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#468072 - 07/27/14 04:33 PM Finally feeling whole
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42

I'd posted around these parts in the past. I like many was caught in a vicious cycle of trying to figure out my sexuality and trying to figure if/how it related to the abuse I'd suffered. It was a lengthy painful journey.

After trying as hard as I could to just go with the flow and accept that whatever reasoning there possibly could be there was an attraction there I'd inevitably fall back into the same insanity inducing cycle.

Everywhere I looked for answers just seemed to add more confusion which ultimately shows that nobody can really give you answers to certain things but yourself.

Some time ago I finally tired of the obsession, I reflected in a more peaceful manner and opened my eyes to things in my life that helped point me to some level of self awareness.

There are questions that may never have complete answers-this is life. Obsessing about them doesn't answer them it just allows us to avoid living. Which is exactly what I did for a very long time. And while I don't necessarily believe in black and white/all or nothing from a sexuality perspective I'm happy to be at peace with things as they lay.

For the first time in my life I look in the mirror and feel more complete. I do so knowing that I'm gay.

Fed up with the cycle I just decided to 'try it on' and live my life. I ventured out and went on a few dates and while there hasn't been any real fireworks it's helped me get to understand who I truly am.

And while only out to a few people and not all that sure if when/I'll ever totally come out I'm no longer living my life in. I went on dates in places where friends/family/co-workers frequent and I did so without a bit of hesitation.

What finally getting out of the cycle and simply accepting has given me in life can't be measured. Far to much time and energy had been focused on something that really shouldn't have occupied so much of my life. And while not sweeping the world of my real life with any grand declaration I feel as though I'm able to put my attention elsewhere, the calmness likely makes me easier to deal with and I can finally really live life fully.

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#468081 - 07/27/14 08:19 PM Re: Finally feeling whole [Re: irishguym]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Irish,

I came out at 19 and am now 65. However, I have carried an enormous amount of guilt and shame and self-abuse all these years, all tied to my abuse at the hands of my parents and the judgmental and hate filled version of religion I grew up in.

Recently I have been going through a gay movie marathon on Netflix, and am finding enormous emotional spaces in me are opening up. I couldn't even watch gay movies before now because it was just too painful to confront everything that was absent in my life. I'm now feeling like a very dried fruit that is finally and quickly getting re-hydrated. Though I've been a hermit for many years and only had psychologically abusive relationships before that, it feels like I'm finally healing. I am finally much more natural in my own skin, and am feeling like I will soon emerge from the isolated state I have been in for a long time and embrace my gayness in a healthy and much freer way than I ever have. It's hard to put words to how I feel, but it includes the wonder and awe of youth minus the fear I've always carried.

Congratulations on the results of your hard work, and thanks so much for sharing your journey.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#468090 - 07/27/14 09:56 PM Re: Finally feeling whole [Re: irishguym]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Irishguym,

I am really glad you have found your way to a place of peace with this, I remember you confusion around sexuality. I guess we can all fall into the trap of thinking too much about how to live and miss out on life itself.
The whole debate and different agendas about sexual abuse and how it affects our sexuality could leave us in a permanent limbo of confusion and inaction.

Peace

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#468099 - 07/28/14 12:24 AM Re: Finally feeling whole [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Thanks guys,

Ultimately time is one of the few 'truly' important things we have in this world it's such a shame to use it in a way that further inflicts suffering on ourselves.

As someone who has vocally stood up and fought for others rights to live their lives I found myself caught in a cycle that wasn't allowing me to just live mine. That realization and the acceptance that came with it will likely contine to ripple though my life in positive ways.

I felt like I had trapped myself in 'groundhog day' where every day was the same as the last. That really wasn't solely specific to my sexuality or how I dealt with the abuse that was the way I'd completely formulated my life in just about every aspect. Always ambitious in my career but never in my personal life or in my search for inner peace but a career only goes so far and the life outside of it and the happiness inside of me should've been a priority but it is now and will continue to be. Ironically I'm already see the benefits that focus has also brought to my professional life.

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