Well it’s late; I can’t sleep, and I figured maybe this would be a good time to write about this for the first time. Maybe this is why I can’t sleep, who knows. I was so nervous to write on here because I did not really think my situation compared to others here. After reading many other stories I realized that others actually can relate to how I feel. I am 28, single, have a roommate, a good job, loving family, and great friends. Up until this past May I never put everything together that happened to me. In May I watched a documentary on male abuse. I felt so connected to it that I you tubed videos and found a guy that had a similar story to mine and then went on Oprah’s show about male abuse. That started me down this road of relief that finally I understand myself more and feelings of being conflicted on what to do next and loneliness.
So best I start from when it started or when at least I remember it. I have always remembered this but just did not think it meant anything, wow was I wrong. I was 5-6 years old and my next door male neighbor would show me his dick and have me show him mine. This eventually turned into touching, then simulating what having sex with a chick would be like although there was never any penetration. One memory that I always thought about was this time in my parent’s above ground pool. He would pull out his dick and have me swim under water to do things to him, then swim between his legs, and back up. Then he would do the same thing to me. I remember thinking how big he was, how cool he was, and how we had this secret. Meanwhile my parents were maybe 20 feet away talking to his parents over the fence in their yard. He and his family moved that year and I never saw him again well until we became facebook friends, but that was it.
After he moved other boys my same age in the neighborhood and I would engage in very similar activities. Most of who I am still good friends with although we never talk about it. This went on until I lost my virginity at 11 to this girl I thought was great. Junior high through high school I slept around with a ton a girls. I had a few relationships that meant a lot to me “well at that time in my life” but always had commitment issues. I would never fully commit. Then I got drunk once with a guy friend and brought him in my pool and we did very similar things that I did when I was younger. Although it happened once and I never fully enjoyed it, I couldn’t understand why I would do it.
I moved to the other side of the state for college, which I never moved back. I was a drunken college student, who slept around, experimented with drugs pretty much every day. I had a ton of friends but was always angry. I had a good friend who committed suicide, among a couple other friends who had the same fate, then a girl I dated killed in a car accident, all my grandparents die, a cousin die, and it sent my into my own drunken suicidal days. All the relationships with girls I had I broke off because I thought that I had to be gay because of all the “gay” shit I use to do. I even tried to hook up with different guys but again never could get into it and hated how I felt after. I eventually started dating a girl I knew from grade school for about 6 years and loved her but still wouldn’t fully commit so I broke it off. We are still good friends today though.
I now work with juveniles which feels great to help young people however I can. I also now only causally drink and smoke a little weed here and there. I still have my friends from the old neighborhood and college. Then the realization of a couple months ago set in that left me to self-destruct. I spend all my money on dumb shit, pay bills late, started partying again, and thinking about that neighbor from my childhood. I haven’t told anyone, not because they wouldn’t listen, but because I know they won’t relate. My sex drive went very high and I started sleeping around again. I then stopped a month ago and now don’t even want it. I want to talk with others who relate and want a wife someday who I can trust. Oh and trusting people is something I don’t do. I know right now I am a bit lost but I am hopeful that I will make my life good again but I get the feeling that some of this stuff will always be around.
Sorry for the long story and thanks for reading. I am thankful I found this website because I would be way more lost without it. I have so many mixed feelings and do not understand how I could not have figured this out earlier, it is like wtf.