**Triggers***

so this is where so are able to share our life story.

so here it goes

as a little boy i had boys to go play with when school was out for the day and for the weekend i didnt want to go home until i needed to even then i hated having to go home i come from a very dysfunctional family a father who didnt give a whoot about me or my older brother and a mom that had to work after i was born and when she had to work my dad would leave me in the crib all day with a dirty diaper and do what he wanted with me the pain was unbareable and once the blood appeared from my rectum only then i was taken to the doctors it seems like the the only one they cared about was my older brother growing up i was acting sexually with my friends in ways that only adults should know how to do things and when i was older figuring out that i was taught those things by an adult figure. if i didnt act out with my friends i acted out and my father i mean in my mind at age 6 i thought it was okay he did it to me and so it was okay in my mind wasn't it but he would wake up scraming at me yelling at me telling im a worthless and using derogatory names towards my sexual preference he use to hit me when he would get tired of me this went on for several years till he up and left when i was 13

My other abuser is my brother use to beat the hell out of me cause i wouldnt listen to him this happened to me from when i was 5 till i was 12 when i fought back and cut his head open with a metal broom stick and then he hit me again so i took a cake knife and threatened and pushed it to my chest that was the worst pain emotional pain i was crying miserably wanting to die so badly it wouldve made his life better and everyone else life better i was only 12 so dad was present still but my brother and i were home alone for the time being

the wrost choice was that i tried to cut him and to what a suprise he didnt get into trouble i did and as the years went on it gradually stopped off and on but when i hit 12 my oldest brother yes my brother made me do things to him putting my mouth on his penis and tasting his pre ejaculation i thought to my self is this what plasma taste like i was only 12 and he was turning 17 how could this be happening to me of course this went on for a few years of him incesting me being 13 dad walked out said i wasnt his and he didnt want a gay son over the years i tried and tried to love him and i just ended up hated him and everyone else in the world being very angry with the world so i acted out on sexual things all over again acting on my impulses and dangerous behaviors having urotected sex with men I got into weed and drinking going on to being 17 i found out where he was living i went to see him for a couple days but i guess i held him wrong when giving a hug good bye i guess his body touched mine to close to his cause the next day he told me to go away you little effer and to hear that when your a kid it breaks your heart so i went back home crying a few years past still being a flusey getting what i want from men trying to get fulfillment and satisfaction gratification this is now the time were i have abused a street drug "meth" just for an encounter looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places getting a call in September in the year 2010 that my dad died that hurt me so badly but I was relieved that he was finally gone he is still my daddy and i still love daddy even though my daddy hurt me in a way where he shouldnt have ever done that then i became a heavy drinker and a smoke had stopped using drugs

cause of my sexual rape and abuse ive tried to kill my self a few times now the last one landed me in a mental hospital when i start to go through my depresstion all else dont matter its just the look and smell of death that i feel that wants me since i have no reward but being a loser they mustive known i was going to be a loser and seen ,e as a target being their product of rape i was 3 flpping years old and how is that even okay thats discusting and its b.s

now being an adult going on blind dates didnt help ither i nearly got rapped then that time to i do dangerous things cause of my rape not caring about the conceqences ive got the stupist most hateful mother not giving a crap about me saying I'm a liar that I've lies about everything that i wasnt rapped with her not believing me it causes alot of depression and other mental issuess i am getting treatment for this but as i find support it seems it won't help till I'm out of this place I have tended to go to adult sites after being intimate with my wife to get the satisfaction of two men on film as its a comforting part of me as odd as of sounds
I wish I was never abused I wish I never remember I wish I didn't even like men but I'm told by my mother things happen for a reason making me think you b wtf this isn't a "things happen for a reason" situation she knew I was abused and ignored it just because she loved her husband and needed his disability so now we have no relationahip at all we argue and I never want to get to close this mother I have she's mentally abusive to me it all just seems like I was born a human pin cushion
But The good Lord Almighty Blessed me and placed a wonderful woman in my life she's the biggest most strongest best support I've never had its different and scares the living crap out of me but I am glad she came along she's the best thing to have ever happened to me


Edited by ModTeam (07/06/14 08:49 PM)
Edit Reason: Added Trigger Warning