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#468441 - 08/03/14 09:05 PM Hmm. (Or maybe, Whoa.)
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
I just had an interesting experience. I was expecting it to come soon.

Long story short, I've been renting the livingroom from a person I met in al-anon for the last 2.5 years. We're in San Francisco- this crazy rental market has made a lot of arrangements like this. Suffice it to say, while it is nice there are glass french doors that separate my room from his, and I put accoustic padding and a heavy curtain over the door to block it out, I can hear it when he clears his throat.

When we met, we appeared to hit it off, and shared very similar sensitivities and vulnerabilities. When he needed a roommate, and I needed a room, it seemed like a great idea. I assumed we'd become good friends and good roommates.

Well, it didn't turn out that way. I, because I'm still trying to survive from CSA, still drink about 4 beers every evening, and smoke pot medicinally to alleviate anxiety. I'm also on low dose testosterone, which helps tremendously. This is so much better than the half dozen messed up pharmaceuticals that were tried.

In spite of my 'relapse' since I met and moved in with my roommate, I've always been clean, respectful, quiet, paid my bills, and responded to his requests. I've went out of my way to be quiet and clean and respectful of his space and using the kitchen/bathroom.

For the last 2 years of our living together, he withdrew. And after my noting that, and making a few efforts to engage with him and ask him to hang out, and being rejected a year ago, the past year basically has been a year long silent treatment from him. I tried repeatedly to initiate conversation with him and was consistently shut out. And for those wondering - all of these attempted engagements with him were times when I'm sober. Whenever I use, I am alone (i'm alone anyway).

A couple months ago I realized I had enough. I suddenly blurted out that I was going to find another place to live and that I was tired of living here. Suddenly, I find myself in escrow on a condo in the east bay, with a view of the golden gate. I find myself eerily excited and scared shitless about this huge change I'm about to make. But I feind a weird confidence in me that i don't yet understand. I'm buying a home to live in in the Bay Area!

Anyways, my roommate suddenly decides he needs to speak with me. I agree, but I realize that he's been treating me with this year long silent treatment. He clearly ignored my invitations for fellowship, and he was clearly being disrespectful. That emotionally makes sense to me now.

We had the talk. And the long story short is - I didn't get angry! I stood my ground. He said he was giving me 30 days notice to vacate, because I'm smoking pot and drinking. I told him he can't do that, I've got a medical marijuana card (true), and drinking beer isn't illegal. Then he said I gave him my word when we moved in, since we were both sober at the time. My word.

I might have given him my word. I don't give many people my word. But when I do give people my word, I follow through with it - with those who honor the respect we have between each other. When someone decides to dishonor the respect we have between each other, then is my word with them that important?

This question came to light during the conversation. When I said he couldn't evict me because I'm not breaking any laws, nor am I causing any public nuiscence, he resorted to saying that I should honor my word with him when I moved in. There is a lease agreement, but there is nothing on the lease agreement that says I must be sober.

Anyways, I'm writing all this out, because I feel the need to share it. It's a rather negative experience, but I'm rather happy about it. I'm curious that I didn't get angry in this very adverse conversation. I stood my ground very firmly, and even affirmed my viewpoint with him. I told him how he's been treating me. I called him out on his BS, and told him he had no respect for me in the first place, so why was he asking me to keep my word, if he didn't respect it?

So to end it all, I told him he had no legal standing to evict me because I'm smoking pot and drinking beer. And ethically, he can whine all he wants, but I don't have any obligation to respect whatever oral agreement we made between each other, because of the lack of respect he's demonstrated over this past year by ignoring my repeated overtures.

Does any of this resonate with anyone here? This is a rather peculiar situation I find myself in. Did I call this right and actually do this correctly?

Why am I confused and feeling elated at the same time? Usually I feel like an asshole for standing my ground, but this feels right.

Why does this feel right? Because I didn't get angry.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#468444 - 08/03/14 09:39 PM Re: Hmm. (Or maybe, Whoa.) [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Magellan,

Congratulations on finding your own space. And, it sounds like its a healthy choice for you.

Regarding your relationship with your soon to be ex-roommate, I don't feel it's possible to come to sane conclusions about a dysfunctional situation. Since he has refused to communicate with you for so long, it doesn't sound like he is honestly communicating with you now. Sounds like he's just pissed, and his being pissed may or may not have anything to do with you. I'd just get out as soon as I can, just to get that toxicity out of my life. What's wrong with finding a temporary place until you close escrow? Doesn't sound to me like it's at all wise for you to stay in a possible inflammatory situation. You have no idea what is going on with him. It doesn't sound safe to me. Keeping myself safe is my number 1 priority. Don't make this an ego pissing contest. It's not in your best interest, IMO.

Sending you love and support.

Don


Edited by don64 (08/03/14 09:41 PM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468464 - 08/04/14 10:27 AM Re: Hmm. (Or maybe, Whoa.) [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
Hi Don,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I wish I could leave immediately, but I have a dog and cost considerations. And a lot of furniture to move.

I can only hope my roommate is mature enough to keep his boundaries and respect my space like I've been respecting his all this while. Even after our talk yesterday, I will still respect his space.

But it is nonsense that he is asking me to act honorably after the treatment he's been giving me this past year. I shouldn't be bending over backwards to appease him since he has made no offer to appease any of my concerns.

Hopefully escrow closes within the next few weeks.

Don, I read another post you wrote, about uncovering layers of dissociation. Your 1st post in that thread brought me to tears. Something about trying to provide love and safety for your inner child. It suddenly dawned on me that all of my real estate investments and job/career has been a life long effort to make the little me feel safe. I've never felt safe in my life, and I've been doing the best I know how, with what I've been taught, to try and feel safe and secure in a seemingly dangerous, threatening, and confusing world.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing yourself with us here. I read much of what you write.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#468465 - 08/04/14 10:42 AM Re: Hmm. (Or maybe, Whoa.) [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Magellan,

Sending you love and support during this change period. Thanks for the acknowledgment, and I also get so much from everyone sharing. I'll be thinking of you during this transition, and sending an extra dose of kindness and gentleness to little Magellan.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468502 - 08/04/14 09:21 PM Re: Hmm. (Or maybe, Whoa.) [Re: Magellan]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 162
Loc: SF Bay Area
I really relate to this, not because of a roommate situation (I live alone in an apartment that I am moving out of back to the SF Bay Area, and the lease agent is being really tough and I dunno what to do exactly...I enumerated it out in the "your problems are worse than mine" thread) and I think you're doing the right thing. Putting up with a living situation where the other person gives you the cold shoulder for a YEAR...that's not healthy. Confronting it with some self-assuredness that you deserve better IS healthy. The fact that this guy is more interested in making a revenge move by forcing you out sooner on some spindly little technicality than being a decent human being who accepts his part in the whole thing is proof, to me, that you're smart to get out.

I would say, from here on out, walking softly and carrying a big stick is the best approach. No need to rile him up or confront him anymore. Stick to your plan to move, inform him of when it's going to happen, and execute it. He doesn't have to stand in the way of what you're doing if he has no legal basis to and you don't let him (as you've already noticed!), nor is it your job to stroke his ego by giving in to any capriciousness.

Congratulations on the new living situation. smile
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

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