a BIG PS: why would I seek "healing" if all I'm going to feel is greater pain? This is my biggest wondering lately. It's just where I am at.
For me this road has been about loving myself and discovering things for me, not others.
What strikes me most about what you wrote is that it is about not getting what you needed. Perhaps the reason to feel the pain is that it is a way to acknowledge and accept that things were missing.
For me, the other reason to feel the pain is because it helps me be more present with those who may have some knowledge of it and seem to deny what's difficult. Some of the people I love the most have been the ones who have spoke about "moving on". I'm all for letting the past be the past, but when certain kinds of behavior continue in the present, someone has to say no. When I acknowledge what is painful, it helps me look it in the eye, deal with it, and feel a little stronger.
It is of course a fantasy to think this can be done all at once. In fact, that fantasy has probably been what has kept me from doing anything concrete about it. Going slowly and consciously, staying in touch with a good sense of self, and giving yourself space are a few ways to be realistic about what will help.
Thanks for your posts,