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#467144 - 07/02/14 03:05 AM I met me again aged 11 for the first time
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 234
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi all

I met with my T yesterday and we sat there talking and quite innocently he asked what colour my hair was back when I was 11 "brown" I said (I'm pretty grey now) wow I was blond he said pointing to his bald head (laughs), "how tall were you" he said, this went on for a while and after a few more questions I'd built up a picture of me back then (at this point I had no idea where it was going) he then said "Imagine the 11 year old you is standing there what would you say to him"

For 44 years I'd never connected with the me that was, he'd been locked away, never seen the light of day. I'm struggling to describe how I felt when I saw him standing there looking at me lost and alone, a momentous moment, a major milestone on this road that I'm on, empowering, an overwhelming sense of love and wanting to protect him, keep him safe, sadly the most that I could do was give him a hug, he smiled back at me, I couldn't vocalise my feelings at that point in time, I still can't, the words I've written can't explain how I felt, how I feel now.

But me and little me work for the day that we can give back to the others what is theirs and does not (and never did) belong to us.

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#467152 - 07/02/14 06:17 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 322
Nice of you to share. Blessings.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467155 - 07/02/14 07:12 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 85
My counselor talks about one day connecting me with the boy that was hurt. I hope when my time comes I can feel love toward him.

Your words give me hope.

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#467157 - 07/02/14 09:40 AM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
tbkkfile - that is beautiful. i am so glad for you.

i had a similar experience - triggered by unexpectedly finding an old photo. it was a profound and significant moment. i now carry a marble in my pocket to remind me of my younger self - to consider him and treat him with the kindness and respect that he deserved and never got.

keep on connecting with your little self - you will "both" benefit and heal together more readily than on your own.

and sorryson - i wish for you the same kind of experience. i had previously felt nothing but contempt and rejection for my younger self (he was 13)- until we "met" - and then i was able to feel compassion and love and acceptance - as i would have for any other child. there IS hope for you.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#467162 - 07/02/14 04:33 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
roninsteve Offline


Registered: 10/14/08
Posts: 16
Loc: Victoria Australia
Profound isn't it.
That moment when you realize that you were an innocent and powerless child and deserved nothing of the pain you received.
now together you can work on fixing the gap between you and supporting each other through the rest of the process.

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#467163 - 07/02/14 04:38 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 131
Loc: SF Bay Area
Wonderful story smile Reconnecting with my abuse-aged self was one of the first places my therapist took me too and it was very helpful. I feel very empowered these days when I realize he and I are one, share this headspace, but it's my role to give him safe harbor and help him feel comfortable and reconnect with him smile
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#467179 - 07/02/14 11:36 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 341
Loc: Ohio
Sounds like a healing session for you. Great work.

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#467201 - 07/03/14 12:02 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 263
Loc: Europe
I haven't done anything quite like that, but I have thought about my younger self, and I have a photo, etc. I have a tendency, even though I "know better" to partially blame myself. When I think of him, though, the young me, I know he's not to blame at all. It's odd.

It sounds like you had a good experience, even if hard to describe. I'm glad you shared it.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#467217 - 07/03/14 07:32 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
That is a beautiful and positive post, a real milestone, congratulations.
Sounds like the therapy is going well.

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#468354 - 08/01/14 09:15 PM Re: I met me again aged 11 for the first time [Re: tbkkfile]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 177
Loc: Virginia
Hi tbkkfile,

Congratulations. A milestone indeed!

I only recently found out about that lost little boy wandering around out there. Meeting him, hugging him to me, and crying over what was done to him was just an amazing experience. What's been even better, though, is the process of helping him heal, building him up as a person, and just loving him.

Our first meeting involved me clutching him, laying on the floor, and beating my fists against the floor. I had to let out the unbelievable anger I was carrying over how such a wonderful little boy was so badly damaged. I still cry from time to time! He was (is) a smart, wonderful, friendly, sunny little boy who just got crushed by many, many things, not the least of which was years of molestation. When I was no longer screaming at the top of my lungs (at long last,) I could calm down, just hold him (a pillow) and tell him how much I love him and that now he's safe.

We're spending time going over the things that happened, and I'm letting him tell the story. As his "dad," I can't go back and make things un-happen, but we can talk about it. As we talk about each thing and I share my love and counsel, he's beginning to understand that (a) absolutely none of the numerous things that happened were his fault, (b) I know how badly damaged he is, and (c) he's not going to be abandoned in his pain any more-- I'm here now, and together, we're going to work through all these things. He's far stronger than he realizes, and one of my jobs is to help him make the best of this strength of which he is so unaware.

I think of myself as a really loving dad who came back from leave. I thought things were going well while I was away, but it turns out this little boy needs a lot of work!

We now spend as much time together as we can, which often is during odd hours. We started by talking about what happened with some neighbors, who virtually destroyed his sexuality, his self-esteem, his respect for his body, and anything related to the female body in one fell swoop. He understands that they turned something that was innocent and entirely non-sexual into a sexual act and then severely criminalized it. He was far and away too young to know anything of sex. He knows that they, not he, were the sick ones and he did nothing wrong.

I've also stepped in at his school over several issues he was having, and I've gone to the door of his bully (accompanied by him, of course) and we're straightening that whole mess out. His sister has been threatened with death if she continues to make fun of him beyond what is acceptable for siblings that age, and I've had long talks with his mother about her abnormal/pathological demands on him, as well as her severe control issues.

In short, I'm being the dad he always needed. I'm helping him become the man I know he can be, instead of grinding him into the dirt and causing him to hate me and himself in equal parts. We have a long way to go, but when I see him now, still as young as when I so recently met him, he's already radically changed.

I can't wait to see what the future will bring.

Bob


Edited by gettingstronger (08/01/14 09:52 PM)
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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