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#467017 - 06/26/14 11:44 AM My magic wand
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 380
I'm annoyed.

I have found (during some recent sh*tty situations) that my in-laws appear to have some notion that I should be able to 'FIX' the lasting effects of H's CSA.

Not just the mental stuff but the financial issues related to his depression, attempted suicide, anxiety, etc.'s interesting stuff since I was unaware of the magic wand I have to erase the problem.

Perhaps they also think he should just take a long shower and wash away all the ill effects of the repeated abuse he suffered while under their care. That would be nice and easy right? Sure.

I had no idea some of our 'problems' get discussed and instead of tracing things back as far as the POS sex offender I get the blame. Nope, can't be an issue from when he lived with us. It must be HER.

It's kind of amazing really. As long as I stick it out I will always be the whipping boy for the POS sex offender.

H got on the phone with them and raised a little hell. MIL very sheepishly tried to pass some blame the last time I saw her.

I suppose I should take into account that they know very little about H's inner workings since they were unaware of the abuse until after I was. I'm still annoyed though.

#467019 - 06/26/14 01:17 PM Re: My magic wand [Re: sugarbaby]
NoSimpleMachine Offline

Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
People who haven't experienced it or seen it in someone they care about are going to really struggle to understand. Our culture teaches us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and that failure to do so is weakness. It's a point where ideology tries to trump reality (but of course it never can). You and your husband accepting reality and being committed to the long slog of recovery is healthier than trying to get to a quick fix by willpower and effort. That's beating your head against the wall.

It makes perfect sense to be annoyed. IMO annoyance is about expecting those family members to know and understand more than they really do. It takes acceptance of their ignorance on the matter to make peace with the disconnect between what they say you should do and what you know you should do.

Stay strong and take care.
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

#467023 - 06/26/14 04:02 PM Re: My magic wand [Re: sugarbaby]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
My in-laws don't get it either. Its really frustrating to be the one who showed up to a mess you had nothing to do with and then instead of being appreciated for your understanding and patience you get blamed for parts of said mess.
Are we perfect as partners? Nope but we try with all we have and we endure through thick and thin. We shore up ourselves in times of trial and we stand by our men even though its challenging.
I think with my in-laws they don't want to face the guilt. As a parent I can't imagine the guilt that would come from knowing your child had been scarred under your watch. That you had allowed someone into their lives that had expoilted and tramatized them to the point that decades later they still struggle to function. Its easier to sweep it under the rug or act like its no big deal or blame the wife.
I hope that someday they do get it. I know I don't have a magic wand either. If you happen to find one on amazon or something let me know because I would sure love to order one.
Everything comes from within

#467269 - 07/05/14 01:26 PM Re: My magic wand [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 380
If you happen to find one on amazon or something let me know because I would sure love to order one.

smile No luck yet!

what they say you should do and what you know you should do

Good point!

Oh these people piss me off......still.


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