Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
adam319 (46), Bellemaman (36), Bob G. (58), S D Witwicky (38)
Who's Online
7 registered (JayBro, focusedbody, genedebs, CafeMan, 2 invisible), 25 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63224 Topics
442115 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#46747 - 06/27/03 06:40 PM Starting over --Again
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
I found this site a few weeks ago in the midst of being depressed, and feeling like giving up. I am 38, married and had gone through about 3 years of therapy several years ago. I have been telling myself for several years I am ok, but finally with so much stuff piled up, my marriage in a mess, primarily because I have been unable to be intimate with my wife, and she has finally given up, I am trying to take positive steps and start over again.

I really do not want to. I don't want to work on myself, I just want to be "well" and "normal", feelings I see many of you express. But I realize I can't go on like I am. I want a life not an existance.

I have seen my Dr. and started on some anti depressants again, and have an appointment scheduled with a Therapist. Reading what you guys have written and just knowing I am not alone has meant so much to me over the last few days. I wish each of you the best and hope I will be as supportive and encouraging as everyone else here seems to be. Thanks so much!!

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

Top
#46748 - 06/27/03 07:34 PM Re: Starting over --Again
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Joe,

You basically said the same thing I did when i came here a few weeks ago. I am so glad I did, and if you stick around long enough to get through the avalanche of crap that will immediately descend upon you since you've opened pandora's box, you will be a very happy person. You are not alone!!!!!!!

Don't hestitate to ask questions, post ideas and feelings, and also, this is a very large website with a wealth of info and I hope you take time for you [and your wife] to absorb it and reflect on it. Looking forward to hearing more about you and you struggle.

All the best,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#46749 - 06/27/03 08:23 PM Re: Starting over --Again
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
BT Welcome:
I am sorry for the reason you found us but glad that you have. You are among brothers here. We all come from diverse backgrounds but we are here for the same reasons. You have been reading the posts. There is no judgement; sometimes dissagreements, but with compassion and genuine caring.

So read, post, chat and heal with us.

I was like you. Some therapy and bingo Ime ok. Well it did not work that way. I buried it for 40 years. But it is a hell of a lot better than it was. The trail will be bumpy but it is worth the hike.

Once again welcome my brother

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#46750 - 06/27/03 08:28 PM Re: Starting over --Again
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Reading what you guys have written and just knowing I am not alone has meant so much to me over the last few days. I wish each of you the best and hope I will be as supportive and encouraging as everyone else here seems to be. Thanks so much!!
You already have been, just by being here & writing that. Thanks!

Quote:
I want a life not an existance.
Right on BT! That's what it's all about!

My wife & I have trouble with intimacy too, but we're hanging in there after 23 years--tho it was really touch & go at times there. Hope you & you're wife can work things out in a way best for both of you.

victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#46751 - 06/27/03 10:18 PM Re: Starting over --Again
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
BT,

Took a lot of guts to come here and post, go to the doctor and the T. I hope you feel good about taking these steps.

It's a long path, but we travel together.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#46752 - 06/27/03 10:26 PM Re: Starting over --Again
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Just a couple short statements from my own personal experience:

You mention "starting over" and I want to emphasize that because you have been reading the posts here, you may be starting again but not at the same point you were at when you came here. The posts have impacted your thinking to some degree...you are further along than you might think.

You mentioned you "didn't want to start over". The key word that I had to change in my focus is the word want. I found I had to address what I needed to do to get well and healthy..it wasn't going to happen if I only did what I wanted to. Wants vs. Needs. It was tough because I kept wanting to go back to what I wanted to talk about, address, face, confront, wrestle with avoiding what I needed to face!

You want to express the "feelings I see many of you express" and that is a most fantastic goal for us survivors to make for ourselves. For me it took real persistence because the feelings I had to face and confront hurt like $&@* (well you know). But if I didn't talk them out, I acted them out. Sometimes with anger outbursts; sometimes beating myself up emotionally, crippling my self-esteem; and sometimes avoiding the ones I really love because I was afraid to feel (i.e. I love my wife but found it hard to say it so she felt I meant it).

Oops! I did say 'short" statements. Let me encourage you to commit to the therapy and invest with everything you have. You are not alone in this AND healing does happen AND I will wait patiently to hear you express those feelings.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#46753 - 06/28/03 04:46 PM Re: Starting over --Again
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I hope that the medicine will work for you. I think I try that soon, I try to find a doctor tomorrow. I know of what you mean, to feel "well" and "normal". I just worry that I do not know what "normal" is! I think I want to feel safe. And I want to feel some happy, because I am not sure I feel that before either. I am glad that you find here and come here instead of to give up. I feel stronger for finding this place, I hope that you will too. I wish you luck.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top
#46754 - 06/28/03 09:26 PM Re: Starting over --Again
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Thanks so much for the posts. Today was a good day. My wife and I went to the zoo, went shopping, and had dinner together. It is nice to have a good day now and then.

I told my wife about this site last night and what it has meant to me the last several days. She seemed to understand how important it was. It was a big deal to me just to tell her that. I know that seems odd but I was so afraid of some reaction that would make me feel bad about it. It is so hard to accept that someone may actually care about what happens to me.

I think SA is like a chronic disease our perps infected us with. It has all these strange symptoms that seem like you should just be able to fix, but they just keep coming back, like the anti-biotic is just not working. And some of them can just take you out. But you have to keep fighting and every know and then you have a good day. Maybe there will be more.

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

Top
#46755 - 06/28/03 11:15 PM Re: Starting over --Again
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I told my wife about this site last night and what it has meant to me the last several days. She seemed to understand how important it was. It was a big deal to me just to tell her that. I know that seems odd but I was so afraid of some reaction that would make me feel bad about it.
BT,

There's nothing odd about it at all. Anyone here who's in a committed relationship ERRRRRTTT! (Gotta get my noisy brakes checked.)

I have this terrible habit of speaking for the whole world.

I made a point of telling my wife about this site. She actually registered, though I don't think she's ever posted yet. I tell her about the conversations that I'm following here, like the letter to the paper.

I'm doing this stuff to make my life better. She's a big part of my life. I can certainly understand where you're coming from.

Later,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#46756 - 06/28/03 11:38 PM Re: Starting over --Again
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello, BT,

I'm glad you've found this site. Welcome to the pack! I have found a lot of strength and hope here. If someone as stubborn and sick as me can find help here, I'm sure you can too. ;\)

It's amazing how a bit of the love and support of survivors in recovery like what we have found here on this site can undo years of damage.

Try not to despair too much about the future or worry about the past. But when you do, this is the place to let it out and find guys who understand.

It's my experience that the forces of recovery are much more powerful than the effects of the abuse. Hey, we're the good guys!! Those bastards who abused are cowards, attacking us when we're weak and alone.

Well, we're not alone any more and there is a hell of a lot of strength here. Now, it's their turn to hide and try to get away.

There is incredible power in a group of like-minded individuals set on a common goal.

Here's a good example. In your first posting of this thread you mention having difficulties in intimacy with your wife.

In this last post:

Quote:
I told my wife about this site last night and what it has meant to me the last several days. She seemed to understand how important it was. It was a big deal to me just to tell her that.
I might be off-base, but what you describe in the above post sure seems like intimacy and the stuff it's made of to me.

Congratulations! You survived. I'm happy you've found your way here with us to recover. I'm glad you're here.

Welcome and keep coming back. \:\)

Your brother survivor,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.