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#468366 - 08/02/14 01:25 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 286
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi Bob, you're post made me cry, I can see so many similarities on our journey.

Since my first meeting with him what's hit me is finally understanding that it wasn't my fault, seeing him there and realising that it wasn't a little me filled with 56 years of experience but was in a fact an innocent 11 year old with no knowledge of the world, a boy who who starved of love, alone, a Father who took no interest in his life and a Mother who was more interested in telling her son the gory details of her latest boyfriend bedding techniques than to listen to her son.

I haven't as yet helped him confront his perps, he knows that one is dead, his Father is also dead so in a way closure is difficult, and his Mother is now 87 so I think closure will occer when she dies as he doesn't want to confront her, he say's whats the point.

Thanks again to all of you

David
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#468375 - 08/02/14 06:00 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 828
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi David,

I find as I am able to work back to the feeling level of my early damage--ages 0-3 1/2 mostly, and again at age 8, probably--it's more me holding my damaged places in love and safety so they can recover from the trauma and grow anew. It's more a process of me rescuing me, and allowing that early me to grow and experience all the maturity and knowledge I have now. I then find myself reclaiming and re-growing all the damaged me(s), from 0-65. It feels good. As I continue to heal and evolve, all of me does. So, it's kinda like allowing all my earlier versions the opportunity to absorb the rest of me, AFTER I have demonstrated some ability to provide safety for myself. And, the process continues, as I continue to refine myself.

I'm not interested in confronting my abusers. That's their journey. I don't need any resolution with them, only with and for myself. I've had all the experience with them I need to. I did, and may still do, need to do a lot of rage work to release pent up and stored rage. But again, I have no interest in bringing their energy back into my life. I'm real clear I'm releasing my rage, and not releasing rage at them. I figure releasing rage out into the world invites rage back to me. Not interested.

Don


Edited by don64 (08/02/14 06:05 AM)
Edit Reason: add last paragraph
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468376 - 08/02/14 08:30 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
I remember fighting the child. My T and doctor said I needed to embrace him. I had fought long and hard to bury the abuse and unknowingly buried a part of me. I also buried the emotions of the abuse and what that part of me felt. I learned that child wanted love and all I did to bury the child made that part of me see the abuser as love. I learned burying part of oneself can be self abusive. I had no clue I was doing the to myself. Ad I explored myself and the abuse I realized part of me felt special to the abuser. All that part of me wanted was love and I deprived part of me love.

I finally opened up the wounds. I had an internal battle as I began to recognize the child. It took time and a lot of pain and hurt. We finally met. Cold at first and slowly I realized I was not whole. I came to accept this part of me was not responsible for the abuse. I had blamed myself for decades. This guilt, denial of self wreaked havoc on the mind with nightmares flashbacks sleep walking dissociation and some physical conditions. Well I now understand and accept the child within. A long battel to get here. But I now have respect for all of me.

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#468378 - 08/02/14 08:48 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
I remember fighting the child. My T and doctor said I needed to embrace him. I had fought long and hard to bury the abuse and unknowingly buried a part of me. I also buried the emotions of the abuse and what that part of me felt. I learned that child wanted love and all I did to bury the child made that part of me see the abuser as love. I learned burying part of oneself can be self abusive. I had no clue I was doing the to myself. As I explored myself and the abuse I realized part of me felt special to the abuser. All that part of me wanted was love and I deprived part of me love.

I finally opened up the wounds. I had an internal battle as I began to recognize the child. It took time and a lot of pain and hurt. We finally met. Cold at first and slowly I realized I was not whole. I came to accept this part of me was not responsible for the abuse. I had blamed myself for decades. This guilt, denial of self wreaked havoc on the mind with nightmares flashbacks sleep walking dissociation and some physical conditions. Well I now understand and accept the child within. A long battle to get here. But I now have respect for all of me.

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#468410 - 08/03/14 12:57 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: KMCINVA]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I've had a major problem with loss of me. I think that abuse I experienced when I was 12 and 13 was aimed at making me lose my sense of self, or what little of it I had then. They wanted to mold me into a different person, one of their own choosing, and very different from my real self. I think what I had is depersonalization disorder.

Some things that have helped me are:
1. Talking out problems regularly with a therapist. A good therapist will be able to hear me and reflect answers which will guide me into who I am.

2. Collecting pictures of myself as a kid, and reading old letters from that time.

3. Watching movies which resonate on who I'm to be. Not all movies are good. One must be selective. But when I found some movies that seem to click for me and I find myself saying, Yes, there I am, Yes, that was how I would have acted, and Yes, that's right, then I'm growing in my self understanding.

One of my favorites is a movie based on a novel by Grisham, it's called A Painted House. In that, the boy faced situations which I also faced. I found that watching it helped to unravel for me who I am (and was).
movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqSU9vyBdsM

Another one that helped me was:
Education of Little Tree
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119052/

I have a list of perhaps a dozen movies which similarly helped me. I have previously posted this list and I can find it if anybody asks me to.

Puffer






Edited by pufferfish (08/03/14 01:18 AM)

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