Since being held down and raped, after being over drugged and siezed and then having, his penis in me... he could only get erect if he nearly had me dead. left me strewn and knocked out and his friend "watched over me" .... he called it a "dream' . the two of them together are disgusting. half justice, is it still better than many get? yes.
One is still out there, but supposedly has changed his ways enough that he wouldnt do something like this again. (the one who watched me get raped. )
had i gotten a rape kit could i have stopped them? reality in america is. probably not.
2 percent of male s/a's are reported. even less pursued by the police.
Given those odds one of 2 perpetrators bound is still very good.
But in my heart I hate myself somtimes. I wake up, clenching my rectum or bottom.
Now ironically im dating a guy that is more of a "top" (i didnt figure it out til a few weeks into it. "
my friends will make fun of me even though I am more of a "top" myself. In fact one of the reasons i was raped is i think the guys wanted to rape a top to feel dominant.
Okay so I took about 4 d off diet and still did light runs and push ups. gabe myself permission to eat a bit off diet and will prob eat a bit of sweets at somepoint tomorrow lol but will tryhard not to.
I guess what I am saying is... i am trying very hard. And this week I slept better than other anniversaries since he is incarcerated. that made a big difference. I still want to cry, safely somewhere and given that I am still undergoing harassment, called gang stalking, or organized stalking, whistle blower retaliation (its bad wont go there here)... I dont feel its safe for me to fully express the range of feelings I want to. I watched my therapist completely betray me and her oaths of confidence so I am much more careful about how i talk to people now.
in grief. replies and responses welcome.