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#467603 - 07/14/14 09:21 PM Urges
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hi. I'm 31 and recently engaged to a wonderful man. We are soon moving to a state where we can marry and both super excited about it. At the same time, I feel that lately my sexuality has felt dark. It was actually just recently that I made the connection with this being an anniversary of my rape - it was 7 years ago. How it impacts me now is that I get almost uncontrollably horny. It's a feeling that isn't satisfied though as much sex as we may have. I'm not sure what to do, or how to overcome it. Sometimes this leads me to think of exploring various sexual fetishes. Anyone else experience this?
_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#467618 - 07/15/14 08:27 AM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
Tarobuns108 Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 20
Loc: NJ, USA
Nate,

My sex drive has been high ever since I was sexually assaulted roughly 2 years ago, which is especially odd because for a long time before the assault I actually thought I was borderline asexual (albeit homoromantic). It was kind of jarring how much I wanted to have sex after. I also became addicted to porn for a few months when I previously had absolutely no interest in porn whatsoever.

I think in my situation, it's almost like I have an average sex drive now so I never really did anything to correct it. With the exception that I did force myself to quit looking at porn.

If the sexual fetishes are healthy and your partner is open to them, then maybe it wouldn't be bad to explore them together. If they're not healthy and they seem to be harmful or dangerous in some way, then maybe that's something to discuss with a therapist who may be able to help resolve those desires. I know therapy helped me a lot in other ways. Maybe with the right therapist, you can resolve problematic thoughts or inclinations if you have them.

Best,
Ren


Edited by Tarobuns108 (07/15/14 05:25 PM)
_________________________
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7

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#467648 - 07/15/14 07:16 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Nate,

Sexual abuse has very long term effects. If you haven't seen a therapist before, talking to a competent therapist specializing in sexual abuse with men might be some of the best insurance for you going forward. The hidden effects of my sexual abuse are only getting healed now in my 60's. I hope you are able to preempt any long term effects of your abuse.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467726 - 07/17/14 05:36 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hi Guys:

Thanks for your response. I think you're right - counseling is what I need. I'm in transition moving to a new city, so hopefully once I get there I can find a counselor in the next couple of months. I'm glad you both have had positive experiences. I've tried counselors before, but they haven't been the right fit for me. Now that I'll be out of school and have income I'll be able to afford to find someone who specializes and has experience with men who have been sexually abused.

It's crazy how long the effects last - I was thinking I was over it, but I know we are never really over it... it's traumatic and leaves a scar amongst other things...
_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#467729 - 07/17/14 06:16 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Best of Luck, Nate. Sounds like a good plan. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467730 - 07/17/14 06:20 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
Tarobuns108 Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 20
Loc: NJ, USA
If you need help finding a therapist in Philly, let me know. I am friends with a social worker who might have recommendations.

Best,
Ren
_________________________
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7

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#467811 - 07/20/14 12:18 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Yes that would be helpful Taro!
_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#467877 - 07/22/14 07:56 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 15
Loc: New York
I struggle with being overwhelming sexual as well. I honestly don't know if its abuse related or not except for the fact that I became that way when I was about 6 years old. I started masturbating very, very often at that age and I only stopped pretty recently because I'm in a relationship with someone who is very accommodating. I sometimes feel very guilty about it because I think it must be very diffficult to deal with even though she tells me she doesn't mind. Would she even tell me if it bothered her, knowing that it would probably hurt me if she did? I hope she would tell me the truth but honestly I don't know.

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#467924 - 07/23/14 10:41 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
somaticfilter:

I hear ya - I've wondered the same thing if my high sex drive bothers my partner or not. I've wondered the same thing. Sometimes I feel like I can't control it.
_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#468079 - 07/27/14 07:55 PM Re: Urges [Re: somaticfilter]
Nvolpicelli Offline


Registered: 03/31/12
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
somaticfilter:
I would tell you silly


Edited by Nvolpicelli (07/27/14 07:56 PM)
_________________________
Much Love & Prayers
*Nicole*

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#468092 - 07/27/14 10:35 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
There is some research out there that abuse affects portions of the brain, the hippocampus, if I recall correctly, that affects sexual stimulation etc... Might be worth a look. There may be a physical basis for the changes you feel.

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#469320 - 08/24/14 05:57 PM Re: Urges [Re: Nate]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi all!

It's been a few years but it's good to be back with my CSA brothers. Many of you don't remember me but that's okay as I need to learn about many of you, too.

Please feel free to check out my story but it definitely contains triggers and like many of yours, has made some of our other brothers cry after reading it. I know that I cry or have anger after reading some of the survivor stories here.

Well, this seems as good as any topic to come back into MS on and so here's my take. I am currently in therapy, yet again wink for my CSA and the fallout from it that still affects me after all these years. I just talked with my sex therapist about how I can masturbate and orgasm in sometimes a minute or less thinking about all of the gay sex I had, abusive or not but can't always do it thinking about women. It's like a hardwire from my brain to my penis thinking about oral sex with a man.

She told me that so long as I just use it once in awhile for masturbation and recognize that's it just a way to get off quickly, it's no problem. I'm married and hetero now but have come to accept that I will always have those sexual memories and be aroused by them even though I much prefer heterosexual activity. The problem comes when flashbacks interfere with hetero sex which I don't want it to do or when abusive experiences are used in an unhealthy way and for sure acted upon.

The key thing that myself and others in the thread have mentioned is the need for therapy to address these issues and let the path to healing lead where it may. I can't recommend sexual and regular therapy enough as it has saved my marriage, allowed me to accept my homosexual experiences and desires and reminded me that but for my abuse, I would almost certainly been heterosexual and that I can choose my sexuality instead of having abusers do it for me. I only want and have had only had heterosexual relationships but am more than okay saying that I am turned on and get super hard thinking of men's genitals due to my abuse.


If you take away nothing else from my post, please know that it's okay to be aroused by your abuse, it's okay to be a heterosexual male who is turned on thinking about sex with men, it's okay to admit you can't heal from the abuse without professional therapy and it's okay to be open and honest here with your feelings and thoughts.

It's not okay to go through life letting our perps decide who we are as a person, who we're attracted to and for sure it's not okay to ruin personal relationships because we're too tough, too macho or too proud to seek out counseling to deal with our abuse and how it affects our sexuality and state of mind.

Hope this helps and be well my brothers.

J


Edited by westsidej (08/24/14 08:41 PM)
Edit Reason: added additional info
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My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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