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#468277 - 07/31/14 10:54 AM Negative performance evaluation at work :(
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I got some negative (a lot) comments on my work evaluation. Statements like: I needed to control my emotions. I need to stop being angry. I need to learn how to take criticism. I don't take criticism well.

Since my last evaluation, I have not been notified of one complaint, nor has my supervisor told me of any complaints or given me any criticism. On this point, I will challenge and ask them to redact the wording that I don't take criticism well (I haven't received any).

But I will acquiesce - I am angry. I am angry that I was ever born at all.

I've been praying and meditating on this for 1.5 years now. I want to let this anger go. No matter how hard I try, I find myself at the same place - I'm angry for simply being born, and for being alive.

I don't know how to change this. I suspect, that if I had real bonafide loving connections with other people, this anger would leave me. But I have no idea how to make friends. And so I'm alone all the time.

And angry.

Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy??!??! I'm doing the best that I can, and I am owning the anger I have, and am praying to the Universe/God to help me let this anger go. It has no purpose in my life anymore, AND I DON'T WANT IT!

No. No help here either. I'm still angry, and it permeates my very existence.

I hate this.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#468282 - 07/31/14 02:22 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 948
Loc: southern California
Is anger a bad thing? In the case of anyone who has been assaulted, anger seems a natural, normal, and expected response.

Do you think that maybe it's not that we are angry, but more an issue of what we do with the anger?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#468284 - 07/31/14 04:06 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Magellan,

Your anger seems normal to me. And, I've spent my life projecting my abuse issues onto everyone. So, I have attributed characteristics onto others that didn't have anything to do with them, and created self-fulfilling prophesies continuously. Your post reminds me of how the damage from my abuse and how I reacted to it kept creating abusive situations for myself. It took me a very, very long time to learn the feelings were all mine and didn't have anything to do with others in my actual physical world. I am only now hoping I have healed enough to go back out in the world feeling empowered enough to set healthy limits with myself, and feeling clear enough to know which feelings are mine and not work them out on others. I won't know until I surface again. It's a slow process moving back out. I am in that process. Time will tell.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468285 - 07/31/14 05:21 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thanks for your feedback, guys. I do appreciate it (Though I don't know how to show it).

I am not normal. There is nothing normal about my anger. I am angry because I was born. I am angry because I'm alive. I'm angry that I live on this planet that is a total fuck up. I'm angry that I have to play by a system that makes no sense to me.

I never learned how to make friends, and at 42, I find myself completely lost as to learn how to make them.

As a result of this life, I scare people. People are afraid of me. I can't make friends. I've never been in love, and I feel totally unlovable. Why? Because I'm angry, and people are afraid of me.

Really shitty work evaluation. I apparently just suck as a human being, period.

I'm angry. I've tried and tried and tried to do something to let this go, but I'm just angry for being alive in the first place. There's nothing normal about this whatsoever.

I've been lonely for far too long. Nothing I have done in my recovery efforts have enabled me to feel close to another human being, and nothing in my recovery efforts have enabled me to learn how to make friends.

I've spent the last 31 years trying to learn how to make friends. For some fucked up reason, I can't understand it, despite my best efforts.

I'm so envious and jealous of people who have real friends.

I'm such a loser. I shouldn't be working. Not after the negative comments I got about my attitude and "inability to control emotions". I have gotten that on just about every job I've ever held. But shit, I *have* to work if I want to eat and have a roof over my head, so I can survive another day on this shitty planet.

For fucks sake.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#468286 - 07/31/14 08:31 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 948
Loc: southern California
Magellan, your post is helpful to me today. I'm going through a patch where...well, ...you described much of it very well.

I guess instead of saying "normal," I should have used "the norm." What you are describing is what each of us has, is, is going to, or at some point needs to feel and face.

It's a survivor thing. If you were sitting in a circle with us we'd all be nodding our heads "yes, yes, yes, yes....we know those thoughts well."

Does anyone close to you know what you're dealing with (finding your way through recovery) and how you think about yourself?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#468289 - 07/31/14 09:29 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
ethereo222 Offline


Registered: 07/19/14
Posts: 8
Loc: SW Virginia
In a dark moment I heard a wise man say
"Knights and Heroes are never tasked with the easy road."

and then I recognized the voice was my own.

Hollywood fools us into expecting heroes to come in a blaze of glory and shining armor. Perhaps the real hero is the man who can silently affirm "I will carry on". Therein lies inherent strength and courage so few people ever will realize. With each day, you are realizing it. One more step, friend. With each moment. One more step.
_________________________
knights and heroes are never tasked with the easy road

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#468291 - 07/31/14 10:01 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: ethereo222]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1343
Quote:
Perhaps the real hero is the man who can silently affirm "I will carry on". Therein lies inherent strength and courage so few people ever will realize.

Brilliantly stated, Ethereo. I would only add that sometimes it is enough to be our own heroes.
_________________________



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#468295 - 07/31/14 10:57 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 99
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I hate office politics with a passion.

Any issue at work should've been dealt with promptly. Waiting until your annual performance review to dump all this on you is a little late since you can't fix a problem you don't know about, as you rightly pointed out. Are you represented by a union? If so, you might want to quietly talk to a rep and let them know what's going on.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#468300 - 08/01/14 01:34 AM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you love and support, Magellan. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468343 - 08/01/14 06:04 PM Re: Negative performance evaluation at work :( [Re: Magellan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1343
A few points I wanted to address...

Anger is probably healthy and appropriate and - so I have been told - an essential part of this journey we call healing. My own challenge is to tap into the anger that my therapist and my sister (co-victim) think I need to. It hasn't happened yet, and perhaps that shows just how far ahead of me you are in your work with this. I find that ability commendable.

There are two main motivators, in my view, for negative performance evaluations: political and genuine. Your job is to identify which factor you honestly believe is at work here. If you truly believe this is politically motivated, you must precisely identify those interests in order to respond to them effectively. If there is truth, then the only way to rise above it is to submerge the natural self-defensive reflex, accept it and incorporate a plan to correct it. And in either case - even if you cannot correct or remedially address the situation, you can always identify it. That's the most important part.

In my experience with similar issues, it was never quite that black and white. There may well be a mix of both truth and politically-motivated exaggeration to any evaluation. I have a friend who brilliantly navigated these treacherous waters in the corporate world, and he taught me a very useful technique...

Start with brutal honesty. It will evaporate the reflexive defense shields we put up when confronted with unexpected and unpleasant words. Once those defensive blinders are off, you may find that you can agree with some or even all the complaints. This will help you separate the truth from the political points your evaluator may be trying to score.

Then, respond first with the points of agreement in this fashion - "I accept your criticism." It is an enormously powerful statement. By saying that, you are establishing yourself as a negotiating voice on equal footing rather than as a victim. You are essentially saying in four simple words that the criticism is only as powerful as you allow it to be. It also sets you up to reject other points you may not agree with from a position of an equal and reasoned negotiator - such as having a harder time accepting the timing and manner in it was presented - that it precluded your ability to take corrective action sooner. That by the way is not your failure, but a failure of management. But first accept the criticism you honestly agree with. That tells them everything they really need to know, and breaks their battle charge, opening the best possibility for true discussion on those points you do not accept.

As a CSA victim, my subjugation to the whims of my abuser ultimately was a failed negotiation. I can see that now. I was 12, and he was 15. And even though I was smarter than him, I yielded because I believed he held better cards against me, and that I would lose if I played my hand. That set me up for years of being the victim to everyone around me. Part of my healing has been to step up to the plate when challenged - not as a poor and unfairly-treated victim, but as a negotiator with the courage to face the other person. But that only works if I am first willing to face myself.

It's only my opinion, but I hope that helps you.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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