overcome his disabilities to become a hero, and say "See? He can do it. Everyone should be able to!"; ie: The blade runner (Oscar Pistorias).

Thing is, they are extremely rare exceptions to the general rule - that people with disabilities are often forced to live out their entire lives hidden from society, and enduring a mundane life without access to opportunities that most other able bodied people simply take for granted.

That is the hard reality. I know it because I've had to live it, with my disabilities. And I'm one of the "lucky" ones. I have "access" to opportunity, much more so than most disabled people do.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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