Newest Members
garyPGH, Z63, Momiji, ja16, winter-rain
12660 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (62), Carlos418 (38), courtney (53), kurotake (56), lostsoul (64), Lukesgirl (29), michael banks (2015), Steffon (43)
Who's Online
4 registered (AlexBoyd, Obi, Shyshark, 1 invisible), 22 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12660 Members
74 Forums
65032 Topics
454838 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#466932 - 06/23/14 08:33 PM The Circle of Life
sadclown Offline


Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

Or, rather, ten years ago in a small town in the Northeast USA, a 12 year old boy was being beaten, insulted, ridiculed, encouraged to fail, punished for success, put to work as the family servant, and being used for sex. This was my role in the world.

Eight years before that, my elder cousin was being beaten, insulted, ridiculed, encouraged to fail, punished for success, put to work as the family servant, and being used for sex.

I don't know what happened before that, but I have no reason to doubt it was very much the same. Somewhere, someone lost the plot and began terrorizing their family, luring in unsuspecting women to marry, and picking one kid out to blame, beat, and use for sex. One kid got told he was the reason everything went awry and got shown his only purpose was to serve everyone's needs and desires, including the perverted sexual appetites of gross old men.

This isn't my story; it never was. This is a much bigger system of which I was the last toy of one pedophile. That family remains. The system never went anywhere, it had one nefarious cog neutralized at the end of his life. I would have been his last boy anyway- my disclosure ultimately was for naught, sparing no one and only causing me shame, ostracization, and dishonor. My cousins were abused, like our aunts and uncles before us, and like them, my cousins have had children. There is no reason to think the same fate doesn't lay for them. So much dysfunction means even if they don't learn that sex is gross and hurts, they will likely learn that one of y'all is gonna eat the shit because that is what is on the menu. One of you gets to go hungry because you're so unruly, but watches their siblings eat cake....

One of those kids is gonna be denied any kind of toy or fun, but will be forced to ensure his brother has "help" learning to use the device you want to. One kid will be denied any birthday presents but forced to skip school so you can accompany his sibling on a giant $400 shopping spree for his birthday 3 weeks later, a trip where you get nothing and it goes on so long the other kid actually gets bored with getting toys.

One of those kids will be told he deserves no "hand-outs" and will get a job and bust his ass to buy something nice, expensive and special to him, only to have it stolen because "Fuck you. That's why. You don't deserve it." When he says that he bought it with his own money, he will be told that it is not the thief's problem and if he wants to play that game, he can pay for all the food he has eaten over the years.

One kid will be called a thief for eating, and reminded of how much of a liability it is to feed him. One kid will be forbidden meals and furtively eat frozen food from the basement freezer, rock hard, while his family eats a hot meal upstairs. He might grow up to be a man who will go a day or two before remembering to eat...

Of my family, I am the only one who escaped. All the others stayed, even my scapegoat predecessor. The guy who took the beatings and rapings before and his advice to me was simply, "Just cry. They only want you to cry; the sooner you do the sooner it will be over." Advice I never took. I'm no bitch. I'm too stubborn; you may kill me but you'll NEVER break me. Do your goddamn worst; I'm already dead on the inside- you can't hurt me further.

They remain and will certainly abuse the next poor son of a bitch who takes Matt's and my place. The vacancy must be filled for the dysfunction to continue. I'll never know that kid, but I will always feel for him. Indeed I feel a duty to return just so I can protect him, but my priority is building a life for me and creating a healthier family. Like my family members before me, I am throwing him to the wolves. Sorry, kiddo. I hope you realize and escape. Someone has to lose in this fucked up game you were born into and it's gonna be you. Not your fault, but it doesn't change anything. Good luck, your 18th birthday is sooner than you realize.

I have two selves- the logical self, where I understand everything and can process it. And the core self where I do what I was told. Where I hate myself for causing every dispute and indeed, it is surely my fault that there is a famine in Africa. If I were just a better person, those Africans would have rain and food. I can't be loved because I am inherently bad. Even my friends I feel tolerate me, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. I am a scoundrel for abandoning my family and deserve to suffer for not staying loyal and keeping the secrets. If I just kept my goddamn stupid mouth shut, everything would work. Fuck, you should have been an abortion. You're the poster child for birth control. If you had a backbone things would be better, but you're just a little fairy who cries over nothing. You deserve it all, own up to it. Man up or you'll go to school in a dress like the fag you are.

I can't not feel broken; damaged, different, and just inherently wrong. I, therefore, could never dream of a family because I would corrupt anything good just because of the evil I have been exposed to.

At my core, I am angry with myself for daring to be hurt by the experiences. I don't deserve to be upset because if I just did/was/tried whatever, I wouldn't have brought it all on myself. I know this isn't the case, but damn if that isn't the tape that plays in my head. "Stop fussing. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. If you act like that, what else should happen? Stop blaming others."

Across the country, there is a kid, probably already born, who is going to fill my old shoes and in my cowardice I fled far, far away and can't dream of returning. I want a life for myself, but to expose anyone to me is a betrayal in that they now know the evil of my scars. If I take a life of my own, I throw that poor kid to the wolves and I am just like the family I ran from. No better, just as selfish. If I go back, I am once again ignoring myself for others.

I can't win this game, because there is no winning. The cycle continues and my confession has meant nothing.
_________________________
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

Top
#466936 - 06/23/14 10:58 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 352
This is something that comes inherently with sexual abuse sad clown, I'm sure you're past is every centimeter as repulsive emotionally as you confess it to be, but don't mistake what happened to you for who you are. Recovery is slow progress, how slow? i mean geological rock formation slow, that is the rate at which the soul heals, you are on a journey sad clown, some parts you will travel alone, some with your brothers.
If you feel rotten, broken,fragmented,infected, un-human well just these are just symptoms of the curse you received, you need blessings in your life now to make up for the long list of hexes that have been put on your soul, there is a golden bridge to cross, a threshold of emotion of the soul, of the body, to heal the mind. I don't know how to put it, but you must keep going through this hell. It is the only way. I will keep you in my prayers daily now.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#466937 - 06/23/14 11:02 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 352
Betrayal is always someone trying to rob you of your natural birth given gifts by the spirits of the universe, someone who did not get their blessing wanted what you had and stole it, someone saw your childhood beauty and decided that since that they did not receive theirs they would defile yours with a curse. Reminds yourself that every curse that has been placed on you is a blessing you had that someone wanted for themselves, it is time for all of us to heal and bestow those blessings back unto ourselves, the curses have dominated our lives enough through blindness, amnesia,denial,regression,acting in self destructive behaviors, you have my blessings!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#466940 - 06/24/14 04:18 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 936
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you love and support, Sadclown. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#466967 - 06/25/14 01:26 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sadclown Offline


Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
Thanks....

It's kinda tearing me up to consider there is another on deck or already taking his licks.

I plan on bringing it up in therapy next time I am there. Hopefully he can lend some insight or.... I don't know
_________________________
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

Top
#466969 - 06/25/14 02:30 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 352
No shame in remembering who you want to be, that's what we are all here for to remind you.


Edited by justplainme (06/25/14 02:30 AM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#466989 - 06/25/14 07:23 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
I relate to the every bad thing is my fault, that I am inherently 'wrong' 'bad' 'rotten in my core'. It is the grotesque grandiosity of the child who had to believe that he caused all the bad things that happened to him. The flip side of that child grandiosity is that; as I cause so much bad to happen it is my responsibility to fix it all, the truth is we didn't cause it and cannot fix it. Both sides the self-blame and the I have to fix everything and every one are the over-responsibility of the child mind, well in me they are anyway.

You are probably right that the abuse will continue and that is truly horrible to think, but it is not your fault or responsibility only the abusers are responsible. You cannot fix it all, no one can. For now you are healing the family dysfunction in yourself and that is a monumental task. When you get to a point that you can deal with your family without getting hurt again you can choose what is realistic or possible for you to do about other children. Those of us who escape are not responsible for fixing the whole rotten system, its just not possible.

In my own case I couldn't do much except report my dad to social services over twenty years ago and tell my siblings what happened. I did not achieve anything that I know of except to confirm my scapegoat status in the family and get excluded. I know of incest in two generations of my family and it is probably as dysfunctional as ever but in my case much as I wish I could have done more and still can feel that I failed to fix it all, the only family dysfunction I can really heal is my own.

Such is my pennies worth.
Take care and keep up the good work.

Top
#467000 - 06/25/14 11:41 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1601
Loc: New England
sadclown,

You have expressed what was done to you very clearly, and with painfully powerful emotions. You've been traumatized on every level possible, and you still have the strength to seperate yourself from those monsters and pursue recovery and healing for yourself. That is amazing to me. You win the "balls of steel" award.

That so called "family" should have no further place in your life. You are no scoundrel for seperating yourself from them,nor are you selfish. You are the hero of your own life. You have every right to save yourself.

I understand your feelings about those who may take your place as the "family" scapegoat/sex toy. Someday there may be something you can do to help him/them. But you cannot help anyone else until you first help yourself.

Keep doing just what you are doing. Therapy, posting, reading, listening. Its slow and difficult work to do, but it will get better. And every step you make in reclaiming your life is like a kick in the teeth of your abusers. The evil that you were exposed to has deeply wounded you, but has not broken you. It has not made you evil, so don't give up on your dreams.

They wrote the first chapter of your life, but you get to write the rest.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#467304 - 07/06/14 07:14 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: Rustam]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
Rustam I read your post and it hit home for me. My sister who has dealt with the issues of a dysfunctional family has told me what you have said I can only heal my dysfunction in the family. I guess I want it all to be perfect. Grandma and my aunts and uncles lived a dysfunctional life. They used Mama, which my sister says to use is to abuse for their own emotional or selfish reasons. They forgot us children and Dad. They always said they had a perfect life, I now believe they are lying to themselves. They would hurt grandpa and my Dad and I would think it was of ok. Grandma, quiet and kind, controlled the children with guilt. That made it easy for her and my aunts and uncles to make Mama feel guilty to leave us to take care of Grandma. Guilt is so controlling. I thought I could fix Mama so she would put us before Grandma and her sisters and brothers. I guess I cannot that guilt from grandma and her sisters and brothers is so embedded in her. She gave up Dad, but we all blamed Dad. Now I know he had no choice, we treated him like sh*t because Mama wanted us to love her more after she left us for months and months and then felt left out. It could have killed Dad especially after I learned he was also sexually abused as a child. He has the demons I have and I understand how debilitating they can be. He found love with a wonderful woman and family. His own family was so dysfunctional because of Mama and her family. I would love them to say they are dysfunctional and not say everyone else is or others are stupid or crazy. They are the ones ying to thems selves to hide their own weaknesses and insecurities. It did not take five people to take care of Grandma, they made it a mission so all would know.

I guess what is done is done. I need to look at myself and say I cannot change them, the dysfunction is theirs. I only worry for my poor brother,he is caught in the clutches of Mama's dysfunction. Sad how families can be so loving but so destructive becaue they believe love only comes from children sacrificing their lives for them. My wife's family is wonderful, her family will not tolerate anyone giving up their children or spouse to take care of them. They balance it out, one at a time, not makiing everyone surround the sick day in and day out. That is love.


I will focus on my dysfuntion and the hurt it caused me. I cannot worry about everyone else. My sister is right, to use is to abuse. They abused Mama and I must accept it, it was emotional abuse through guilt and selfishness.

Your post really helped to put things in order. Many have told me this, but seeing it in writing went a long way. thank you for helping me.

Top
#467408 - 07/08/14 09:15 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
This topic of being dysfunctional hits home. I understand the pain it can cause.

Sorryson, I understand your pain and challenges. It seems like you are feeling better and tackling your past head-on. It takes courage and I am proud of you. You have much to deal with from your father’s death, your years of not being in his life, your mother and brother’s need to control and denigrate your father after all these years, the dysfunction in your family, learning you father was a victim of CSA and your own CSA. I see a brave person who can face these challenges. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system with your wife and your sister who has dealt with her own issues and the issues in the family. I am happy you have them in your life.

Recently I attended a workshop for about families with dysfunction and denial. I am amazed the number of programs, seminars and lectures that deal with many of the issues we all face but for some reason they have alluded me until my friend who is the profession shared what is available. I gather the medical community is aware of many of these programs. It was informative, emotionally draining and put many aspects of my life into perspective. It opened up with the panel, 2 psychiatrists, family counselor and trauma specialist. They asked a question, how many of you are from dysfunctional families. About 40% of the room raised their hands including myself and my friend. Followed up with who is not from a dysfunctional family, about 40% of the room raised their hands and were asked to stand up. He then asked who is from a perfect family, about 10% raised their hands and were asked to stand. He asked those who had not raised their hands why they did not fit into any of these groups—fear or they did not know were the responses. He said those standing ask yourself did you live in a family where guilt was used to control your life, parental or siblings came first in your relationships, marriage or friendships which negatively impacted your relationships or ability to sustain friends, did you feel unloved or not important in your family, were you emotionally or physically abused and so on. He said if you can answer yes to any of these questions, please sit down. By the end there were only 4 people standing. There were close to 50 people in the group. He then asked, how many of you think the Khardashian family is dysfunctional. Every hand in the room went up. He said they may be but they do something very healthy, they do not hold back their emotions or feelings, they are honest. They also can forgive and move-on. How many of you or your families can do this? I felt I was not alone, we all have dysfunction in our families.

The workshop continued and topics were discussed. Sorryson it seems our situations are not so uncommon. You and I share similar issues from CSA to living with maternal absences, you as the child and I as the spouse. Several people also spoke of the issue of caring for elderly parents when they have families of their own and the turmoil it has caused in their families.

The panelist discussed this issue at length. It is a growing issue in families today. Families no longer live in tight knitted communities or villages. Children are living in different parts of the country or world. For some parents the expectations have not changed with the changes in society. Many parents still hold the belief the love of their children is measured by how much they will sacrifice their lives for them when they are old. The children have been groomed with this guilt. When the time comes the children harbor all sorts of emotions, from resentment of why me or why my mother or father, to expecting siblings who may live far away to equally share in the burden to selfishness. It is important for families to discuss and prioritize. Siblings with young children and not living nearby should first consider the impact the separation will have on their children. Bringing a child on an on-going basis to the place of the illness will isolate the child from peers, places the child in a grown up position he/she is not able to understand or handle. In families with more than their share of dysfunction the needs of the children are placed behind the other adults including the adult children who are to provide care. He joked it does not take a village to care for an elderly parent, but it does take a village to raise a child.

The panel spoke of one woman who had her son with her. She stood up and told her story. It is similar to ours, she was from a large family of seven children and was the only one who lived far from the family. The sisters expected her to give up her family to share in the burden of caring for their mother. She had five children. This woman said her children were young at the time. She felt guilt and began spending time caring for the mother while her sisters went to work, to their children’s ball games and activities and home to their husbands or boyfriends. She said the brothers were useless but one sister-in-law was the best. The woman told over time the stays became longer and longer. She started to take her two youngest sons with her. They missed school and their activities. The children were with her morning noon and night while she cared for her mother. They only socialized with her and the other adults. Her two children began to act out, becoming mean, talking back and acting like they were the grown up. They heard all the talk which was not child appropriate.

The mother passed away and she returned home. She was depressed, slept all the time and wanted to be the center of the home as she once was. She resented her husband for pushing her to the side, but now realizes it was her choices that caused the changes. The two youngest children began to control the house. They attacked the father and she admitted she would join in and eventually all the children followed. The husband nearly had a breakdown and disappeared for a few weeks. He was found living on the streets and was hospitalized. She said they were not kind to him and the attacks continued. The husband lost his business and filed for bankruptcy. She said he was a lost soul letting “evil” control his actions and activities outside the home. She now realizes it was not the person he truly is, they had broken him. They divorced and she expected him to support the family including the over 18 year old children who abused him. He refused based on advice from his doctors not to support those that attack because it only enables them to further destroy. She said her ex is doing well, rebuilt his business and has found a lovely woman. She said she was jealous. She said she went into therapy over a year ago after an anxiety disorder. She now realized she had her priorities wrong and crossed parental child boundaries. I liked her line, misery loves company and that is what her family was all about. I had spoken of my experiences in the breakout sessions and several of the panelist commented what was done was beyond dysfunctional. They spoke to me with my friend who has worked with them after about the trauma of CSA, the dissociation and fugues. They validated everything I was told by my doctors and doctors at the hospitals I was hospitalized.

She had one of her two sons who she took with her. She said one is in denial. The one there spoke and said he had not been on a date or to a movie, dance or party and was 29 years old. He still lived with his mother. He is in therapy and knows he needs to break the co-dependent relationship. He said it is hard because he thought he had to be his mother’s protector or she would leave again. I felt sad for him because I could see fear in his eyes, he was scared and expressed regrets for what he did to his father. He said he was too ashamed to tell of what he and his brother did to the father. At least he is getting help.

There were many other stories from emotional to physical abuse, adults never feeling loved by the parent, adults dealing with abandonment issues as a child, guilt controlling their lives, adults who have never had a relationship other than with their parents, families that do not speak and so much more. Clearly, in most situations parental and child emotional and/or physical boundaries were crossed. The panelist spoke ever family has a level of being dysfunctional because there is no such thing as the perfect parent, the perfect child, the perfect family or perfect person. It is the illusion that can be destructive. They also reminded us any body that uses is abusing. It can be using people to satisfy their own emotional, physical, personal or psychological needs to using drugs and alcohol to cope and this is self-abuse. The underlying problem needs to be resolved and not brushed under the rug. If families speak and listen and issues not denied families can become functional. But most bury their feelings, especially ones that hurt them, for they are conditioned to believe everything is done out of love.

I left feeling I can only accept my part of the dysfunctional aspects of my family and I cannot change or help those who continue to deny the dysfunctional nature of their relationships, only they can make the change and seek help and growth.

I better understand what happened and also feel sorry for the child who is an adult, the mother or father, who is placed in this situation by their parents and siblings. I feel most sorry for the young children who are caught in the middle. They should not be subject to leaving their home to care for elderly or sick relatives nor should the other children be left behind. I hope your brother finds help as I do for those in my family.

I am thankful for my friend, because I know she had me attend to help me see something that has bothered me. I have guilt that I was solely responsible for what was done to me. I now understand it was the result of a dysfunctional environment and selfishness of others. The children were those who will suffer a lifetime until they face their own emotions and voids. Sorryson, you and your sister have taken great strides forward to a better life.

It is important focus on ourselves and not the others. Healing is an emotional process of many ups and downs. We do not need the drama and denial of others of what we have lived. You need to be with those who support you, give you comfort and make you feel safe. I am rooting for you sorryson—because I know your father loved you, as I do my children, despite what happened. For all of us, we need to remember we were a child when the CSA happened and we were a child when you were caught in the emotional and psychological tug of war by adults who only had their interest at heart. As a child we are not responsible for what the adults did to us.

Top
#467416 - 07/09/14 08:11 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
I guess everyone has some dysfunctional aspect in their family. I guess we are all a product of our enviornment including our family. I guess I cannot change the past, only learn to accept it. I am trying to forgive Mama but she still says her family was perfect and I am just whining. She is old so maybe let her think this and I will just have to accept it. I feel like a victim, not sure if it is just she left us and hurt Dad or if it is the sexual abuse. It all runs together.

I agree with the part the young children should be the priority when making plans for elderly care. I guess we were not a priority to Mama and her family. I have to meet with my psychiatrist today, I am going to talk about how I feel about Mama and her family and what they did to us. I want to put it behind. I am also going to ask what can I do to help my brother who is still caught in the trap. Maybe I cannot change the past but hopefully I can change the future for my brother.

I wonder if I had not been sexually abused would I feel differently about all the family crap.

Top
#467503 - 07/11/14 09:23 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
i met with my psychiatrist and counselor and was told to focus on me. I need to heal and be better before I can help anyone. I am so concerned for my brother. They told me he has to want to break the chain of be so attached. They said if Mama would get help and tell him he needs to get help because of what happened many years ago he may listen. I asked what happens when Mama dies, they said he will be lost because she was his life since he was a child. They told me no mother or family should every make this happen. Such selfishness from grandma and the aunts. I spoke with my sister and she said she would talk to Mama. She thinks it is useless because that whole family thinks they are the only perfect family in the world. She said they were like everyone else and just wanted to hurt people they thought were not like them. She said she hoped her children were not anything like them. I think my children are not because of my wife. I want to help him so much. The professionals tell me to work on me and then I can help him. Everything is so screwed up.

Even at Dad's funeral my brother did not care about Dad but was looking to see what he and Mama should get from him. My own doctors have said the person being abused should never help anyone who is abusing them because it only enables them. Why does Mama and my brother think they deserve anything after what they did to him. I think they are mad he died happy because her family was never happy only pretended by making fun of everyone else in the building or school. Poor Dad was an outsider. I think my grandpa saw my Dad was treated the same way they treated him.

I will try to take care of myself first. My wife and sisters say the doctor and counselor are right. It is so hard because I think I am a good person but if I do not help him I will not be a good person. I am trying. Has anyone else dealt with family and CSA at the same time? What did you do?

Top
#467670 - 07/16/14 08:34 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
I think hell has frozen over. Something I thought would never happen has happened. My sister went to speak to Mama about our brother. We are both concerned his life will be destroyed when Mama passes. She is getting up there in years.

My sister, a recovering alcoholic, found her voice years ago when she faced her demons and the past. She was the only child of the three to see through the mask that was built to protect Mama and her family. She reconciled with Dad. For me, I could only say I am sorry at his funeral. Now I know I was wrong and was led down the path of believing everything my father was evil and wrong. This allowed Mama to be the center of the love of her children, even though she left us, now let me say it honestly, she abandoned us to take care of her mother when there were many others there who should have taken care of grandma without expecting Mama to be there. They did not have to leave their families.

My sister dreaded the thought of facing Mama. Since Dad died we both were concerned for our brother and what will happen when Mama is no longer here. He has been controlled by Mama and he controls her and both do not have a happy life. My sister told me she faced Mama and was surprised on how calm and non-combative she was. Generally she is fierce as a bull. My sister said they talked and out of nowhere Mama began to cry. She told my sister she cried when she heard Dad died. My sister asked after all the things you said and did to him you cried, we thought you hated him. Mama said she now knows what was done to Dad was wrong. My sister asked why did you continue and make us do those horrible things. She said only by continuing to criticize him could she continue to believe she was right and her family told her Dad was useless. She apologized to my sister and told her she was proud that she overcame the damage of leaving the family and letting grandma and her sisters and brothers take her away from us. Mama said she was so torn but hearing them complain and saying we missed her she knew she had to go. Mama admitted she was afraid of her sisters and could not disappoint her brothers so she felt guilty. Mama said she should not have left our Dad after he had the heart attack. Mama was sorry she came back after grandma died feeling lonely. She was hurt when she saw the children going to Dad for help and everything else. Mama admitted she was jealous and wanted everything especially the children’s love. Mama said she had to break us from Dad and said once she got started it just kept rolling along. She said I should never have let you hear the things she said to Dad. My sister asked Mama if she knew Dad had been sexually abused as a child. Mama said no but he had asked her for help many times as she was trying to regain control of the children. Dad did not tell her specifics but Mama did not want to help him. Mama said she spoke with her sisters and they said he was just looking for attention and not to give in to him. My sister and I talked and remember Dad asking for help and he was laughed at, we laughed at him too. Mama told my sister maybe the abuse and what we did made him act the way he did and now she felt guilty for not helping him.

My sister asked about getting help for our younger brother. Mama said if she told my brother she was wrong and should not have broken our family up and taken him to away with her he would be angry. My sister said maybe the two of you could go to counseling and let the counselor lead you through the best way to resolve the issue. Mama said she would have to think about it. My sister also told Mama about me being sexually abused by the teacher priest when she was in Chicago. Mama began to cry uncontrollably saying I hurt all my children and destroyed their father. My sister told her he was not destroyed and had found a happy place in life. He did miss his two sons and knew he needed to keep his distance. Dad also said he did not want to enable them to continue to hurt him so he would watch from afar and not give or get involved. My sister also told her, my wife secretly had my children get to know their grandfather. She said Mama was glad she had done that because Dad was a good man. My sister said that was the first kind word she heard from Mama about Dad in decades.

That night WW III broke out in our family. Mama called her sister and told her how she felt. This sister was married with no children. Her husband was a funny guy but a lapdog to the aunt. I always thought he instigated much of the troubles. The aunt was livid, she ranted and raved on how she did everything and my Dad was an ungrateful person. Mama told her sister about Dad’s abuse as a child and the aunt said something, yeah right. Mama and this sister are not talking. The aunt called my sister and started lashing out at her. Calling her a trouble maker, ungrateful niece for all she did for her. My sister told her she did not do it for anyone but for herself, always trying to outdo others and wrecking activities and events others planned to celebrate their child. My aunt said what happened to our Dad as a child was because his mother was oblivious and did not watch over him. My sister said it was not true and told her I had been sexually abused by a priest when Mama was in Chicago picking up the pieces so you could have your life. She said the aunt was silent and hung up the phone. I thought I would be spared the drama but the aunt called me. I just told her I agreed with my sister and Mama on what happened and how it destroyed our family. She started to tell me how she did everything for us and I just said what my sister said, you did it for yourself so people would think you were great and did not do it for us. She hung on me and I have not heard from her.

I did not hear from Mama and I was not going to call. The following evening I received the dreaded call. Mama was soft spoken that evening, which was not her. Asked how I was doing. She told me she spent several hours with Fr. at the church. He was a young liberal priest. Mama told him everything from leaving the family to watch grandma with three sisters and a father who all lived right there and brothers also there. She told him about our brother ¬¬and how controlling and mean he became as she started to take him with her and how he missed school and being with other children and his father, sister and brother. She began to tell me the stories she told Fr. about how she felt and acted after Grandma died. She even told him how my brother threw hot oatmeal on Dad, how Dad would be locked out of the house, his work files opened and thrown apart, how Dad would have to stay up all night putting them back together while she laughed and encouraged the children to laugh. She also told him she would start arguments and cry, so the children would feel sorry for her. She told him Dad began to act strange and was not the same person. Mama went on to tell how yesterday she learned he had been sexually abused as a child. The priest told Mama they are learning how devastating sexual abuse is to a child. She said she learned how the abuse can destroy a child and how a child can hide it for decades and one day it boils over. She asked if my Dad could have done some of the things he did because of the abuse. The priest said it is possible and they were learning more each day on what this type of abuse does to the mind. They then talked about me and Mama said she now understands my breakdown, my memory loss and forgetfulness. She cried and said she was so sorry and she should have been there. I told her she should have been there for us and Dad. She needs to understand the guilt her mother and sisters had and how it controlled her. It was wrong and selfish of them. I told her I loved her and only want the future to be happy. I told her I want my brother to get help like I am. She asked if I knew anyone that could help. I am going to ask my counselor and psychiatrist.

I never would have expected Mama to accept she was wrong and her family being wrong. It was the first time I did not hear how perfect her mother was throughout life. The aunt is still calling and complaining to my sister. The other aunt that is still alive called Mama and my sister and said how wrong we all were. She said the sexual abuse is a cop out. Mama is hurt, she loves her sisters and now realizes they are her sisters but we are her children and Dad was the one she chose to be with. But said she chose her Mama and sisters over Dad and us. Now she wants to talk to someone and I can only think it will lead to my brother getting help so he can have a life. For me this is monumental, never thinking this woman, my Mama, could ever admit she was wrong and her family was not perfect and destroyed her family and my Dad. I think Dad must have intervened to help my brother because he was truly a Dad and never expected anything in return.

I hope this will help me on my path to accept my past and the sexual abuse I lived as a child. I do not want to get caught up in the family drama. Hearing Mama say she was sorry made me feel better.

Top
#467673 - 07/16/14 09:01 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3700
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sorry -

this is HUGE and i am so happy for you. i hope it can be the beginning of a much more healthy and positive relationship between your remaining family members.

grin
smiling for you!
LEE
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


Top
#467687 - 07/16/14 08:00 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sorryson]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
Sorryson

Wow never expected to hear such good news. I am so happy for you and your family. Your sister must have been able to say something that got through to your mother. I can only imagine your feelings and sense of relief to finally have a mother you can love and who is not hiding behind her own need to please her sisters and brothers. For your mother to finally comes to term with her past and unfortunately the hurt she caused cannot be undone but shows we can all face the past.

At the workshop for families with dysfunction they said if the parent who perpetrated the hurt and created a world that prevented the child from being independent of the parent can admit their issues and failings and tell the children it is important to seek help with a therapist it can be more convincing than someone outside the "inner circle", because distrust surround all outside. I wish your mother and brother the best and hopefully they can face and accept the past. Your brother deserves a life of his own.

Thank you for sharing and now I hope this helps to lift a pain you have felt along with the CSA. As you said your father must have intervened. I believe he is with you and watching over. He wants you and your brother to heal and be well. I think your remark about your father never expecting anything in return for what he did shows the person he was and you should accept he was always with you

Keep well and maybe it is time to change you name, because you are not a sorryson but rather a son who knows his father has always been with you.

Kevin

Top
#467779 - 07/19/14 09:26 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
It has been a difficult week. I am trying to focus on getting better and resolving my issues with CSA and my Dad. The family drama has heightened. My brother overheard several conversations about Mama, her family and how he is living his life. He has shown anger, bitterness and retreated from the world. The priest came over the other night to talk with Mama and my brother. My sister was there. The priest tried to explain to my brother it was alright to be angry and what happened to him was not his fault. The priest supposedly tried to put Mama in the best light possible explaining she only acted in the way she learned as a child. My brother did not want to hear this about Mama and said his whole life was a joke. He said he never had friends as a child because I was being dragged to Chicago and away from school and my family. He said he thought Mama needed him so he gave all to her. It did not end well.

The priest left and my brother left the room and then my sister and Mama heard him fighting on the phone. He called the aunt who has been a major pain in the ass our whole lives. She made us feel guilty and made us love her. He supposedly called her a B***h, which is true and screamed out things he remembered she said to Mama to make her feel guilty to stay or come back. He also remembered how bitter she was about the illness and how unfair it was to her. My sister said it was brutal and my sister was surprised how many details he remembered. They could not hear the other side of the conversation but imagined she denied everything and was trying to make him feel guilty. My brother was beyond that point. Next thing they know he is calling my uncle. The same thing happens and he tells everything he remembers. Mama had a soft spot for two of her three brothers. He told my uncle he remembered him telling Mama how he could not take this anymore and she needed to stay so he did not have to hear the sisters complain.

My brother stormed out and went to his room. He would not speak or let anyone in. My sister left and when she got home her husband told her she had a few “welcome home” messages from the aunt and uncle.

Oddly the next day my uncle called my brother, my brother took the call. My uncle apologized to my brother. My brother asked why so late? My brother told my sister the uncle said his wife had told him when this was going on he and my family will ruin your sister’s life and mess up the children and marriage if they kept up making Mama feel guilty for being home with her children and husband and not taking care of grandma. He told my brother that he thought his wife did not know what she was talking about. He said he realized years ago what they did was wrong. My brother asked will you apologize to Mama and tell his sisters’ what was done was wrong. He said that would be hard because it would disappoint his mother. My brother said she has been dead over 40 years. My uncle’s wife was the smart one in the family and no one ever listened to the smart one.

I am worried about my brother. His mood swings are all over the place. Anger, silence, rage, betrayal and it goes on. Mama is struggling and crying all the time. I met with my counselor and psychiatrist and told them what was happening. They both said I need to focus on me. I know they are right but it is hard to see someone suffer and in pain. I guess I know his pain and how it can come to life decades later. My doctor explained my brother is going through the process of facing what happened to him. She said like you, you placed trust in supposedly kind and fair adult, and I was betrayed. Your brother was betrayed, his was not physical but rather emotional abuse by many adults. She said the abuse most likely was not intentional. It was the result of the dysfunction in the family. The doctor said less dysfunctional families, especially one as large as my mother’s, would have prioritized the needs of the children and established a schedule. The family would realize not all would be able to assist to the same degree. Instead your brother was brought into an intense, unhealthy and disruptive environment. The environment had hostility, resentment, and other negative issues. She said for my brother his only constant was my Mama and his nuclear family was not intact. My brother began to see everything through my Mama’s eyes and he began to treat people as she did. She said he began to think this is how he should live his life. He lost a part of himself. She told me my Dad was also a victim as was my brother. When Mama returned she was sad, angry and felt left out of the family. She would become angry with Dad and saying to the children I am your mother and I do those things. Dad had done them for so long. Her anger carried over to Dad and my brother has he had come to believe began treating Dad in the same way as Mama and it was the right thing to do. My doctor believes for him to accept the rift with Dad was the result of Mama and her family will be the most difficult aspect. Every child wants a mother and father and he lost a father forever.

My doctor is concerned for my brother. She has arranged counseling with a respected expert in family issues for my brother and Mama. They meet on Monday. I just want him to be well and start living. I do not want him to hurt himself.

I have learned any type of abuse leaves scars. I also learned emotional manipulation is common in many families and is not intentional. It just keeps flowing from parent to child and so on. This has sidetracked me from me. I know I have a lot to do to get better and my wife has been a saint. She is so supportive and said I think getting this skeleton out of the closet will help me. I hope she is right.

Top
#467955 - 07/24/14 10:23 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
Things have been difficult here. Mama and my brother went to see the psychiatrist twice this week. Mama is staying with my sister and my brother is very sad. My doctor wants me to keep away because of my own issues and trying to get better. I went to see my brother yesterday, I feel so bad for him. He is learning his life was controlled and taken by people he loved. He kept saying over and over, I was there to help Mama. He then says, I was there to help her make Dad look bad so she could look good and we would forget she left and he was taken away to be with everyone who was mad and upset and spiteful over grandma and having to give up their time. He seems so lost and I just cried for him. I know how he feels and yet I cannot relate to how he feels about being taken from Dad, my sister and me. I only feel Mama's family took both of them from us. I am worried he will do something horrible to himself. I told my sister and she spoke with his doctor. They are meeting again tomorrow, just the two of them. Last night is the first time he cried and said Dad why did I believe those selfish people. He said he hurt him and knew it so Mama would be happy. I know how much I missed out on Dad because of everything that was done. I almost got mad at my brother about all the horrible things he did why Mama and we laughed. I held back because I am as guilty as he and Mama has finally admitted she was wrong. Everyone wanted to be loved and did horrible things to get the love they thought they deserved. Sad way to live and I hope it ends here.

Mama is crying all the time and keeps saying over and over, why did I let my sisters and brothers do this to me. She is angry.

I am struggling myself and just trying to keep myself going. I told my brother it was not his fault but the adults fault. I tried to tell him that is all they knew because that is how their family treated people and Mama. He was a child. Then I remember everyone tells me I was a child when I was abused and I still feel guilty it was my fault. My brother does not know of my abuse only my Dad's. I have been to the counselor twice this week and I see my doctor tomorrow. My wife is hold me some what together but inside I am so sad for everyone and for what I missed in life because of the abuse and what happened with Mama and her family. I think about giving up on all this healing. Maybe I am better off without all these doctors and counselors. Then I think of my children, would they be better off without me. Lately I have been saying yes. I do not want to believe this.

It has been so much over the past months and I need to sleep. My wife I know will keep a loving eye on me.

Top
#468317 - 08/01/14 07:20 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
I am loosing it. Everything is so difficult now. My counselor and doctors have told me to work on me and not try to help my brother. Mama is staying with my sister. Their counselor recommended time apart. My brother keeps calling me and I keep talking to him. When he talks all I can see is the sexual abuse. I then become angry at the teacher priest. I then get angry at Mama for leaving this mess so she could keep her sisters and brothers happy. They did not leave their children and their children did not feel lonely. I think my abuser picked me because he knew I was lonely.

My brother is so mad at everyone. He is really mad at himself for letting Mama and the aunts and uncles using Mama and all of us. He said the other night he felt sorry for Dad. He said no one told him about Dad being abused as a child. I ask him if he did tell us what would you and Mama have done. Would you have been nice to him or would you have laughed at him and told him it was nothing. He said I do not know and the said I think that is why he may have done those things. I said it could be but it was also the abuse we all gave him. He said abuse, I said yes. Throwing oatmeal on a person, locking him out of the house, destroying his work paper, laughing at him, and everything else we did. I said I think it was both that mad him feel lost and sad. I said everyone used him. My brother then told me stories how Grandpa was made to feel bad and he would walk out of the room. He said Grandpa did more than anyone else. They would all laugh at him. He told me they would make fun of Dad and he was not even there. Mama would also talk about Dad and they would all laugh. I think he is seeing what happened and remembering is making him mad. He cried saying he is a middle aged man who never was a child or young adult because he had to watch out for Mama. He said Mama should have been watching out for him and me and my sister. The anger is bad and I have so much anger. I have not told him about my abuse. I do not think anyoune else had unless one of the crazy aunts or uncles did. I think this would make him mad. I then think he would understand he is not alone. I do not know what to do. I guess I need to listen to my counselor and doctors.

This whole situation is terrible. I hope I am making progress, I feel like a bulldozer keeps running over me. There are days I want to give up. I then think of Dad and how he kept going, I cannot disappoint him again.

Top
#468318 - 08/01/14 07:28 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 4710
Loc: O Kanada
keep typing it out, brother!

don't give up.
don't give in.
don't give out.

stay strong.

you have to learn how to swim before you go back in the water to rescue anyone.

try to lead by example.

i agree with your conclusion.
listen to your counsellor and doctors.

nurture yourself.

or, as they say in UFC… "Protect yourself at all times."

i wish i could offer more than just "keep your chin up" but that is all i know how to do.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#468325 - 08/01/14 10:56 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sorryson]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
Sorryson

Life seems to be moving fast. Your therapist and doctors have given you good advise. You need to heal yourself before you can help anyone else heal. Your brother is dealing with many of the same feelings we have from the abuse. He should never have been made to feel he needed to watch over his mother.

I relate to what you are living. It is not isolated, many families face what you have because of family's failure to recognize more then their inner circle are effected by decisions, guilt and control. It is just the way of the family, not always intentional, sometimes selfish. Some people believe love is only present when one sacrifices all for them-whatever the reason, you cannot change how they perceive what has happened. You and your brother were children and should have been put before the other adults, but were not. I see similarities between you, your brother and sister and my own children. Your sister dug deep to find the cause of her unhappiness. I was at a seminar on addictions and the experts stated between 75-80% of addictions are from some form of childhood trauma. They mentioned abuse to a sense of not being important or loved by a parent. They also said many can overcome the addiction without facing the truth but never truly have a happy and fulfilling life. Your sister definitely dug deep and appears to have a rewarding life. Kudos to her. I have a child who has been through rehab and is clean but I believe medications are what is controlling the moods. The child I hope has dug deep like your sister so a rewarding and full life will be had. I also hope the children face the issues earlier rather than later in life so they can recapture their lives. Going through the pain you and your brother are feeling at this point in your life is difficult.

I hope you heed the advise of the doctors because you have made progress. You seem to have an inner strength to move forward. Your wife standing by you is so important. It sounds as though she always put your first and still is.

I hope your brother continues with his therapy and finds he has many years ahead. He deserve to be free and live his life. I am also glad to see your mother realizes now that a parent should not create a world where the child needs to adore them and forsake everyone else. I am sorry she did not recognize this years ago before so much time and hurt was caused to you, your brother, sister and father. At last she is trying to right a wrong and this takes a brave person. She needs support also. Keep moving forward.

Kevin

Top
#468350 - 08/01/14 08:24 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
sadclown, victor and kevin

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to listen to my doctors and counselors. It is difficult when family is involved.

I want to thank you Kevin for remembering we need to give Mama support. The counselor and doctors say she needs it.

I have talked about her and her family with my counselor and doctors. They all agree she has lived out what she was taught in her family. My doctor asked me to talk about Mama's family. I said grandma was a kind person and would always smile. She would always remind the children she was their mother and all she did. I remember Mama had a brother who was very bigoted. He was a fireman and always made fun of people who were different than Mama's family. I remember grandma saying that is all they know so what can we expect of them. My uncle was the center of attraction along with another uncle who was not as bad but bad. Mama and her sisters would sit around and laugh with him. They always were finding something wrong with everyone. The uncle would always make Dad and grandpa mad and if Mama's other brother the college professor was there, would make them leave the room with his demeaning comments. Everyone else would say they cannot laugh too serious. We would laugh with them. We also talked how Mama was treated by her brothers and sisters. I remembered they would always make fun of her and she would laugh with them. She could never make fun of them or tell them what she thought. They told her what she thought about everyting. My brother said they would talk about Dad when he was there for grandma. They would make fun of him and put him down. He remembers Mama telling them some very personal things that he thought only a husband and wife should know. He learned what Dad did or did not do was open to everyone. I told the doctor I remember so many times all we heard about was how stupid this family was, or how bad this one was or how how messed this one was. Never heard anything good about anyone. I remember grandpa and the college professor had a good relationship. They both would do things for everyone and never talk about it, they were like Dad. The rest of them would always tell you what they did and how much they gave up. Mama would come home saying she was so tired from taking care of grandma. I now wonder why she was so tired when there were so many of there. My brother told me they would leave her to do the work why they went on with life. She was their slave and they would stay up late eating and drinking.

The doctor asked where did they all live. I said grandma and grandpa lived in the same build with two aunts and one uncle, another aunt lived around the corn another uncle a few blocks away and the college professor aoubt 60 miles away and Mama a few thousand miles away.

The doctors said this was a very insular family. In insular families they learn their way is the only way and anyone who does not conform is an outsider. They expect one to follow their rules and if they feel unloved will resort to guilt or other measures to be loved. She told me, the children in my family were separated and as children we looked for love and comfort. She told me we found it with Dad and this was unacceptable becaue children were to love the mother first, as she was told. She said Mama missed the fact that she had left us and Dad. She told me I need to realize what Mama did was from the way she was brought up. She asked if someone told me about this family what would I think including what was done to Dad when Mama returned. I did not want to say but had to finally say there were many selfish and horrible people who ruined others lives. She said that is one way to look at it. She reminded me that is all they knew and like me they are a product of their family.

I asked why do they say they are still the perfect family. She said because the control goes beyond the grave. She also reminded me Mama has said she was wrong and was sorry she was not there to help my Dad when he asked for help. She also admitted what was done to him was wrong. She asked did Mama every admit it was abuse? I said no, and she said it was abuse and you children learned this abuse was normal and part of life. I told her I now realize it was abuse. She said that is a good start. I told her my brother does not think it was abuse. She said his doctors will work with him and it was not her place to judge or speak of him. I admired her for that.

I guess I know their advise is right and realize my family and Mama's family was screwed up like many other families. I can admit it.

I want to thank you for keeping me on track and following my counselor and doctors.

Top
#468379 - 08/02/14 08:59 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sorryson]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
Sorryson

I wish you and your family the best on this journey. For you it wil help to bridge the wounds with your father and help you accept the childhood sexual abuse was not your fault or your mothers. It should bring you closer to yourself.

It takes a brave family to face the truth, honesty by them will bridge the wounds that you and your family has carried for decades. I know as everyone heals your family will be better off and be able to connect on an honest and open way. Denial will not be the order of the day. Hopefully the family will realize what was done was not healthy and these ways will not be passed to future generations. I have learned families do things out of love most times but never look at the damage it could do. It is what they were taught and learned from watching parents, grandparents and other adults. Your mother I must say amazes me, at this point of life to accept her families way and her own acts were not right for you and your brother and sister as well as your Dad shows she has a good heart and has taken her own steps to break from the family traditions that were so steeped in her for a lifetime.

Good luck and good thoughts to you and your family.

Top
#468391 - 08/02/14 06:59 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 205
I appreciate your comments and support. I have been reading your old postings. I am sorry you had to live with the abuse of so many. I cried when I read what happened in your home. It brought back so many painful memories. I saw many of the things we did to Dad and Mama laughed and cheered us on. None were good only abusive. I remember when they happened and thought they were so funny. We had Mama home and she said it was alright. I remember Mama talking about her sex life with Dad in front of us. This I now know is wrong, very wrong. She used it as a weapon to embarrass him and emasculate him. Seeing your experience in words makes me feel shameful and guilty of destroying a person I had loved. I was taught not to love him.

Recently, my sister told me Dad had been hospitalized after the divorce. She only learned of it during her therapy. I asked, how did she find out about Dad being hospitalized? She said Dad wen to several sessions with her. Mama would not go. Did Mama know he was hospitalized? She said she asked Mama and she said she heard he had been hospitalized. My sister asked her why she did not tell us. She said he was just looking for attention. My sister said she was given a copy of his hospitalization report. Even before the divorce Dad was self-destructing and disappearing for hours or days. He would say he did not know where he had been. Then the laughter and attacks began. After the divorce he was found wandering the streets in the city about 60 miles from home. This was over 35 years ago. Doctors did not know what to make of his memory loss. He eventually remembered everything except the prior few days. The doctors were baffled. One doctor took an interest in Dad. In his reports Dad talked about the abuse as a child with the Brother. He said it was horrible and had nightmares most of his life. He told the doctor he had times when he could not remember where he was or had been. He said he may have done things that he never thought of doing. In the report the doctor could not figure out the triggers to his episodes. The doctor said in the report he had trauma related issues. Dad say nothing had happened that was stessful. My sister told the doctor at one of her joint sessions this was not right.

In reality Dad was under a lot of stress. My sister said Dad tried to stop her from telling what happened in the house. My sister did not stop and told everything. The doctor said that would trouble anyone and for your Dad it could have killed him. My sister asked Dad why he did not tell. Dad said in those days no one would believe a wife and children could do such things to a man, a father. My sister told methis is when she broke down and realized she could have killed Dad. She learned more about trauma and what Dad experienced and did were from his abuse and the abuse she, me, my brother and Mama put Dad through. She learned Dad may have reenacted the abuse or done things to cope subconsciously. I spoke to my doctors about this and they said it is common for victims to dissociate and reenact. The doctors said we know so much more about the effects of trauma and childhood sexual abuse than we did 10 years ago.

After this she talked to Mama, who said Dad was useless. She did not tell Mama about Dad’s abuse at that time. My sister said Mama was so stubborn and could not admit she or her family were wrong. I asked my sister why she did not tell me. She said my brother and I were stuck in Mama’s fantasy world of being the perfect mother from the perfect family. My sister told me these meeting with Dad is what saved her from her own self destruction. She told me Dad went back to therapy to resolve his abuse issues. He had been remarried for many years by this time. My sister told me she had told my wife about Dad’s abuse. I asked my wife and she said how could I tell you with all this false hatred toward your that your Mama created with her family. I had to back down and say she was right.

I hope your children see how rotten they have been. I cried when they left you stranded at the hospital. I saw myself. When my Dad was dying I did not go to the hospital. I was a rotten person and part of a rotten group that tried to destroyed a good person. All because one person needed to be the cnetoer of love with her children. If I could have back the time I would tell Dad I love him. If your children have a shred of conscience they should stop and look at what they did and what they destroyed. They also need to ask why they did and the influences of others. They can never get back the time. I know for them to admit there was abuse to you will take courage. I finally mustered the courage to say it was abuse, my sister said it years ago. Mama and my brother will not. I wish I could tell my Dad I was an abusive son and to ask for his forgiveness.

I want to let you know I admire your courage to move ahead as my Dad did. I resented Dad when did not give to me or any of us. I now understand giving to us would have been giving to those who were destroying him. He was right, we used him and were ingrates. Your children one day will carry the regrets I carry. They can change and I would like to read one day that they have changed.

There are so many on this site that I admire for their courage.

Top
#468414 - 08/03/14 08:41 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
Sorryson

I am sorry if my prior posts caused you pain and reminded you of your past. I was only telling my story and did not want to trigger anyone. I understand your pain and hopefully with the help you are receiving you will come to terms with the past.

I understand you are dealing with much, the family issues, your own CSA, learning of your father's CSA and separation with your father and his death. You need to take care of yourself. I can tell you as a father, a parent, your father always loved you. He just knew he had to keep his distance to protect himself and also to protect you. Please do not resent your father for not giving to you, he learned supporting or giving to those who were less than kind, and as you said abused him, would only enable them to continue hurting him. Never be the enabler it only brings more heartache. I love my children and I too need the distance, I tried to reconnect, but realized only they can help themselves and open their minds. Their lives have been impacted for years.

I believe you have made great strides, you have admitted what happened and realizes it was abuse. Sadly many have a very narrow view of what constitutes abuse. You are facing the issues and that is the only way to heal. Your sister seems to have strength and understanding of your Dad and his past. She has overcome many obstacles and sounds like she is now the core of holding everyone together. Keep talking with her and she can fill you in on who your Dad was and how he lived. From what you have written your father found a happy place in life with a wife and her family. That is important to remember, he was happy but I can tell he had something missing, you and your brother.

I am no more courageous than anyone else here. We all struggle to be whole. We want to heal, which does not mean the abuse did not happen, it means it no longer controls us.

PM if I can help you. I know it is hard when dealing with everything that is spiraling in your life. It will get better and it sounds you are in good hands with your wife, sister and doctors.

Kevin

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.