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#467868 - 07/22/14 03:30 PM Guilt and stuff
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Things have been pretty bad lately. I recently got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Iím pretty gutted about it. I already have more than enough stuff wrong with me. There is a genetic link, a 1 in 10 chance of having it if you have a parent with it. My dad has it. But heís this weird crazy guy who used to spend months in bed. Thatís not me. And everyone keeps saying to me, ďwith medication you can have a normal lifeĒ. Wtf?? Thatís totally not what I want to hear.

It was probably the most thorough evaluation Iíve ever had though. The psych said he thought Iíd had it from an early age, which explained the trouble Iíd had at school. It can have similar symptoms to ADHD. I looked up the symptoms in kids later on and most of them are the same ones that abused kids have. I always thought all the problems I had came from what happened to me, or from PTSD. But now I don't know what to think, this just makes me more confused.

Then I did a really bad thing which I won't mention. It was pretty evil of me to do that to my family and friends. My best friend did cpr on me while he waited for the ambulance. It must have been completely terrifying for him. Apparently I was violent and uncooperative in the hospital. Though I really have no memory of that. But I feel so terrible about it. Those people were just trying to do their jobs and didnít deserve that. I just feel very ashamed about the whole thing. And people are being too nice about it. I want them to hate me and yell at me and say how stupid and selfish I was, but they are all being nice and telling me Iíll be ok.

I want to be ok. But I donít know if itís possible. Iím not sure if people are really listening to me. I have got completely off track with this and it seems like too much. I did therapy for almost a year, and I feel like I barely even started talking about stuff. Iím not really sure what Iím supposed to do. I seem to go through spells where it seems pretty simple, then other times it feels like itís impossible. For a while I tried to fake I was fine, not talk about it or think about it. But I think that was worse. I keep feeling all this huge guilt about how my life is really not that bad, so why am I not happier and more grateful? Iím reasonably smart, have some talent, people seem to like me, Iím lucky to have good friends and normal relationships and a family who love me. Some people donít have any of that stuff. I just keep thinking what more do I want? Why isnít this enough?

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#467876 - 07/22/14 07:13 PM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 826
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Txb,

What is true for me is that I am the only one who can ultimately figure out what is right for me. I needed lots of help for lots of years. Shrinks, psychologists, social workers, individual therapy, group therapy, medications, and a host of other personal growth alternatives and reading tons of books related to what felt relevant to me. In retrospect, it seems that everything I was involved in trying to keep myself glued together became a piece in an arsenal of tools; an arsenal of tools which I ultimately used creatively on my own behalf.

I hope you are able to develop a healthy curiosity about all your experiences, and know that everything you experience will ultimately come together for you in a very personal and meaningful way. And, it will come together in a way that feels like you are more equally participating in your journey. It just may take a very long time. Strap yourself in for the long haul, and begin to live only in a true present--a time when you just make the next best, sustainable and healthy choice you are able to make. That is how it has all come together for me at 65.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467890 - 07/23/14 12:01 AM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Your here for a reason my friend. Something bad happened to you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467962 - 07/25/14 07:19 AM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Thanks. Don, I know you are right, that no one else can tell me what to do. And normally I hate people telling me what to do anyway. But with this I'd really like some kind of plan, something to follow that guarantees that I feel better and everything sorts. I know that doesn't exist, because everyone is different. I just don't want to waste any more time doing things that don't help though. I just wasted two weeks of my summer in hospital. And wasted more time on medication that made me feel worse.

Since I posted I've felt a bit better. I wrote some journal stuff for the first time in a long time. And tried to do some art. Though mostly it was just ripping out sketch book pages. I will never build a portfolio if I keep destroying everything I make.

I'm just tired of myself really. It seems like I'm always obsessing about something. Mostly bad things I've done, or things that make me feel guilty. I have no idea how to stop doing this. It's not even always abuse related stuff. This morning I was thinking about someone I knew when I was 14, he 'borrowed' his mother's car, and let me drive it. We drove for miles, then on the way home we were overtaken by a police car. It seemed like they drove level with us for about 10 seconds, and I was sure they were going to pull us over. But nothing happened. NOTHING HAPPENED. Yet I still obsess over this, thinking about what would have happened if they tried to pull us over. I wouldn't have wanted to get caught and would have probably ended up crashing. Or in big trouble. But none of that happened. So why am I still thinking about it now?? Also one of my current obsessions is from the first time I took my cousins out alone. We were walking from their house to mine and I almost got them all hit by a car. Almost. No one got hit, everyone is fine. But I'm still thinking about this over and over and feeling guilty like it actually did happen. I often wonder if anyone else stresses about this kind of stuff and goes over and over it in their mind. It seems like if I could learn to let go of the small stuff then it might help me get rid of the big stuff.

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#467970 - 07/25/14 03:08 PM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
DeAR txb and all.

It seems to me you are reviewing feeling of guilt that are easy to access. Being bi polar but not as bad as your dad, having almost killed yourself and others etc, etc.

For me it is much easier to express my guilt about these events than the sexual events of my childhood. The oral and anal rapes, the nudity for pictures, etc. etc.

As long as I focus on the "low hanging fruit" and avoid the deeper traumas I hold on to the guilt and get nowhere.

Just my experience.

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#467985 - 07/25/14 09:26 PM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Txb. I'm sorry to hear about the turn things have taken for you recently. I guess the good news is that you've gotten through it and have survived it. I know for a while there things were going a little better for you. Can you put your finger on when the downturn started? Was there an event or events that perhaps could have triggered it? Either way, I know you have the ability to take positive steps forward, because you have before. Sometimes when you slide back down to the bottom of the pit, you just have to start trying to climb up again. At that point, it's the only way to go.

I wouldn't let your being diagnosed as bipolar confuse you. Sure, some of the problems you've had along the way are symptoms of bipolar disorder and some of those same symptoms can be the ones victims of CSA exhibit. You may have had some of those same issues in your life whether or not CSA had happened to you and someone who was not bipolar who lived through what you lived through may have has those symptoms. What that means is that you've had twice as much to overcome. You've had to run the gauntlet of emotions and hardships that any CSA survivor would have to run, except with extra hurdles in your way. To me, the fact that you're still here means that you are a survivor among survivors, and I mean that 100%. You may not feel like it, but you have some strength in you that most people can not fathom, because most people are lucky enough not to need such strength.

I know you will survive this, TXB, and I believe that one day, when you are older, you will look back on what you have survived and shutter. You will shutter, but you will know that you have come through some hells that most people can't even fucking imagine. This may not be the last low point you're going to have to deal with and you may slide back to the bottom of the pit again. That's ok. You're still very young and I fully believe you will build a decent life for yourself and will be one to improve the world around him someday, even if only in small ways. (Perhaps even in big ways, who knows?) Even then, there probably will be times when you struggle, but it will be worth it. However, the struggles you go through now will make future struggles easier to navigate. I think that much is true for everyone, whether they are a CSA survivor, a bipolar disorder sufferer, or not.

Originally Posted By: txb
I often wonder if anyone else stresses about this kind of stuff and goes over and over it in their mind.


Constantly. Until it drives me almost to madness. So, I don't have an answer for how to cope with that type of obsessive guilt/shame thinking but, I can tell you you're not alone in it. Not sure if that helps at all though. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#468060 - 07/27/14 01:49 PM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 139
Loc: Ohio
TXB, please remember that you are not alone on this website. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder years ago and while there is a genetic component to it there is also an environmental factor as well. I am no expert but I think that is true of many illnesses. However, what I would say is that I think you are amazing in that you are dealing with a double-dose of problems which would baffle and defeat anyone who did not have your strength.

What more is there to life than good friends and work? How about that which you deserve, healing from the trauma that someone else inflicted on you. Perhaps if talk therapy is not working you need a different therapist. I am blessed with an outstanding one and it has really helped for me.

I guess the point of this message is that healing is possible and you are definitely strong enough to achieve it. I think you are especially fortunate in that you are dealing with this while you are young; I did not not start until I turned 48. Ignoring the problem of my CSA did a lot to screw up my life and I am still dealing with the consequences of that.

Be proud of yourself and realize that you are worthy of compassion, forgiveness and healing. You are a remarkable person. I send you love and healing with hopes it helps.

Mike

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#468552 - 08/05/14 02:41 PM Re: Guilt and stuff [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Thanks for the replies, and Iím sorry it took me so long to reply. I was at summer school last week, commuting into the city. A week of that totally wiped me out. I have no idea how normal people manage that 5 days a week, 50 weeks of the year.

Genedebs, I think you are right, and I guess thatís what Iím also trying to say. That all the pointless small guilt is keeping me from the big stuff. Iím not sure Iím doing it on purpose, I just canít seem to see a way to get rid of the small stuff guilt.

Thanks for the reply Ken. Iím sorry I owe you a message from months ago. I feel bad about that. I think things were going well at the start of the year because Iíd got into some kind of routine, like getting up early (ish) and being productive. The only thing I can see that caused things to go bad again was that I went off this routine. Which makes me seem like Iím a 2 year old or something that needs a routine or they have a meltdown. Things are going a bit better now since Iíve now got into another routine, and been doing productive stuff again. Iíve also stopped the meds I was taking that sucked and have started lithium, though Iím not sure if itís helping but at least itís not making me feel any worse. My cpn is sending me on some kind of bipolar education course, about self help and stuff. I feel a bit more positive about it, not so much like I have some kind of disability and Iím doomed. Thanks for believing in me. My degree is actually going to be in Design and Innovation, because it seemed like a good way I could do something good and help people. Iím sorry you have obsessive guilt about things too, it really sucks. I think life is hard enough without all this extra worry over small things, or things that never even happened. I havenít found a solution for this yet either.

Mike, thanks. I wonder about the environmental part of bipolar, like if nothing had happened to me, would I still have it? But itís kind of pointless thinking about that. I started back with my therapist this week. I do like her. Itís mostly been me that has been slowing down the process. I have this thing I do when Iím about to talk about something serious then Iíll start to joke around or pretend something trivial is really a big deal. Just to distract from the main issue I guess. I need to stop ignoring it and face it properly. I donít want to still be struggling with this in 10 years. It does seem wrong to want more than I already have, but secretly I feel like Iím owed it.

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