don't know where to start...
lately my communication with my dad has been very little
and.. I would hardly give him eye-contact.
But I have such a hard time forgiving him... not only the
making me feel slient..and I learned to eat instead of speaking. But I developed a closer relationship with my
mom.. and .. a few days ago.. she told me.."Goran talk
to your dad,(she said this very kindly) last night I was
crying and he was crying"
So I said " let him cry".
I pushed my parents out of Winnipeg( where I live).
They sold their house.. I didn't plan it this way...
I was wanting to move to Toronto and .. well they sold
their house and I have this huge credit card debt.
And I didn't even help them pack one box.
How fuckėn nuts. .. I cant stand being near my dad.
And.... I had this mp3VoiceRecorder ,that I bought a couple
years ago and.. I misplaced it.
And I was praying and begging to God..." please God let me
find this".. wanting to record conversations with my mom.
And.. a few weeks ago....my mom came up to me at her place
"goran.. I found this in the basement,,i don't know what it
is"... I was like wow!
So for days I put it on a table in my apartment..and
I kept hearing a voice in me " C,MON GORAN! GET IT DONE!
FIGURE IT OUT! NOBODY IS GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU!
So my mom left a voice message and a couple weeks back
and I started using it.
And...my brother came in town a couple days ago to accompany
my parents to moving with him in southern Ontario ,Canada.
Last night while we were at a hotel where my parents and
my brother were staying, I decided to stay up all night and
watch Youthtelevision and Teletoon Retro.... I just felt
terrible for putting my mom through this shit..
We went to the airport ..and when I said goodbye
my mom said" I want to see you there in Toronto in end of
August"... .. I cant.
5 grand in credit card debt.
When I left the airport.. my plan was already to buy some
whipping cream and bake a pie.
Well my voices .. when I took the first bite.
voice 1: " Goran EAT IT EAT IT!... ( cousin mary)
voice 2,3 : " Goran eat that shit. eat it.".
my voice, inner shouting " WHYYYYYYYYYYYY YOU DOING THIS
"EAT IT GORAN EAT IT!"
.. I finished the whole thing.
I then turned on my mp3 voice recorder.. and .. I heard my
mom`s message from last week " go-ge this is your mom
can you come over and mow the lawn? please come over."
I started weeping and sobbing... I am at a ilbrarry got to
go it will log oiff