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#468154 - 07/28/14 11:34 PM going through a rough time
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I'm having some physical issues that are forcing me to ask for help, and am coming to understand my terror of asking for help has consistently and progressively weakened me for this entire lifetime.

I'm being forced to walk through a level of terror not experienced before, and moving closer and closer to the original abuse. I know this is aggressive healing taking place, but it feels like indelicately and continuously ripping the scab off a wound that is not healing properly.

It hurts and it scares me.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468166 - 07/29/14 07:45 AM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Don buddy,

We are with you. Asking for help is such a hard thing to do, but is critical to real recovery. Feel free to PM me anytine.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#468170 - 07/29/14 09:23 AM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Don

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. I think asking for help is difficult but as I have been healing I realize the importance of reaching out to others. They become support and allow you focus on the work that needs to be done to heal. Digging deep inside is hard and can be scary but once you let it out you begin to feel free.

We are here for you and keep us posted.

Kevin

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#468180 - 07/29/14 12:29 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 133
(((((Hugs)))))
I can empathize with you asking for help is so hard so painful.
When I started my recovery I was so scared that what I would say Would hurt the ones I was telling so scared of what it or the perps would do to me if I told my story. Mind you that some of my abusers are dead or don't know where I am. The fear was and at times is so real. But once through the door the pain does ease it did for me. Hang in there you are doing good for your self just by being here and asking for support. Take care. PM any time if you like.
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#468200 - 07/30/14 12:51 AM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks guys for the support. It means a whole lot to me right now. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468225 - 07/30/14 03:35 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I find myself just crying. I intend to love myself and to value myself, but I just keep bumping up against the same places in myself, and feel like I just don't know how to love myself enough and value myself enough to make a difference right now.

I've done this long enough to know that movement does eventually occur, and that if nothing is happening right now it just means I haven't given myself the time I need to come to a new position. I'm just feeling such a deficit of love in my life. I am very sad. I just keep coming back to "Daddy don't hurt me, Daddy don't hurt me." And, I don't have any real pictures to go with that. I think I have to love myself enough to respect that when the time is right, more will be revealed. I guess the tears I'm having is just what I need right now. And, as I type this I find memories of screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! coming out, and more tears.

Don


Edited by don64 (07/30/14 03:37 PM)
Edit Reason: last two sentences
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468227 - 07/30/14 03:39 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I think it's one of the rapes.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468228 - 07/30/14 03:47 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
TRIGGERS******************TRIGGGERS

The anal rape was violent and painful. I fought but I was too little. This is more personal and more connected to a real event than it has ever been. Before, it's always been a disconnected intellectual knowing, with a separate feeling place. So, I pray and believe this is healthy, integrative work. A reason I've never been able to ask for help is because I believed it would lead to this rape.

Thanks,

Don


Edited by don64 (07/30/14 03:50 PM)
Edit Reason: add last line
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468234 - 07/30/14 06:01 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
I know this all too well, Don. All TOO well. It's a lot to work through. Hang in there; we'll make it.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#468246 - 07/30/14 07:16 PM Re: going through a rough time [Re: don64]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Reading this was very affecting. Sometimes i think our scars are like fingerprints, and we can feel so very alone with the stuff we are left to deal with. I've come to really appreciate you and your words here, Don. They have helped me a lot. I can only hope the words I am writing here for you will help as well, even if only a fraction as much. We're here and we care. Hugs.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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