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#467350 - 07/07/14 03:19 PM A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning**
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
I felt that younger part of me, as I often do lately...that ghost of an abused little kid, indicated by this particular shift in head space I can recognize...I'd just come back from a big 4th of July adventure to Montana and back which was like a big playtime for my inner child, eyes wide with wonder as I'm on the road, out in nature, seeing the mountains and kayaking...being near water. I've always loved that. We've always loved that. Now I'm home again and relaxing after a lot of driving and sunshine and meeting new people. Tired but feeling pretty good. He wanted me to make cookies again; imagine a 3 year old kid tugging at your shirt with puppy dog eyes asking for a sweet treat. I said no; I've had too much binge eating of cookies and such through all of June and I'm turning it around this month. He went into the corner and sulked, basically. I tried to ignore him...kinda like a parent putting their kid on timeout...and continued watching the Formula 1 coverage I had on, but realized I couldn't bear to ignore his sulking.

I asked him what was wrong. He couldn't speak to tell me; I could just see his face, mouth open, trying to find words to describe it. He couldn't find any words, he just lacks the language skills to express himself that way. I felt his presence fade and...feeling stupid for asking a 3 year old the wrong question, I scrambled to find the right thing to ask before I lost his presence completely. "How are you feeling?" bubbled into my head.

It took a few seconds for him to come back into focus but then it washed over me like a flood. Visual memories...sketchy outlines, like pencil work on paper, nearly flipbook-esque, but inverted tone like a film negative...the top of my head is sensitive, that part of my brain feeling alive with activity, and along with them the emotions to go with them...at first an intense garbled rush...I'm hunching over in my computer chair holding my head in my hands and starting to moan out and cry, and decide to get flat on the floor because that's about all I can handle right now, and this rush of emotions is starting to filter out into intense fear, deep confusion and shame, and I think a LOT of pain. I cannot feel the pain itself, I can feel the other emotions around it and the other sensations around it but the pain is edited out. It doesn't come across. I'm crying, balling up on the floor...clenched my jaw, lightly, mostly just tensed it, but felt a copper taste flood my mouth...which I believe to be a learned response caused by me, at that tender age, clenching my teeth so hard in response to the pain that it's become an involuntary response.


**TRIGGERS BELOW**









This memory is the clearest yet I have of being raped by my abuser. There have been other memories, but the clarity, duration, and emotional impact of this one were on another level. I believe, to be entirely truthful, that he split me wide open at that time, or somewhere around that time at least, as my current anatomy would suggest such an event at that age. I felt like in this event of penetration that I was remembering, I must've been so incredibly stimulated through all my senses...the intensity of this memory feels like it burns like a coal in my mind now, and has been increasingly for months, but for most of life was completely dormant. It blows my mind that it's always been there. Giving energy to who-knows-what sorta impulses in there over my lifetime as it hid away.

I had this sensation bubble up of a DESIRE to scream. A desire for that 3 year old to scream out from the pain. But no actual scream. The desire traveled up the throat to the back of those clenched teeth and stopped. It never came out. Reliving that feeling...it got to the very core of the emotion that I call guilt. "Why didn't I scream out?" becomes the fundamental weapon I use to self-flagellate, deep down underneath it all.

I rolled on the floor in tears. I hugged a balled up blanket like it was my 3 year old self and I told him I loved him. I love him and never wanted to lose him. I'm so sorry that sick bastard did that to you. It's not your fault. It's not your fault you were powerless. That should have never happened.

Me and my inner child are talking a lot more now. It makes me happy to make him happy. He's opening up to me more readily about the hurt and pain he's endured, and I'm getting better at listening and understanding him. I'm trying as best as I can at each step along the way to make him feel at home within myself, to make him feel safe in the world, to make him understand that he didn't bring it upon himself or fail to defend himself. He was always going to lose out to a fully grown adult who was going to take what he wanted.

I told him...you are such an innocent soul. You're such a good soul. It felt like he appreciated hearing that. It's not enough to undo the hurt but it's a positive step. I screamed into a pillow as hard as I could for that little boy. Let it ring out. You have the power to protect yourself now.

The pain must have been so strong, so completely overwhelming for that little child. Will I ever understand it fully? I'm literally talking about the force of anal penetration rupturing his sphincter, or at least hurting like hell and making him bleed and tear...age 3...the powerlessness to escape, the fear that even trying to assert yourself will just make it worse...how can you possibly cope with that?


Edited by NoSimpleMachine (07/07/14 08:39 PM)
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

Top
#467365 - 07/07/14 09:29 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 909
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi NoSimpleMachine,

I have abuse and torture in infancy and early childhood. And, for me, there was no way I could cope with that. I am pretty certain of another rape by my father at age 8,also. It seems there may have been rapes when my mother was in the hospital with new babies at ages 3 and 8 for me. All the work I've been doing for the past 12 years when I began to remember abuse from my father has been working around the edges and backing and filling kind of work. It still is. The level of trauma is severe for me, and there is nothing I can do to force this. It seems to be on auto pilot and works at whatever is my natural pace. My current position is that my inner child has to continually see me as adult Don making choices that keep me safe in order to fully come into consciousness. My sense is that only fully into consciousness will my inner child be able to integrate with the rest of me. I'm thinking it is a life long process, and not putting any time lines on the work. It has been hard for me to learn to be just where I am in the moment. Still not there, but becoming increasingly aware of the necessity for me to learn to live in a true present.

Love and good will to you with what is for me challenging and full time work.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467372 - 07/08/14 03:51 AM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 351
Originally Posted By: NoSimpleMachine
I felt that younger part of me, as I often do lately...that ghost of an abused little kid, indicated by this particular shift in head space I can recognize...I'd just come back from a big 4th of July adventure to Montana and back which was like a big playtime for my inner child, eyes wide with wonder as I'm on the road, out in nature, seeing the mountains and kayaking...being near water. I've always loved that. We've always loved that. Now I'm home again and relaxing after a lot of driving and sunshine and meeting new people. Tired but feeling pretty good. He wanted me to make cookies again; imagine a 3 year old kid tugging at your shirt with puppy dog eyes asking for a sweet treat. I said no; I've had too much binge eating of cookies and such through all of June and I'm turning it around this month. He went into the corner and sulked, basically. I tried to ignore him...kinda like a parent putting their kid on timeout...and continued watching the Formula 1 coverage I had on, but realized I couldn't bear to ignore his sulking.

I asked him what was wrong. He couldn't speak to tell me; I could just see his face, mouth open, trying to find words to describe it. He couldn't find any words, he just lacks the language skills to express himself that way. I felt his presence fade and...feeling stupid for asking a 3 year old the wrong question, I scrambled to find the right thing to ask before I lost his presence completely. "How are you feeling?" bubbled into my head.

It took a few seconds for him to come back into focus but then it washed over me like a flood. Visual memories...sketchy outlines, like pencil work on paper, nearly flipbook-esque, but inverted tone like a film negative...the top of my head is sensitive, that part of my brain feeling alive with activity, and along with them the emotions to go with them...at first an intense garbled rush...I'm hunching over in my computer chair holding my head in my hands and starting to moan out and cry, and decide to get flat on the floor because that's about all I can handle right now, and this rush of emotions is starting to filter out into intense fear, deep confusion and shame, and I think a LOT of pain. I cannot feel the pain itself, I can feel the other emotions around it and the other sensations around it but the pain is edited out. It doesn't come across. I'm crying, balling up on the floor...clenched my jaw, lightly, mostly just tensed it, but felt a copper taste flood my mouth...which I believe to be a learned response caused by me, at that tender age, clenching my teeth so hard in response to the pain that it's become an involuntary response.


**TRIGGERS BELOW**









This memory is the clearest yet I have of being raped by my abuser. There have been other memories, but the clarity, duration, and emotional impact of this one were on another level. I believe, to be entirely truthful, that he split me wide open at that time, or somewhere around that time at least, as my current anatomy would suggest such an event at that age. I felt like in this event of penetration that I was remembering, I must've been so incredibly stimulated through all my senses...the intensity of this memory feels like it burns like a coal in my mind now, and has been increasingly for months, but for most of life was completely dormant. It blows my mind that it's always been there. Giving energy to who-knows-what sorta impulses in there over my lifetime as it hid away.

I had this sensation bubble up of a DESIRE to scream. A desire for that 3 year old to scream out from the pain. But no actual scream. The desire traveled up the throat to the back of those clenched teeth and stopped. It never came out. Reliving that feeling...it got to the very core of the emotion that I call guilt. "Why didn't I scream out?" becomes the fundamental weapon I use to self-flagellate, deep down underneath it all.

I rolled on the floor in tears. I hugged a balled up blanket like it was my 3 year old self and I told him I loved him. I love him and never wanted to lose him. I'm so sorry that sick bastard did that to you. It's not your fault. It's not your fault you were powerless. That should have never happened.

Me and my inner child are talking a lot more now. It makes me happy to make him happy. He's opening up to me more readily about the hurt and pain he's endured, and I'm getting better at listening and understanding him. I'm trying as best as I can at each step along the way to make him feel at home within myself, to make him feel safe in the world, to make him understand that he didn't bring it upon himself or fail to defend himself. He was always going to lose out to a fully grown adult who was going to take what he wanted.

I told him...you are such an innocent soul. You're such a good soul. It felt like he appreciated hearing that. It's not enough to undo the hurt but it's a positive step. I screamed into a pillow as hard as I could for that little boy. Let it ring out. You have the power to protect yourself now.

The pain must have been so strong, so completely overwhelming for that little child. Will I ever understand it fully? I'm literally talking about the force of anal penetration rupturing his sphincter, or at least hurting like hell and making him bleed and tear...age 3...the powerlessness to escape, the fear that even trying to assert yourself will just make it worse...how can you possibly cope with that?


It's good for you to share this and get it of your chest, i don't feel the need to tell you how damaging this past may be, but you can only learn that everything may be taken from you in this world, your body, your freedom, your livelihood, your innocence, whatever doesn't kill you is now a enemy. You were cursed, you could say your soul was stolen,i read your words and it sounds to me like you are working to get it back. Follow the call of your soul, this pain is now your's to transmute into whatever you want, we come to this world some of us suffer, others live in ignorance of their suffering and the suffering of others.
The world is full of monsters, dragons. Every kid knows that, we ended up getting chewed up by one, i always think about the phoenix, how he came back from the void, he rose from what was left, inside deep inside all people who have suffered greatly carry this great medicine , the ability to die and be reborn to live and die with great ease and that way never fear what is beyond our understanding. We can flourish where those perish, and still be human.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467405 - 07/08/14 07:49 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
Its a truly harrowing memory, but it is healing that this terrible part of your experience has come back to you, for me having the pain, confusion and behaviours without knowing what happened was worse than having the horrors surface. It sounds like you have very good communication with your child self which is great.

It is beyond normal understanding that such a horror can be done to such a small child, but you have survived and can heal and from what you write are healing.

Hope you can continue to take gentle care of yourself and your little self.

Top
#467424 - 07/09/14 08:22 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 418
Loc: Ohio
Hope that sharing this trauma lessens the burden. In my experieince, the amount I felt of earlier abusive experineces varied. I found after some level of processing, it wasn't in my best interest to try and get through it all, even of a single incident. Just to get through what did come while I was actively working on it, and allowing myself to let complete processing go unfinished until some time later, if at all.

Don't know if that's the ideal way to handle it, but with a particularly traumatic, later recalled incident at around age 6 (possibly 5 or 7, somewhat unsure), I didn't feel all of it after remembering either. Some more processing came later, but also there was time inbetween to heal some of what had been recalled already. Just my experience.

Top
#467429 - 07/09/14 10:01 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
Thanks everyone.

This memory was a 9 or a 10 on the intensity scale for me...just got out of a T session doing lifespan integration on it and I feel a lot better. Feel less like my inner child is a distinctly separate individual and more like we're inseparable...it's a little nervy, like it's "move-in day" for him, but overall it feels good smile
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

Top
#467452 - 07/10/14 08:55 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
NoSimpleMachine,

Thanks for sharing such a personal experience with us. I have had very similar experiences in how you explain memories surfacing and their emotional and physical toll on you when you do. Reading it was a big "me too" moment. Really, I could have written the trigger warning section. Through very similar work and processing of my memories of abuse at a very young age, I was able to realize that the work was helping me. It was making me "sadder, but stronger."

That is the mantra I came up with to help me through these moments. I repeat it often, because while the strength is not always apparent immediately, over time I realize I have become more and more able to handle the surfacing of these intense memories. I realize them for what they are now, pieces of me as a young, hurt, and wounded child coming up from deep places within. I acknowledge them, absorb them in way that they take their normal place in my memories, no longer circumnavigated because I couldn't handle them. The more I consciously accept the awfulness of it all as coming from a child that was innocent and didn't deserve any of it, the stronger I feel in the long run. And the more of my true self I become. Yes, it is so very painful. But in order to get stronger, we have to go back through the awfulness of it, with an eye to ourselves as a child, guided by the wisdom of ourselves now as an adult and survivor. We get to consciously assist the inner child now. He that suffered alone and never had any help when the abuse occurred. It realignment on a grand scale. We get to be the hero to ourselves now that we never got way back then.

You spelled out the pain and shock of the moment of being abused so clearly and with such truth. It brought me to tears to read it. By speaking that truth, you are growing and helping yourself as a child heal. We were powerless as kids against cruel perpetrators. But, you and I and all of here on MS are no longer powerless. We can help those damaged parts of ourselves heal and get better through this kind of work. Your inner child will love you for it. You will both grow stronger and stronger together.

I wish you the best in your healing journey.



_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

Top
#467455 - 07/10/14 09:43 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: toddop]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 909
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Todd,

Your post really helps me put my own journey into perspective. I'm just now understanding and working through the space that keeps my emotional connection to the actual events hidden from me. I know I have to get to the feeling level of my damage before it can release and integrate it. Frankly, contemplating that has scared the shit out me. I have been doing rage work for years, but none of it has ever directly connected to the original brutality of sexual violation, because I can't emotionally remember any of it. I have intellectual knowings, but zero feeling connections. Your post has helped me make this whole horror much more personal.

Thanks for taking the time to share so personally and so fully. It really matters to me.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467479 - 07/11/14 12:15 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: toddop]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
Originally Posted By: toddop
Through very similar work and processing of my memories of abuse at a very young age, I was able to realize that the work was helping me. It was making me "sadder, but stronger."

That is the mantra I came up with to help me through these moments. I repeat it often, because while the strength is not always apparent immediately, over time I realize I have become more and more able to handle the surfacing of these intense memories. I realize them for what they are now, pieces of me as a young, hurt, and wounded child coming up from deep places within. I acknowledge them, absorb them in way that they take their normal place in my memories, no longer circumnavigated because I couldn't handle them. The more I consciously accept the awfulness of it all as coming from a child that was innocent and didn't deserve any of it, the stronger I feel in the long run. And the more of my true self I become. Yes, it is so very painful. But in order to get stronger, we have to go back through the awfulness of it, with an eye to ourselves as a child, guided by the wisdom of ourselves now as an adult and survivor. We get to consciously assist the inner child now. He that suffered alone and never had any help when the abuse occurred. It realignment on a grand scale. We get to be the hero to ourselves now that we never got way back then.


Very well said.

Before this event I had had a few weeks of being really insulated, smoking a lot of pot and going back to binge-eating habits...trying to numb out. Something big was coming around the corner and I was not looking forward to dealing with it. It got to the point where I was smoking weed and having headaches...which a few days later became smoking weed and having psychogenic pseudoseizures. My body locking up, very unpleasant sensations, etc. My brain was telling me that this was too big to delay its arrival. It HAD to be dealt with.

I learned pretty quickly that instead of feeling that sensation coming on and being frightened by it and trying to run from it, to close my eyes, take a few breaths, and ask myself "what do you have to show me? How do you feel?" and the tension and sensation of being on a brink of a seizure would release into these visual and emotional memories, and a new level of understanding.

The trip to Montana, the wonder of being out of my home and being engaged by the world again and leaving the pot behind me for awhile, really brought this to the surface. And for the couple days after this big memory, my inner child was constantly knocking on the door saying "I have more things to tell you! More memories to share, more emotions to bring up" and I just had to get in the habit of dropping what I was doing and listening and feeling, which is of course helpful to my recovery but also let that little kid know that someone was finally listening and finally cared. At first he didn't quite trust it when it was me and him, but we worked through that (and it was really hard to convince him to open up when my T was in the room, but we managed at least some level of connection with patience and some gentle encouragement).

Now that I did an extended T session with lifetime integration, those feelings have subsided and, as I said a couple posts ago, I now visualize my inner child less as a distinct person that I can see, talk to, hold hands with, hug, whatever...and more of an image that resides within myself. It's different. I don't imagine that the days of having these emotional memories bubble up and demand attention are behind me, though I'm in a pleasant lull at the moment, and I have some practice at getting something out of them now. Which includes remembering to tell my inner child when he brings these things to me that it wasn't his fault, that I love him, that he's safe now. With enough repetition it begins to sink in.


Edited by NoSimpleMachine (07/11/14 12:21 PM)
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

Top
#467480 - 07/11/14 12:26 PM Re: A fresh memory from the past **trigger warning** [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
I'll also say...I had this T appointment Wednesday. My T tells me that lifetime integration works best if you don't smoke weed at least two days either side of a session. I went home after that T session and cooked dinner and listened to some music and was going to go into my normal habit of packing a bowl and smoking it and I could just about hear my inner child pleading "no! Please, don't!". I immediately felt why. I remember when I moved in with my most recent boyfriend in 2012...I'm a really tidy guy and his space was so filled and cluttered with his stuff...I only got a tiny little corner of that space to put my clothes and setup my computer and I felt so uncared for. That space that should've been ours was never ours, it was just the same space that was always his and I got a tiny corner that he begrudgingly cleaned out for me. And it was honestly the beginning of the end of that relationship, feeling that way.

I was determined to not do that to my inner child. It felt like his "move-in day" and I was not going to disrespect him by using my "space" (my brain) the way I always did when I was "single", but to respect that he is part of me too. And I put all my smoking stuff away. It was one of the best decisions I think I've ever made.
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

Top
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