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#466932 - 06/23/14 08:33 PM The Circle of Life
sadclown Offline

Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

Or, rather, ten years ago in a small town in the Northeast USA, a 12 year old boy was being beaten, insulted, ridiculed, encouraged to fail, punished for success, put to work as the family servant, and being used for sex. This was my role in the world.

Eight years before that, my elder cousin was being beaten, insulted, ridiculed, encouraged to fail, punished for success, put to work as the family servant, and being used for sex.

I don't know what happened before that, but I have no reason to doubt it was very much the same. Somewhere, someone lost the plot and began terrorizing their family, luring in unsuspecting women to marry, and picking one kid out to blame, beat, and use for sex. One kid got told he was the reason everything went awry and got shown his only purpose was to serve everyone's needs and desires, including the perverted sexual appetites of gross old men.

This isn't my story; it never was. This is a much bigger system of which I was the last toy of one pedophile. That family remains. The system never went anywhere, it had one nefarious cog neutralized at the end of his life. I would have been his last boy anyway- my disclosure ultimately was for naught, sparing no one and only causing me shame, ostracization, and dishonor. My cousins were abused, like our aunts and uncles before us, and like them, my cousins have had children. There is no reason to think the same fate doesn't lay for them. So much dysfunction means even if they don't learn that sex is gross and hurts, they will likely learn that one of y'all is gonna eat the shit because that is what is on the menu. One of you gets to go hungry because you're so unruly, but watches their siblings eat cake....

One of those kids is gonna be denied any kind of toy or fun, but will be forced to ensure his brother has "help" learning to use the device you want to. One kid will be denied any birthday presents but forced to skip school so you can accompany his sibling on a giant $400 shopping spree for his birthday 3 weeks later, a trip where you get nothing and it goes on so long the other kid actually gets bored with getting toys.

One of those kids will be told he deserves no "hand-outs" and will get a job and bust his ass to buy something nice, expensive and special to him, only to have it stolen because "Fuck you. That's why. You don't deserve it." When he says that he bought it with his own money, he will be told that it is not the thief's problem and if he wants to play that game, he can pay for all the food he has eaten over the years.

One kid will be called a thief for eating, and reminded of how much of a liability it is to feed him. One kid will be forbidden meals and furtively eat frozen food from the basement freezer, rock hard, while his family eats a hot meal upstairs. He might grow up to be a man who will go a day or two before remembering to eat...

Of my family, I am the only one who escaped. All the others stayed, even my scapegoat predecessor. The guy who took the beatings and rapings before and his advice to me was simply, "Just cry. They only want you to cry; the sooner you do the sooner it will be over." Advice I never took. I'm no bitch. I'm too stubborn; you may kill me but you'll NEVER break me. Do your goddamn worst; I'm already dead on the inside- you can't hurt me further.

They remain and will certainly abuse the next poor son of a bitch who takes Matt's and my place. The vacancy must be filled for the dysfunction to continue. I'll never know that kid, but I will always feel for him. Indeed I feel a duty to return just so I can protect him, but my priority is building a life for me and creating a healthier family. Like my family members before me, I am throwing him to the wolves. Sorry, kiddo. I hope you realize and escape. Someone has to lose in this fucked up game you were born into and it's gonna be you. Not your fault, but it doesn't change anything. Good luck, your 18th birthday is sooner than you realize.

I have two selves- the logical self, where I understand everything and can process it. And the core self where I do what I was told. Where I hate myself for causing every dispute and indeed, it is surely my fault that there is a famine in Africa. If I were just a better person, those Africans would have rain and food. I can't be loved because I am inherently bad. Even my friends I feel tolerate me, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. I am a scoundrel for abandoning my family and deserve to suffer for not staying loyal and keeping the secrets. If I just kept my goddamn stupid mouth shut, everything would work. Fuck, you should have been an abortion. You're the poster child for birth control. If you had a backbone things would be better, but you're just a little fairy who cries over nothing. You deserve it all, own up to it. Man up or you'll go to school in a dress like the fag you are.

I can't not feel broken; damaged, different, and just inherently wrong. I, therefore, could never dream of a family because I would corrupt anything good just because of the evil I have been exposed to.

At my core, I am angry with myself for daring to be hurt by the experiences. I don't deserve to be upset because if I just did/was/tried whatever, I wouldn't have brought it all on myself. I know this isn't the case, but damn if that isn't the tape that plays in my head. "Stop fussing. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. If you act like that, what else should happen? Stop blaming others."

Across the country, there is a kid, probably already born, who is going to fill my old shoes and in my cowardice I fled far, far away and can't dream of returning. I want a life for myself, but to expose anyone to me is a betrayal in that they now know the evil of my scars. If I take a life of my own, I throw that poor kid to the wolves and I am just like the family I ran from. No better, just as selfish. If I go back, I am once again ignoring myself for others.

I can't win this game, because there is no winning. The cycle continues and my confession has meant nothing.
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

#466936 - 06/23/14 10:58 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
This is something that comes inherently with sexual abuse sad clown, I'm sure you're past is every centimeter as repulsive emotionally as you confess it to be, but don't mistake what happened to you for who you are. Recovery is slow progress, how slow? i mean geological rock formation slow, that is the rate at which the soul heals, you are on a journey sad clown, some parts you will travel alone, some with your brothers.
If you feel rotten, broken,fragmented,infected, un-human well just these are just symptoms of the curse you received, you need blessings in your life now to make up for the long list of hexes that have been put on your soul, there is a golden bridge to cross, a threshold of emotion of the soul, of the body, to heal the mind. I don't know how to put it, but you must keep going through this hell. It is the only way. I will keep you in my prayers daily now.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#466937 - 06/23/14 11:02 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Betrayal is always someone trying to rob you of your natural birth given gifts by the spirits of the universe, someone who did not get their blessing wanted what you had and stole it, someone saw your childhood beauty and decided that since that they did not receive theirs they would defile yours with a curse. Reminds yourself that every curse that has been placed on you is a blessing you had that someone wanted for themselves, it is time for all of us to heal and bestow those blessings back unto ourselves, the curses have dominated our lives enough through blindness, amnesia,denial,regression,acting in self destructive behaviors, you have my blessings!

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#466940 - 06/24/14 04:18 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you love and support, Sadclown. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#466967 - 06/25/14 01:26 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sadclown Offline

Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58

It's kinda tearing me up to consider there is another on deck or already taking his licks.

I plan on bringing it up in therapy next time I am there. Hopefully he can lend some insight or.... I don't know
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

#466969 - 06/25/14 02:30 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
No shame in remembering who you want to be, that's what we are all here for to remind you.

Edited by justplainme (06/25/14 02:30 AM)

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#466989 - 06/25/14 07:23 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
Rustam Offline

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
I relate to the every bad thing is my fault, that I am inherently 'wrong' 'bad' 'rotten in my core'. It is the grotesque grandiosity of the child who had to believe that he caused all the bad things that happened to him. The flip side of that child grandiosity is that; as I cause so much bad to happen it is my responsibility to fix it all, the truth is we didn't cause it and cannot fix it. Both sides the self-blame and the I have to fix everything and every one are the over-responsibility of the child mind, well in me they are anyway.

You are probably right that the abuse will continue and that is truly horrible to think, but it is not your fault or responsibility only the abusers are responsible. You cannot fix it all, no one can. For now you are healing the family dysfunction in yourself and that is a monumental task. When you get to a point that you can deal with your family without getting hurt again you can choose what is realistic or possible for you to do about other children. Those of us who escape are not responsible for fixing the whole rotten system, its just not possible.

In my own case I couldn't do much except report my dad to social services over twenty years ago and tell my siblings what happened. I did not achieve anything that I know of except to confirm my scapegoat status in the family and get excluded. I know of incest in two generations of my family and it is probably as dysfunctional as ever but in my case much as I wish I could have done more and still can feel that I failed to fix it all, the only family dysfunction I can really heal is my own.

Such is my pennies worth.
Take care and keep up the good work.

#467000 - 06/25/14 11:41 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1596
Loc: New England

You have expressed what was done to you very clearly, and with painfully powerful emotions. You've been traumatized on every level possible, and you still have the strength to seperate yourself from those monsters and pursue recovery and healing for yourself. That is amazing to me. You win the "balls of steel" award.

That so called "family" should have no further place in your life. You are no scoundrel for seperating yourself from them,nor are you selfish. You are the hero of your own life. You have every right to save yourself.

I understand your feelings about those who may take your place as the "family" scapegoat/sex toy. Someday there may be something you can do to help him/them. But you cannot help anyone else until you first help yourself.

Keep doing just what you are doing. Therapy, posting, reading, listening. Its slow and difficult work to do, but it will get better. And every step you make in reclaiming your life is like a kick in the teeth of your abusers. The evil that you were exposed to has deeply wounded you, but has not broken you. It has not made you evil, so don't give up on your dreams.

They wrote the first chapter of your life, but you get to write the rest.

Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

#467304 - 07/06/14 07:14 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: Rustam]
sorryson Offline

Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 101
Rustam I read your post and it hit home for me. My sister who has dealt with the issues of a dysfunctional family has told me what you have said I can only heal my dysfunction in the family. I guess I want it all to be perfect. Grandma and my aunts and uncles lived a dysfunctional life. They used Mama, which my sister says to use is to abuse for their own emotional or selfish reasons. They forgot us children and Dad. They always said they had a perfect life, I now believe they are lying to themselves. They would hurt grandpa and my Dad and I would think it was of ok. Grandma, quiet and kind, controlled the children with guilt. That made it easy for her and my aunts and uncles to make Mama feel guilty to leave us to take care of Grandma. Guilt is so controlling. I thought I could fix Mama so she would put us before Grandma and her sisters and brothers. I guess I cannot that guilt from grandma and her sisters and brothers is so embedded in her. She gave up Dad, but we all blamed Dad. Now I know he had no choice, we treated him like sh*t because Mama wanted us to love her more after she left us for months and months and then felt left out. It could have killed Dad especially after I learned he was also sexually abused as a child. He has the demons I have and I understand how debilitating they can be. He found love with a wonderful woman and family. His own family was so dysfunctional because of Mama and her family. I would love them to say they are dysfunctional and not say everyone else is or others are stupid or crazy. They are the ones ying to thems selves to hide their own weaknesses and insecurities. It did not take five people to take care of Grandma, they made it a mission so all would know.

I guess what is done is done. I need to look at myself and say I cannot change them, the dysfunction is theirs. I only worry for my poor brother,he is caught in the clutches of Mama's dysfunction. Sad how families can be so loving but so destructive becaue they believe love only comes from children sacrificing their lives for them. My wife's family is wonderful, her family will not tolerate anyone giving up their children or spouse to take care of them. They balance it out, one at a time, not makiing everyone surround the sick day in and day out. That is love.

I will focus on my dysfuntion and the hurt it caused me. I cannot worry about everyone else. My sister is right, to use is to abuse. They abused Mama and I must accept it, it was emotional abuse through guilt and selfishness.

Your post really helped to put things in order. Many have told me this, but seeing it in writing went a long way. thank you for helping me.

#467408 - 07/08/14 09:15 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1780
This topic of being dysfunctional hits home. I understand the pain it can cause.

Sorryson, I understand your pain and challenges. It seems like you are feeling better and tackling your past head-on. It takes courage and I am proud of you. You have much to deal with from your father’s death, your years of not being in his life, your mother and brother’s need to control and denigrate your father after all these years, the dysfunction in your family, learning you father was a victim of CSA and your own CSA. I see a brave person who can face these challenges. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system with your wife and your sister who has dealt with her own issues and the issues in the family. I am happy you have them in your life.

Recently I attended a workshop for about families with dysfunction and denial. I am amazed the number of programs, seminars and lectures that deal with many of the issues we all face but for some reason they have alluded me until my friend who is the profession shared what is available. I gather the medical community is aware of many of these programs. It was informative, emotionally draining and put many aspects of my life into perspective. It opened up with the panel, 2 psychiatrists, family counselor and trauma specialist. They asked a question, how many of you are from dysfunctional families. About 40% of the room raised their hands including myself and my friend. Followed up with who is not from a dysfunctional family, about 40% of the room raised their hands and were asked to stand up. He then asked who is from a perfect family, about 10% raised their hands and were asked to stand. He asked those who had not raised their hands why they did not fit into any of these groups—fear or they did not know were the responses. He said those standing ask yourself did you live in a family where guilt was used to control your life, parental or siblings came first in your relationships, marriage or friendships which negatively impacted your relationships or ability to sustain friends, did you feel unloved or not important in your family, were you emotionally or physically abused and so on. He said if you can answer yes to any of these questions, please sit down. By the end there were only 4 people standing. There were close to 50 people in the group. He then asked, how many of you think the Khardashian family is dysfunctional. Every hand in the room went up. He said they may be but they do something very healthy, they do not hold back their emotions or feelings, they are honest. They also can forgive and move-on. How many of you or your families can do this? I felt I was not alone, we all have dysfunction in our families.

The workshop continued and topics were discussed. Sorryson it seems our situations are not so uncommon. You and I share similar issues from CSA to living with maternal absences, you as the child and I as the spouse. Several people also spoke of the issue of caring for elderly parents when they have families of their own and the turmoil it has caused in their families.

The panelist discussed this issue at length. It is a growing issue in families today. Families no longer live in tight knitted communities or villages. Children are living in different parts of the country or world. For some parents the expectations have not changed with the changes in society. Many parents still hold the belief the love of their children is measured by how much they will sacrifice their lives for them when they are old. The children have been groomed with this guilt. When the time comes the children harbor all sorts of emotions, from resentment of why me or why my mother or father, to expecting siblings who may live far away to equally share in the burden to selfishness. It is important for families to discuss and prioritize. Siblings with young children and not living nearby should first consider the impact the separation will have on their children. Bringing a child on an on-going basis to the place of the illness will isolate the child from peers, places the child in a grown up position he/she is not able to understand or handle. In families with more than their share of dysfunction the needs of the children are placed behind the other adults including the adult children who are to provide care. He joked it does not take a village to care for an elderly parent, but it does take a village to raise a child.

The panel spoke of one woman who had her son with her. She stood up and told her story. It is similar to ours, she was from a large family of seven children and was the only one who lived far from the family. The sisters expected her to give up her family to share in the burden of caring for their mother. She had five children. This woman said her children were young at the time. She felt guilt and began spending time caring for the mother while her sisters went to work, to their children’s ball games and activities and home to their husbands or boyfriends. She said the brothers were useless but one sister-in-law was the best. The woman told over time the stays became longer and longer. She started to take her two youngest sons with her. They missed school and their activities. The children were with her morning noon and night while she cared for her mother. They only socialized with her and the other adults. Her two children began to act out, becoming mean, talking back and acting like they were the grown up. They heard all the talk which was not child appropriate.

The mother passed away and she returned home. She was depressed, slept all the time and wanted to be the center of the home as she once was. She resented her husband for pushing her to the side, but now realizes it was her choices that caused the changes. The two youngest children began to control the house. They attacked the father and she admitted she would join in and eventually all the children followed. The husband nearly had a breakdown and disappeared for a few weeks. He was found living on the streets and was hospitalized. She said they were not kind to him and the attacks continued. The husband lost his business and filed for bankruptcy. She said he was a lost soul letting “evil” control his actions and activities outside the home. She now realizes it was not the person he truly is, they had broken him. They divorced and she expected him to support the family including the over 18 year old children who abused him. He refused based on advice from his doctors not to support those that attack because it only enables them to further destroy. She said her ex is doing well, rebuilt his business and has found a lovely woman. She said she was jealous. She said she went into therapy over a year ago after an anxiety disorder. She now realized she had her priorities wrong and crossed parental child boundaries. I liked her line, misery loves company and that is what her family was all about. I had spoken of my experiences in the breakout sessions and several of the panelist commented what was done was beyond dysfunctional. They spoke to me with my friend who has worked with them after about the trauma of CSA, the dissociation and fugues. They validated everything I was told by my doctors and doctors at the hospitals I was hospitalized.

She had one of her two sons who she took with her. She said one is in denial. The one there spoke and said he had not been on a date or to a movie, dance or party and was 29 years old. He still lived with his mother. He is in therapy and knows he needs to break the co-dependent relationship. He said it is hard because he thought he had to be his mother’s protector or she would leave again. I felt sad for him because I could see fear in his eyes, he was scared and expressed regrets for what he did to his father. He said he was too ashamed to tell of what he and his brother did to the father. At least he is getting help.

There were many other stories from emotional to physical abuse, adults never feeling loved by the parent, adults dealing with abandonment issues as a child, guilt controlling their lives, adults who have never had a relationship other than with their parents, families that do not speak and so much more. Clearly, in most situations parental and child emotional and/or physical boundaries were crossed. The panelist spoke ever family has a level of being dysfunctional because there is no such thing as the perfect parent, the perfect child, the perfect family or perfect person. It is the illusion that can be destructive. They also reminded us any body that uses is abusing. It can be using people to satisfy their own emotional, physical, personal or psychological needs to using drugs and alcohol to cope and this is self-abuse. The underlying problem needs to be resolved and not brushed under the rug. If families speak and listen and issues not denied families can become functional. But most bury their feelings, especially ones that hurt them, for they are conditioned to believe everything is done out of love.

I left feeling I can only accept my part of the dysfunctional aspects of my family and I cannot change or help those who continue to deny the dysfunctional nature of their relationships, only they can make the change and seek help and growth.

I better understand what happened and also feel sorry for the child who is an adult, the mother or father, who is placed in this situation by their parents and siblings. I feel most sorry for the young children who are caught in the middle. They should not be subject to leaving their home to care for elderly or sick relatives nor should the other children be left behind. I hope your brother finds help as I do for those in my family.

I am thankful for my friend, because I know she had me attend to help me see something that has bothered me. I have guilt that I was solely responsible for what was done to me. I now understand it was the result of a dysfunctional environment and selfishness of others. The children were those who will suffer a lifetime until they face their own emotions and voids. Sorryson, you and your sister have taken great strides forward to a better life.

It is important focus on ourselves and not the others. Healing is an emotional process of many ups and downs. We do not need the drama and denial of others of what we have lived. You need to be with those who support you, give you comfort and make you feel safe. I am rooting for you sorryson—because I know your father loved you, as I do my children, despite what happened. For all of us, we need to remember we were a child when the CSA happened and we were a child when you were caught in the emotional and psychological tug of war by adults who only had their interest at heart. As a child we are not responsible for what the adults did to us.

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