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#468040 - 07/27/14 08:50 AM Wondering if I'm alone
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
I was reading this woman's testimony this morning, a woman who had been sexually abused by her grandfather, and something in me was awakened. ---I actually know this woman, was there when she gave her testimony, and she actually gave me her story right there, unexpectedly.

My awakening is this: while sitting there reading this, a desire to tell.....a motherly figure...surfaced. This story mirrored my own hiding and shame, as she didn't remember anything until in her mid-life.

I feel nervous sharing this, for pain is never coherent....it just is. I'm wanting a motherly figure to talk to, yet a fear/feeling that my own mom did/didn't/did/didn't do something exists. Shame. Lots of shame

I'm actually praying for a safe place or group to share. I had memories 20 years ago--maybe it's back.

Am I alone wanting a safe "momma" figure to talk to?

I had shame writing that last sentence.

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#468052 - 07/27/14 12:51 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi fhrons,

Nope, you are definitely not alone. My last two posts (Guilt anyone?) and (Any Mothers Here?) are exactly about wanting a safe mother figure with whom I could get a more realistic understanding of what happened to me (and what was/is going on in my mother's world). The symptoms in me are clear. Subtle forms of childhood abuse are definitely there, yet I still wonder if I'm not making it all up and fear returning to the denial that dominated most of my life. Very few people seem to understand that women can be hurtful, deeply hurtful. It's much easier to paint them as suffering victims/martyrs so that we can get into our hero role (as men) and ride to the rescue. It's such rubbish.

No need to feel shame. I feel the same way. I've only had one (non-professional) woman who recognized the depth of the trauma I'm struggling with and called it criminal. It touched me deeply. Most people just want me to get "fixed" by a professional and somehow it will all go away. No offers to help even though methods do exist in my understanding. Getting in touch with my anger at women is important to my healing these days and getting in touch with a strong vibrant me in spite of the morons around me is also important to freeing myself of something that seems to have deep roots in the entire culture around me.


Edited by gaatt (07/27/14 12:52 PM)
Edit Reason: correct typo
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#468073 - 07/27/14 05:04 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
It's good to know I'm not alone.

The first thought when I wrote that was "what if I want to be alone?!"

It's unhealthy, yes. I'm realizing, and have been for some time, that I chose this loneliness. Not having to face rejection and criticism has kept me in my spot for a long time.

Does this click with you too?

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#468124 - 07/28/14 12:24 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Fhorns,

Sometimes, and particularly strongly these days, I want to be alone. I'm tired of looking for people who have some interest in my healing related needs (I understand that non-sexual touch in a safe social environment is helpful. Finding safety, for me, is a massive undertaking. I'm very sensitive to and react strongly to the sexual politics that is normal in our culture). I often end up taking on the emotional neediness of women and expose myself to the jealousy of men.

In the last 24 hrs. I've been getting in touch with my rage. It's pretty deep and pretty intense. In this state, I have nothing to offer to most people. I'm also getting in touch with my ability to say no to emotionally needy women who aren't interested in supporting me in my needs at all (It's a pretty clear reflection of my youth and relationship to my mother and surprisingly difficult to do. It's connected to survival for me).

Yep, I understand not wanting to face rejection one more time. Boy do I understand that. Today, I'm coming into the mode of "Dammit, I'm going to heal myself regardless of how many unsupportive morons I have around me!" It's a bit of a change from longing for SOME kind of healing related connection.

This site is good. At least I can write to you and I know that you understand. That's rare and a relief.

Thanks for posting your note.
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#468398 - 08/02/14 11:14 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
Gaatt, thanks for sharing your struggles. I can identify, no doubt at all about that. I just read about you wanting to be alone.

I'm here to focus on that. I'd not thought of coming here, but in retrospect, it seems obvious.

I'm feeling insecure today. It's my birthday, I spent most of the day with my 9 year old daughter, but it was in my ex-wife's home since she was away. She'd been on a business trip, got home, and (I felt like a little boy whose 'mommy' or audience just got home) but I held my emotional stance (meaning "don't feel or act 6 around her), but have kind of sat in my sh** ever since leaving her place.

Though she's emotionally dangerous, I still have this hope that she'll "change", be nice, not tell me silently or openly to "go away".............yet in a flash, I have fears of my PAIN....of being rejected......since I married a emotionally unwilling wife.

Anyone outside would see me and say "why do you have expectations for her?" I'll try to answer that.

Because my own mom was the same growing up. As long as she was breathing, I could "make her" (or manipulate her to) love me. She didn't know how to love boys...or herself. If she talked to me, showed interest in me, I'd done it!!! It was the gold I found every couple of years. It's exactly the same with my ex.

I never dated but 2-3 girls in HS, mostly for lustful ambitions, nothing else. Even the one girl in college I dated.....well, I was emotionally vacant and unwilling. Leaving her was barely painful since I had few emotion ties. (Yep, I see it in my wife, as I wrote before. We marry our emotional equals, I've learned. Guilty)

I've always felt unmet in my emotional desire. I've felt this strong need in me, and without acting like a needy, demanding 3 year old, noone knows. Myself included. I fly from person to person, job to job, hoping noone will ever know me.

Why the hell would I want to write that?

Since it's the truth.

I have one admission---spooked to deal with it. It's my main emotional memory. While doing a self-administered therapy about 3-4 years ago, I had this memory pop up. I was in my crib, so I was maybe 2. I was standing, looking at my mom, who wasn't facing me, about 6 feet away, outside the bedroom door. She was in her world, ignoring me, and that stuck with me. Was I crying out? Did she hear me? I used to believe I was important, but since then..............oww.. That stuck with me. It made sense since she ignored me all my growing up life too.

I'm frickin wanting to point fingers........nothing ever gets better when I do that. What does 'loving me' mean? Watching people be loved or loving seems my nearest accommodation. Damn. Not sure how to love me. If, when, why, how? Don't know.

God, please help me.

Thanks for listening and reading.


FYI, I'm NOT suicidal. Just dumping healthily here.

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#468401 - 08/02/14 11:45 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i am the same, and i have found and sadly lost a few mother figures in my life.
it has really helped to avoid contacting my real mother when i am feeling the urge.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#468413 - 08/03/14 06:19 AM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
wild_turky Offline


Registered: 07/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Australia Queensland
the saying only a mother could love it hurts a lot. My mother never sexually abused me but i did get beatings and when i tried to tell her what was happening to me, well lets just say i was alone one day after my 13th birthday. I longed for the warmth a mother has and the strength of a father. these thing i never found until i looked into the mirror and staring at me was a survivor,honest,decent man and that man found a beautiful mother for his children and they try there best to live happily ever after

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#468415 - 08/03/14 09:18 AM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 20
you are not alone,i feel like the women that i will ever click with ,are those that reminds me of my mother , i have come to learn the commons traits they all share , they are angry , unsensitive to how i feel , ignoring me and my need and most importantly they almost always imediatly get frustrated and lash out at me just when i'm feeling insecure and just want them to come to their senses and just see that i only want them to love me ...now what is sad is that it seems that i like it being tortured by those people i have such intense feelings for them , and my insecurity also is the root cause of it , because it gets me to wonder if i'm ever good enough for some girl who has more sanity than my mother
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#468419 - 08/03/14 01:23 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Originally Posted By: fhorns
It's my birthday,

Happy birthday Fhorns! I know I'm a little late and yet still I want to help you celebrate. I hope you've found a way to celebrate yourself, your qualities. I celebrate your willingness to be here and heal yourself. It seems rare that guys attempt this at the depth we are all working here. Thanks for being here and sharing your journey with me!

Originally Posted By: fhorns
I could "make her" (or manipulate her to) love me. She didn't know how to love boys...or herself.

Yes, I know this trip too and its a powerful one! It hinges on one premise: that love comes from her and/or outside ourselves. That's natural and essential for a healthy infant. It gets rough as we get older and our unmet childhood needs still haunt us.

Originally Posted By: fhorns
What does 'loving me' mean?

This is a question that occupies my attention a great deal these days too! It's almost like a Koan or a quest or a meditative practice. I've yet to come across a fixed answer, just an exploration into the mystery of it. It's a relief for me to explore it. It seems much better than being frustrated with others regardless of who they are. Sometimes it directs me to be gentle on my body, to be less judgmental of how it is. Sometimes is directs me to allow my rage, lust, and/or jealousy... to just be with them for a change... not repressing them or expressing them, just feeling them. Sometimes it directs me to be gentle on my thoughts. Sometimes, it directs me to look for help. Sometimes I really don't know, but the pain in my lower back tells me something is cooking, so I just take some time and wait. It really is a mystery with all kinds of twist and turns. Sometimes it directs me to share as I'm doing now. I feel better because of it and hope that you do too.

Thanks for writing. It's great to hear from you. Glad to know I'm not alone in this too!

Sincerely,

"GAATT"


Edited by gaatt (08/03/14 01:32 PM)
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#468421 - 08/03/14 02:10 PM Re: Wondering if I'm alone [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
Thank you, all of you. I find dumping my stuff here.....eww....actually helps me....ewww...own it.

Kind of a resigned submission to accepting all of me, good or bad.

Anyone here deal with fear of people knowing the "real" you? I do.
The (sad) truth: it's why I usually don't give responses to individuals here instantly. Like a barrier of fear rises, and I say, "stay back!". I struggle with it in MANY areas of my life. Repeat: MANY areas of life.

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