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#466906 - 06/22/14 11:04 PM sensing endless rage
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
My mom and I took some more brave steps at facing some pain this past week.

There’s still a lot to do, and a lot to accept.

Before going into more details, I want to say that the need for her to project some of her experience onto me can be as disturbing as it is profound.

At one point in the last year, she described her fear of my rage. She framed it in sensational terms for maximum impact. She referred to public accounts of sons against their mothers.

She is not stupid. She knows what rage is. She knows how it can be expressed. Most people do.

Her stating things in this way, was in some ways provocative. It cast me in the role of someone that had no ability to reflect and cast herself in the role of someone helpless. In doing so, she unconsciously continues the interaction that has been so confusing.

I understand for how long I have kept silent and avoided any impulse to betray the difficult and secret dynamic we have shared. I am familiar with the fear and shame that get me going. Since facing all that has happened, I have come further than that. There is more to know than this kind of despair.

Having the support from others and within myself has enabled me to speak from a place that is stronger and more authentically empowered. Last week I finally told her that she has looked to me for comfort my whole life, in ways that have kept us apart. It was just a beginning.

Would like to hear any thoughts from fellow survivors who have known what it is like living with endless rage.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#466916 - 06/23/14 10:08 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi FB,

I don't intend for my rage to be endless, but it is still with me at age 65. However, it is diminishing, but only significantly in the past few weeks. I now find myself imaging in detail my parents faces when I express my rage. It is finally becoming very personal for me.

My situation is different from yours in that I left completely my family of origin 12 years ago. They all joined forces in "it didn't happen" and I decided enough was enough for me.

As I age, my experience is the rage is increasingly toxic for me mentally and physically, and that it becomes clearer there is definitely a limit to what my body and mind can tolerate. And, fortunately, it seems that what I need shows up when I need it. Just awareness seems to be healing, IMO.

For me, there was nothing left in my family of origin that was of value to me. No emotional awareness, no ability to see me or value me, and on and on.

Every one's situation is unique. Let me just say that I know a LOT about stored and endless rage. For me, there was such terror blocking my rage, and for me, the terror was of my mother, and was of my mother's ability to wield my father as a weapon.

Sending you love and support and patience.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466918 - 06/23/14 10:41 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
hey FB
I hope that my rage is not endless, there have been times when it seemed to subside. I know now that it was always there it just frightened me so much that HAD to keep it in check, well at least I saw no other option. I literally tried to kill as a boy in my rage and it was totally blind. oddly no one saw that as a sign only as something to be beaten out of me. Oddly again that didn't help at all. I learned to swallow that rage and keep it in check I really don't know how but once I was old enough to know what I could do I couldn't risk it. I have only begun to realize the impact that my parents had on my life. outside the sexual abuse which happened elsewhere. I still rage at times but it is better and I am much more aware of it. I have even been toying with the idea of changing my signature here on the site who knows maybe the rage isn't endless after all
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#466942 - 06/24/14 08:29 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 105
I find my rage is shifting. I blamed my Dad for everything, breakig up the family, my problems, my sense of loneliness, Mama's unhappiness. I would not speak with him. Now that he has died I realize I misdirected my rage--I realize Mama was responsible for my sense of loneliness and breaking up the family. She left us and told us Dad was bad and we hurt Dad physically and emotionally. We were wrong and so was Mama. I also can see Mama's unhappiness comes from her family, her Mama's and sisters and brothers control over her. She had to going running to them and left us behind except my brother whose life was totally screwed up by being taken from his home to spend so much time in a depressing and dying place. Mama became too close to him, it was not natural and he to her. She should have rage at her family and not Dad. I have rage for Mama now and her nice on the outside but selfish and manipulating family on the inside. I need to get the rage out. I get sick thinking about it. Mama is old and I do not want to have rage when her time comes. I want to be done with it. I have rage for the priest, my teacher, who I thought loved me and like Mama he left me. I scream and cry when I talk about it. I see the priest teaching me math and then his hands are between my legs. All these pictures of Mama, her family and the priest keep running through my head. Why so many mean people. I was a kid and wanted to be loved. I cut the one person who loved me out of my life, my Dad. He never left.

I was told I will be angry until one day I accept it happened and I cannot change everything. I just wanted a normal childhood with Mama and Dad and Mama made and her selfish family made sure it did not happen. If Mama was there I would have been protected because she would have helped me with homework. the priest I guess knew I was lonely for Mama and he went right in for the kill. I see it logically it was not my fault but I keep asking why me. I know I have to stop it. Sometimes I can and other times I can't.

Like Jeff and FB I hope my rage is not endless. I know I need to tell Mama why I won't talk with her and about what the priest did to me. I am scared because she now knows of Dad's abuse as a child and she belittles it along with my brother. Will she do the same to me? I have to tell her how I feel and what happened. I am scared she will scream, deny leaving did not effect me or the abuse is my way of getting back at her. Why is everything with the abuse so hard, I did not ask for it, I don't think I did.

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#466963 - 06/24/14 10:13 PM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Dear Focused and all

My rage is endless, but thankfully it is not a conscious experience on a daily basis. Unfortunately I have recently discovered that I have directed the rage at myself for failing to achieve other's expectations.

Obviously I can not change the abuse, the violations and the betrayal. I cannot disregard incest by my older brother. I cannot disregard being instructed to undress and be naked so my mother's friend could take pictures when I was 12. Nor when I
disclosed the rape by her friend who was to look after me, she asked if it hurt being penetrated. When I answered yes, she replied then you are O K.

But I now know is that what has kept the rage alive is that I failed to me my mother's expectations. To protect her, to protect myself, to understand and sympathize adequately as she
remained an abusive marraige for almost 60 years.

It is not O K for me to hate myself because I was a child when
she wanted me to be responsible for her. So, though this is where my rage has taken me at age 65, I think I will soon leave it behind. P. S. My father raged and physically abused us kids until we were grown.

May God be with you.

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#466965 - 06/25/14 01:15 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Rage will tear a hole into everything like a rhinoceros set on the loose, if not dealt with it can turn into depression. Rage in itself is not negative, but being contaminated by that is. One feels fragmented,cut of from being a self. No boundaries, we have had a meltdown, betrayal will always be there in all abusive relationships, the dynamics are always very stage, play , performer, constellated. Step outside that state of mind, and seek peace with yourself with your soul, listen to what it has to say, stay strong and my best is with you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#466974 - 06/25/14 09:15 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: justplainme]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 105
justplainme I think you are so right rage is a horrible emotion. I am fighting it. It makes us say and do stupid things to others and ourself. I am trying to find that peace with myself. There is so much hurt and I know I let rage destroy any possible relationship I could have had with my Dad,it was stupid. I just have anger for those that stole my childhood and the priest who did horrible things to me, took my Mama when she was not needed for their own selfishness, and myself for allowing them and Mama to take Dad from me. It is hard and I am working on it. It was all abuse of a child. I will remember your words and I am trying to step outside that state of mind as you so have written.

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#466981 - 06/25/14 02:42 PM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
I will keep you in my daily prayers Son.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467066 - 06/28/14 12:01 AM Re: sensing endless rage [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Thanks for your responses.

I admire everyone's courage in writing here. Perhaps it is that strong will to share from the place of endlessness that brings some peace and solace.

Just when I think rage is no longer endless, it returns. But as some of you have said, with awareness, it loses its power to obscure what is good about the present.

It also seems true that as we discover more of what we need, the fear of it not being met can easily turn into rage. Maybe that is what feels endless, and maybe that is not all that bad. There is energy there, a need, an authentic power, and hopefully the good parts of desire, that can be shared with passion and caring. That's just my guess at this point.

Justplainme: I really appreciated your description of the dynamics: "very stage, play, performer, constellated". As a performer myself, it should be easy to see this and hopefully step out of it. Unfortunately, others seem to gravitate at times to staging the roles with me. Lately I've been taking a look at how I may be carrying some persona(s) around that invites this as well. In any case, the deep listening you speak of is so necessary and vital in order to remain aware of what might be coming.

Don64: Sounds really good that it is finally becoming personal. I think whether you are in your parents' presence or not, the image of their faces is a good challenge to work with. Besides the words that my Mom recently used in a moment that was potentially damaging, it was the expression on her face that was the most telling. She went from a frozen state to a face of deep pain that reminded me of her father. This affirmation helped me remind her that it was time to accept the pain, even as I embraced her the best I could.

Newground: I've always loved your signature quote. The image of rolling waves is what plays in my mind in the absence of the owning of strong emotions by people around me.

I never actually tried to kill anyone, but I did stick a pencil in the back of a girl in 4th grade. These days I have a better idea of where I got the idea that she wasn't listening to me.

I also killed someone in a movie. I now realize that at that moment I was also acting out and on a rage at the losses that were coming to fruition within my real family. Only recently have I allowed myself to go back there and understand that hurt. That rage will probably never go away completely. Perhaps it will always look for a white whale to destroy. The only problem is that I also tend to fall in love with the white whale and his mad, solitary roam of life's waters. Maybe that's why Ahab wants to give up the spear.

Genedebs:

Yes, it is not OK to hate yourself. That is unfortunately how my rage was manipulated by a lot of narcissistic influences in my life. There were so many times that I thought maybe just a little hatred of my self would help me improve as a person, a lover, etc. Nope. Not even a little makes sense because that hatred is a rage turned inward that frightens the boy who did not have control over forces greater than him. Better I think to get to know it for what it is: a healthy response to a sad, painful and unhealthy situation.

Sorryson:

Yes, you did not ask for the abuse. For me stepping outside (or beside) the rage is a first step to understanding and letting some of it go where it should. I hope you will find some peace in that.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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