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#46836 - 05/18/05 11:06 AM Re: I hate being single
parttimecop Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/04
Posts: 139
I am so alone. The abuse and other things have made it very hard to trust and open up. And when things go wrong, I fall back into hating myself for not being good enough yet again. It hurts. I am so tired of not being good enough.

I could have women, of a sort. But I would never be with a girl/woman(whatever the correct term is these days) just because I am horny and lonely. I do not want to use anybody for sex. I had it done to me and I would rather die than use another the same. There is one at work I could very easily have sex with. I must follow my convictions, not my pecker. Plus it would only satisfy one urge and not my empty heart.

I had a girlfriend last year. Then it all came crashing down. I was just not good enough. I would just once like my prayers to be answered. I am so sick of this emptiness. Why let me think my prayers had finally been answered? I keep going, but hope seems so foreign a concept now. Hope hurts.

All this from my abuse. I would love to have some justice. She took away my every joy and hope of good things. All I have now is porn. That is so sad and it sickens me. Is that all I can ever have? Goodness seems denied me. If I could get ahold of my abuser at this moment, I would probably do some things I would later regret.

I don't know if it helps you, but know that you are not alone. I pray you can know some goodness in your life. No man should be forced to live this way.


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#46837 - 05/18/05 01:13 PM Re: I hate being single
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ptc, yeah, I give up on girlfriends, I used to get so attached, then it all goes pear shaped.
I cant afford to be hurt like that, or hurt them, and touch issues cause a lot of the damage.
I am scared of touching anybody, or them touching me, I suppose I relate touch to being hurt.
I call it self betrayal, because that is what it is.
In love, relationships, or proffessional life, it has just damaged these things beyond repair, and for the boy who thought he could fix anything, he finds it much harder to fix himself,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#46838 - 05/18/05 01:17 PM Re: I hate being single
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I just lifted this little bit from another poster, hope he dont mind,

Quote:
More from the workbook I'm going through, "The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse"... "The sexually abused person often carries contempt as an antidote to the bite of pleasure. The first stirring of aliveness or passion in contact with another feels like a venom that may take both parties into a destructive spiral of lust or revenge. ... The past abuse - drowned in a sea of denial or ever-present as a living nightmare - threatens to overwhelm the victim if he relaxes his vigil and lets down his defenses." Wow....dead center. The book closely associates contempt with shame, saying that in order to avoid shame we often turn to contempt. "I'm ashamed of myself so I hate (have contempt for) myself."
Just thought this book might be worth investing in,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#46839 - 05/18/05 02:52 PM Re: I hate being single
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11021
Loc: Denver, CO
parttimecop,

I hear that. It seems acting out in some way is all I have, and that is so desolate and barren I can't stand it. I know there's something better, but I just can't connect with it yet. I'm just not there.


reality2k4,

I have that book. It's a tough read, but a very useful book. I have a hard time calling it a good book, since I felt the good doc smack me in the face a couple times while I was reading it. But I recommend it to anyone on here.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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