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#467141 - 07/01/14 11:09 PM Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning)
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I don't know what to do anymore. My last thread was removed because of graphic content that could be triggering. I understand the mods decision, but if I can't talk about this to someone, then I'm as good as forsaken. I'm struggling against killing myself daily, I've been in and out of the hospital twice in the past month, the last one for an attempted suicide. Nothing is helping me, I still want to die, and I never expected to get better. I sure did hope I would, I hoped a hell of a lot, but in my heart I know only a miracle could save me. I've been asking for help for almost 4 years now, been to countless therapists, groups, I went to a survivor weekend not to long ago, and I'm only 21. I'm literally trying the hardest I can to get help. But nothing I do makes me feel any better.

Nobody wants to admit it to me, nobody wants to tell me I can't be helped. It's like I'm bleeding out and no one will tell me I'm gonna die, everybody's in denial. But I feel as though I'm too far gone, I can't be helped. I wish I could die, I wish I could be comforted as if I were a cancer patient. But I can't talk about dying, and if I do it's all my fault. The pain I would put my loved ones through is too much to bear I know, but my life is already too much to bear. I just wish so bad I had permission to die. This is agonizing. Everyone I talk to gives me false hope, it's almost cruel. I'm terminal and they fill my head with hope of a happy life, I know it's not gonna happen but I get my hopes up only for them to be crushed daily. I'm not afraid to die, why won't they just let me go? I just want to go. I want to be able to say goodbye and die in peace instead of leaving in the middle of the night and my parents waking up to a horror. Does this make sense? I just want a peaceful death...

Because this is torture and nothing less.

Idk if this post will be removed, but I really don't know who else to say this to. I know you guys here can understand what it's like.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#467145 - 07/02/14 04:41 AM Re: Grueling tourture. [Re: CloudyFalls]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
.


Edited by WriterKeith (07/02/14 12:08 PM)
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#467150 - 07/02/14 06:05 AM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I don't know what to do anymore. My last thread was removed because of graphic content that could be triggering. I understand the mods decision, but if I can't talk about this to someone, then I'm as good as forsaken. I'm struggling against killing myself daily, I've been in and out of the hospital twice in the past month, the last one for an attempted suicide. Nothing is helping me, I still want to die, and I never expected to get better. I sure did hope I would, I hoped a hell of a lot, but in my heart I know only a miracle could save me. I've been asking for help for almost 4 years now, been to countless therapists, groups, I went to a survivor weekend not to long ago, and I'm only 21. I'm literally trying the hardest I can to get help. But nothing I do makes me feel any better.

Nobody wants to admit it to me, nobody wants to tell me I can't be helped. It's like I'm bleeding out and no one will tell me I'm gonna die, everybody's in denial. But I feel as though I'm too far gone, I can't be helped. I wish I could die, I wish I could be comforted as if I were a cancer patient. But I can't talk about dying, and if I do it's all my fault. The pain I would put my loved ones through is too much to bear I know, but my life is already too much to bear. I just wish so bad I had permission to die. This is agonizing. Everyone I talk to gives me false hope, it's almost cruel. I'm terminal and they fill my head with hope of a happy life, I know it's not gonna happen but I get my hopes up only for them to be crushed daily. I'm not afraid to die, why won't they just let me go? I just want to go. I want to be able to say goodbye and die in peace instead of leaving in the middle of the night and my parents waking up to a horror. Does this make sense? I just want a peaceful death...

Because this is torture and nothing less.

Idk if this post will be removed, but I really don't know who else to say this to. I know you guys here can understand what it's like.


CloudyFalls, I hear your pain, i've dealt with taking drastic measures to my pain as well. And all i can say is this. It get's better. Your soul is crying. Let it grieve my friend. I hope this words of the poet rumi touch your wounds and let you see the sweetness in this box of darkness that you were given my friend.

“I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” grief answered, “and you’ve ruined my business, how can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?”
— Rumi

I will pray for you and your soul.

We are all here for you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467158 - 07/02/14 09:48 AM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
CF - i can identify with your pain. at one time i might have written something similar. i wish i could say something that would make a difference to you. but i came out the other side of the darkness - and i believe that you can, too. my heartfelt hopes and wishes and prayers are with you.
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#467165 - 07/02/14 06:29 PM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
You're 21, and you're "terminal"? What is terminal? Do you have a physical ailment that is killing you?

If not, then you are NOT terminal. You are THINKING that you are terminal. You are only 21 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many opportunities will come your way (it happens in life - opportunities always come). You have to be on the lookout for them, and in the meanwhile, while waiting for those opportunities - prepare, for when the opportunity presents itself, you are ready.

I do understand your feelings. I really do. All you have to do is read the history of my postings here. I have also posted about suicide, wondering if it would be better if I was dead.

But the FACT is - I have no idea what is in my future, and as long as I am alive, I have some hope. As long as I am alive, I will have chances to make changes, to make different decisions, and to learn how to think differently.

I hear you that you feel trapped, and you feel like it can't possibly get better. But I have to challenge you on this - are you an expert on life? What makes you "terminal"? How is it that you are at the end, when you are 21? I'm 42, and I envy you. You are dealing with this CSA bullshit much earlier than I did. Which means, that likely, by the time you're 42, you will be in a much better place than I am.

It's relative. Get some perspective, please. Remind yourself that you are not terminal. You are YOUNG. Presumably, you have the energy of a 21 year old as well.

You are depressed, and your thoughts are taking you down a dark alley. It might be possible that your frantic thinking is grasping for *anything* in order to feel some semblance of control. Identifying yourself as "terminal" is inaccurate, and I hope that you know that.

Please think about how you are choosing to think about yourself and your very young life. You really have your whole life ahead of you, and you're just getting started. SO much can (and WILL) change in the years to come. And you have some power in shaping some of that change.





Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I don't know what to do anymore. My last thread was removed because of graphic content that could be triggering. I understand the mods decision, but if I can't talk about this to someone, then I'm as good as forsaken. I'm struggling against killing myself daily, I've been in and out of the hospital twice in the past month, the last one for an attempted suicide. Nothing is helping me, I still want to die, and I never expected to get better. I sure did hope I would, I hoped a hell of a lot, but in my heart I know only a miracle could save me. I've been asking for help for almost 4 years now, been to countless therapists, groups, I went to a survivor weekend not to long ago, and I'm only 21. I'm literally trying the hardest I can to get help. But nothing I do makes me feel any better.

Nobody wants to admit it to me, nobody wants to tell me I can't be helped. It's like I'm bleeding out and no one will tell me I'm gonna die, everybody's in denial. But I feel as though I'm too far gone, I can't be helped. I wish I could die, I wish I could be comforted as if I were a cancer patient. But I can't talk about dying, and if I do it's all my fault. The pain I would put my loved ones through is too much to bear I know, but my life is already too much to bear. I just wish so bad I had permission to die. This is agonizing. Everyone I talk to gives me false hope, it's almost cruel. I'm terminal and they fill my head with hope of a happy life, I know it's not gonna happen but I get my hopes up only for them to be crushed daily. I'm not afraid to die, why won't they just let me go? I just want to go. I want to be able to say goodbye and die in peace instead of leaving in the middle of the night and my parents waking up to a horror. Does this make sense? I just want a peaceful death...

Because this is torture and nothing less.

Idk if this post will be removed, but I really don't know who else to say this to. I know you guys here can understand what it's like.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#467186 - 07/03/14 01:39 AM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi CloudyFalls,

I have to chime in with Magellan. What I remember about your age is how I only saw the world in terms of black and white. Every thing was high drama for me. It was really because the family I was born into gave me nothing to hope for. That did not mean there was nothing to hope for, it meant that I believed there was nothing to hope for. My belief was a lie, a very big fat lie.

Trauma seriously damaged me, and seriously damaged my thinking. If you stick around, you'll figure it out.

Just remember, your thinking is seriously messed up. It is not natural for you to think the way you do, and somewhere deep inside you know this. Twenty-one is very young, and you haven't developed the tools yet that you need to tackle the damage you have sustained. My experience, at 65, is that everything shows up when I need it. It's just that I frequently didn't know it at the time and so stayed pissed off for long periods. I only understood in retrospect I was in the healing process I required. It just seems that healing on the amount of damage I sustained was frequently a very painful process. And, I frequently didn't understand what was happening to me.

Sending you tons of love and support,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467216 - 07/03/14 07:27 PM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
CF I could have written something very similar many years ago. I felt that if an animal felt as I did it would be put down as an act of kindness. I still think if how I was before recovery was always going to be my life then suicide would have been a legitimate decision. I hear that you want to die now or at least that is the biggest voice in your head right now, but I believe it is as true for you as it is for me and all of us that we can get better, it can be slow and painful but it is possible.

Being able to talk about suicide in therapy openly and frankly showed me that there was always a part of me that wanted to survive even when I was unaware of it. I had to make the contract with the therapist that I would tell him if I was going to kill myself, but in my own head I had the get out clause that I could just leave therapy and then kill myself. The possibility of suicide had helped me to survive since early childhood knowing I could escape was my comfort and it allowed me to continue. It took a long time before I let go of that crutch but I don't need it now.

I think I know how you feel, we are all different but your words brought back to me exactly how I had felt for so long. I know I said this to you before but I have not felt suicidal in many years and am very grateful for the life I have now. I wouldn't be here if everything was healed, but I have a liveable life and one that I honestly did not believe possible, one that I could not even imagine when I was in the suicidal place.

I honestly am not trying to give you false hope or lie to you, I believe that you can get better and have a life for yourself that you will be glad to live. Those words would have sounded very hollow to me back when I was in that very painful place but I know them to be true now.

Wish I could take some of the pain away, and I hope you can stay safe until you get to a better place in your life.

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#467290 - 07/05/14 10:34 PM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
CloudyFalls,

I think you have been programmed to think some of those thoughts. I've been there. I know the compulsion. When you feel that way, talk it out with a person. Just tell. I think it will go away.

Then you find a therapist who knows how to deal with what you've been through. They don't all know how to deal with it. I know.

Remember...It's something you've been programmed with...that has to be dealt with in a certain way.

Maybe I could talk with you by PM. I've had a hard time trimming down my PM box so that it will admit new messages. But I'll try some more.

Puffer

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#467291 - 07/05/14 10:47 PM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Don't shut-out this access to the only people who truly know what you have been through and are going through today.

I totally dislike being online with any site (including here) regarding this stuff, but I can't allow myself to ignore brothers in the same trench.

I don't know the answer CF, but Puffer has a very good point. You HAVE to find a Trauma-strong therapist. If you want me to ask around for Ohio referrals, send me a PM and I'll have my T take a good look into finding someone.

Please don't take this as an empty statement: "you are SO not alone and so many of us know this level of pain." I cry reading your post!
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#467294 - 07/06/14 12:11 AM Re: Grueling tourture. (Trigger Warning) [Re: CloudyFalls]
Z0RN Offline


Registered: 09/14/13
Posts: 11
Loc: Canada
hey cloudyfalls,
i can relate to how your feeling, I'm also 21 and have similar thoughts as you. The thing is though, like everyone else has been saying you can get better. Whenever I'm having suicidal thoughts, i always remind myself that you probably only get one life, and have all of eternity to be dead, so why not give this life your best shot and see how things play out. I doubt things will turn around overnight, but eventually I'm hopeful we can put this shit behind us and move on..


Edited by Z0RN (07/06/14 12:39 AM)

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