Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
1 registered (bluesky), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63435 Topics
443442 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#466970 - 06/25/14 04:48 AM Feeling Bad.
teba Offline


Registered: 04/17/14
Posts: 12
So, lately I've been feeling really bad. I've been quite depressed and all that stuff.

On top of that, I've been thinking about some of my abuse a lot. Almost obsessively. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cut/hurt myself.

I just want to scream at them: "Fuck you, it's MY body, not yours, you DON'T own me or my body, leave me the fuck alone, go the fuck away and leave me in peace!!!"

I hate this so much. Why was I messed with?! Why couldn't they just leave me alone?!

I feel so utterly lonely, sad, depressed, neglected, ignored, irrelevant, WORTHLESS. I have nothing. Many times I just wish I had the guts to kill myself (it's OK, I definitely WON'T do it).


Edited by teba (06/25/14 04:58 AM)

Top
#466975 - 06/25/14 10:28 AM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 679
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi teba,

For me, it always helps when I vent as much as I need to. I've journaled for years, screamed, punched and kicked pillows, cursed, and on an on. Talking about this shit is the only way to get it out of my system, in my experience. I sure hope you give yourself permission to find all the healthy expressions you need to get this poison out of your system.

Of course, I hope you know you are not worthless. It is just something you came to believe because of the sick way you were treated. For me, the biggest deal was to learn to not treat myself that way. That was majorly hard for me to unlearn, to unlearn the destructiveness that got poured into me from the abuse. I'll never forget the first time I read that the only way to learn self-esteem was to esteem myself. I kind of scratched my head and thought, "What does that mean?"

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#466978 - 06/25/14 01:51 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 81
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
(((Teba)))

My wife recently found my old cassette tape journals. They were all neatly labeled and packed away in a 36" packing cube. Most of them were raw and very emotional. I believe what you are doing is normal, and healthy. Don is correct it is good to get the crap out. My first "T" was the one who first suggested I start the cassette journal. I am not sure he would approve of me dragging them around the world with me for 20 years.

Be well.

-Izzy

Top
#466993 - 06/25/14 09:02 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
Bluedogone Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 194
Loc: Southeast US
My hug to you

(((((teba)))))

I used to have a boss who said he ALWAYS felt great. That was a big load of BS. He probably lied about other things too. The simple fact is you don't always feel on top of the world or you're not always playing your best game.

I'm sorry you're at the lowest of low places right now. And I'm really sorry you're lonely, sad, depressed, neglected, ignored and irrelevant, but you're definitely not WORTHLESS. Abusers can certainly give us some negative emotions to deal with, but what they can't do is make us worthless. You are worthy, very very worthy. Sometimes it's hard not to just cry because of all the crap that has to be dealt with, but I hope you don't turn inward on yourself to the point of cutting or harming yourself.
You can do it, you CAN get over this emotional down. Hang on, bro.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

Top
#466998 - 06/25/14 11:08 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: teba
I just want to scream at them: "Fuck you, it's MY body, not yours, you DON'T own me or my body, leave me the fuck alone, go the fuck away and leave me in peace!!!"

teba,

Do it! Scream, yell, get it out. You have EVERY reason to feel angry, and EVERY right to express it.

Originally Posted By: teba
I feel so utterly lonely, sad, depressed, neglected, ignored, irrelevant, WORTHLESS. I have nothing. Many times I just wish I had the guts to kill myself (it's OK, I definitely WON'T do it).

It may be small comfort, but most of us know these feelings very well. These are the remnants of the acts of our abusers. Kind of like the dirty ring left in the bathtub, after a long overdue bath. But these feelings are not facts, and you are none of those things. You didn't deserve what was done to you then, and you don't deserve to be neglected, ignored, or feel worthless now.

Keep posting about what you are dealing with. Keep you head up and we'll always be here to help keep you afloat.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
#467005 - 06/26/14 03:03 AM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
Teba,
I'm sorry it's so rough right now. The way you descrim havingbed it, I can totally relate. I'm having a sort of ok day. Been better, been worse.

I used to hurt myself. It was hard to stop, but but hurting myself never helped. Try top resist , and just post here with whatever you're going through. You can beat this.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

Top
#467025 - 06/26/14 05:09 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 288
Originally Posted By: teba
So, lately I've been feeling really bad. I've been quite depressed and all that stuff.

On top of that, I've been thinking about some of my abuse a lot. Almost obsessively. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cut/hurt myself.

I just want to scream at them: "Fuck you, it's MY body, not yours, you DON'T own me or my body, leave me the fuck alone, go the fuck away and leave me in peace!!!"

I hate this so much. Why was I messed with?! Why couldn't they just leave me alone?!

I feel so utterly lonely, sad, depressed, neglected, ignored, irrelevant, WORTHLESS. I have nothing. Many times I just wish I had the guts to kill myself (it's OK, I definitely WON'T do it).


I know what your going through pal, we are here for you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467111 - 06/30/14 06:45 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
teba Offline


Registered: 04/17/14
Posts: 12
Hey guys,

I'm really sorry for the late reply. My ADHD makes it difficult for me to focus and be aware of the things I have to do and remember them.

Thank you all very, very, very much for your words. I appreciate them so much.

Yes, lately I've been at one of my lowest points. On top of thinking almost obsessively about what happened to me, I've been having horrible, horrible nightmares, I've been very depressed for weeks now, a few days ago, my very best friend ever, the most important person in my life, whom I loved greatly and very deeply and to whom I gave absolutely EVERYTHING ended our friendship for good (it was an online friendship), and now I've been dealing with online harassment, verbal abuse and bullying.

Seems like I just can't catch a fucking break.

I'm a complete mess and a wreck.

PLEASE, PLEASE keep talking to me, guys. I desperately need things like your words.

Thank you very much and lots of hugs to everyone.

Good luck.

Top
#467113 - 06/30/14 09:57 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 288
Remember the most important person in your life should be you Teba, i'm sorry about your friendship ending. I've been in situations like that where you have to let go, it's hard. Don't internalize things, people change,ignore the bullies, for it is only the strong who are gentle, defend yourself because you are valuable and matter.
About the nightmares, they always seem to be a sort of wake up call for me. About something i'm ignoring. Dreams have always been very significant in my life, and their quality reflect my inner state.
About low points, hey peaks and valley's right? Life is about that. I've been in some pretty rough spots myself, so if you need to get things of your heart just share with us. We are your friends too buddy!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467116 - 06/30/14 11:46 PM Re: Feeling Bad. [Re: teba]
sadclown Offline


Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
Though I am rather new to the process of handling it, and indeed am in the shittier part rather than the not-as-shitty part, one thing I try to bear in mind is that I have yet to have a bad mood last forever. They last a good long while, speaking for myself, and I admit I don't usually handle them as well as I should, but they do end.

Self-harm and other destructive behaviors, however, will not just make you feel worse, it will leave you with a new set of problems and we can all agree you have plenty right now so there is no need to add to your burden.

Its going to feel terrible, because these emotions are the result of terrible things. But in time, this storm will pass- they always do.

Keep your head up and don't pull any stops with a non-harmful coping method. Whether its writing, socializing (if you can), music, shouting, breaking things (cheap things and in a safe manner), or watching stupid movies until your eyes bleed. Whatever works for you- find it and do it. Eventually this wave of suck will pass. They always do
_________________________
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.