Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
6 registered (highflight, Ocellaris, 4 invisible), 18 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63542 Topics
443969 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#468202 - 07/30/14 01:08 AM Fragile
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
Feeling a bit more vulnerable tonight - a reminder that although things are going decently, still have had some anxiety this month.

For me, this palpable, fragile feeling can kick in my self-injury impulses. I haven't engaged in that for 8 or 9 years. Realize the thinking is messed up with even considering it - as if I could control things by inflicting pain on myself & armor-like deadening my response to others possibly hurting me.

Fortunately, playing the tape forward, the after-effects aren't appealing. This does bring to mind how fragile people really are - how even more fragile I was back during my CSA as a kid than I am today.

And if I were to self-harm, chances are I'd experience the same vulnerable feeling again, but next time find the self-injury impulse that much harder. So, it is better to just get through it that shaky fragile feeling without doing anything to avoid it now.

Hoping I can get a good night's sleep and will feel better in the morning.



Edited by kcinohio (07/30/14 01:11 AM)

Top
#468205 - 07/30/14 04:31 AM Re: Fragile [Re: kcinohio]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
One thing I've been thinking recently is our human habbit of associating weakness with being reprehensible or evil is a very stupid thing.

I know there are lots of people who claime that strength is better for one reason or anotherr, stupid masculine sterriotypes, ridiculous existentialist views, or false adherence to a believed god of evolution to justify their own insecurity.

Why however. What makes a thing that is delecate any less valuable than a thing which is not.

Recently I bought a very beautiful set of licure glasses. They're stained red and have highly ornate gold edging and were just for sale on a car boot stall. They are not particularly antique or valuable, but they are about 60 or so years old and the design is very unique. Do I value them less because they might break if I drop them?
Hell no! Quite the opposite in fact.

Strength in and of itself doesn't particularly seem much to be admired, indeed just ask yourself who you would respect more, a fat and lazy medium weight boxer, or a very highly trained light weight boxer. Their physical strength might be the same, but it's fairly clear which one is doing the better things with their life and their training.

So, your feeling fragile. Well so what? that's how your feeling right now and how things are. It's not to be ashamed of. the question iss, given that you are! feeling fragile, what should you do about it?

Beating yourself up just because that's how your feeling would seem to me just like if I took one of those very pretty little glasses and deliberately smashed it simply because it is glass.

I hope some of this is vaguely helpful. I admit this is soemthing I've been struggling with myself recently.

Top
#468217 - 07/30/14 11:07 AM Re: Fragile [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi KC,

I'm sorry your feeling so fragile, and understand the reflex to mount an assault on yourself for not being stronger. I am going through a time of being forced by physical constraints to ask for help, and to take a closer look at my vulnerability and fragility. I've always forced myself to do more than I'm able to do in an effort to remain safe. All that approach has done is continually and progressively weaken me.

The impulse to remain strong is powerful in response to my actual vulnerability as a kid being abused by my parents. What I'm learning now, however, is embracing my vulnerability and learning to honestly assess what my needs are is the only key I have to healing myself. So, ironically, embracing how fragile I actually am is really my greatest strength. I'm not comfortable with it yet, and am going through a lot of terror walking through this new way of seeing myself, but I'm committed to doing it. It's rough.

One of the medicine cards suggests vulnerability is the key to enjoying the gifts of physical life. I've read that passage for years, and am only now getting an inkling of understanding it. If I don't show myself, warts and all, nobody will see me. I know how much I enjoy supporting others. If I don't share my vulnerability, my fragility, no one else has the opportunity to give me support. I may need to read this post to myself many, many times.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#468220 - 07/30/14 11:30 AM Re: Fragile [Re: kcinohio]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1648
KC

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. We all have fragile in our lives. It is part of living and we need to understand we can help it to pass. We need to see the good in our lives and not focus on the pain and bad. I know this is difficult.

We all react differently to similar situations. You know who you are, you know your past and I sense you do not want to self harm yourself. As Don said, knowing one is fragile is a great strength. You have taken that step and I hope it leads you out of the darkness you are experiencing and into the light of who you truly are.

We are here for and please take care of yourself.

Kevin

Top
#468222 - 07/30/14 01:26 PM Re: Fragile [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
Thanks Don and Kevin,

Better morning today - focusing on self-care, sleep and exercise. Helps to have good routines in my life these days.

Thanks.

Top
#468224 - 07/30/14 03:28 PM Re: Fragile [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi kc,

Sending you lots of support for loving yourself and valuing yourself. You are so worth it.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.