Newest Members
Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated, donmarks
12383 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alan Fountain (52), blindpet (31), egoror (49), Midas (33), uwa (78)
Who's Online
1 registered (tbkkfile), 27 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12383 Members
74 Forums
63646 Topics
444506 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#468350 - 08/01/14 08:24 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 67
sadclown, victor and kevin

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to listen to my doctors and counselors. It is difficult when family is involved.

I want to thank you Kevin for remembering we need to give Mama support. The counselor and doctors say she needs it.

I have talked about her and her family with my counselor and doctors. They all agree she has lived out what she was taught in her family. My doctor asked me to talk about Mama's family. I said grandma was a kind person and would always smile. She would always remind the children she was their mother and all she did. I remember Mama had a brother who was very bigoted. He was a fireman and always made fun of people who were different than Mama's family. I remember grandma saying that is all they know so what can we expect of them. My uncle was the center of attraction along with another uncle who was not as bad but bad. Mama and her sisters would sit around and laugh with him. They always were finding something wrong with everyone. The uncle would always make Dad and grandpa mad and if Mama's other brother the college professor was there, would make them leave the room with his demeaning comments. Everyone else would say they cannot laugh too serious. We would laugh with them. We also talked how Mama was treated by her brothers and sisters. I remembered they would always make fun of her and she would laugh with them. She could never make fun of them or tell them what she thought. They told her what she thought about everyting. My brother said they would talk about Dad when he was there for grandma. They would make fun of him and put him down. He remembers Mama telling them some very personal things that he thought only a husband and wife should know. He learned what Dad did or did not do was open to everyone. I told the doctor I remember so many times all we heard about was how stupid this family was, or how bad this one was or how how messed this one was. Never heard anything good about anyone. I remember grandpa and the college professor had a good relationship. They both would do things for everyone and never talk about it, they were like Dad. The rest of them would always tell you what they did and how much they gave up. Mama would come home saying she was so tired from taking care of grandma. I now wonder why she was so tired when there were so many of there. My brother told me they would leave her to do the work why they went on with life. She was their slave and they would stay up late eating and drinking.

The doctor asked where did they all live. I said grandma and grandpa lived in the same build with two aunts and one uncle, another aunt lived around the corn another uncle a few blocks away and the college professor aoubt 60 miles away and Mama a few thousand miles away.

The doctors said this was a very insular family. In insular families they learn their way is the only way and anyone who does not conform is an outsider. They expect one to follow their rules and if they feel unloved will resort to guilt or other measures to be loved. She told me, the children in my family were separated and as children we looked for love and comfort. She told me we found it with Dad and this was unacceptable becaue children were to love the mother first, as she was told. She said Mama missed the fact that she had left us and Dad. She told me I need to realize what Mama did was from the way she was brought up. She asked if someone told me about this family what would I think including what was done to Dad when Mama returned. I did not want to say but had to finally say there were many selfish and horrible people who ruined others lives. She said that is one way to look at it. She reminded me that is all they knew and like me they are a product of their family.

I asked why do they say they are still the perfect family. She said because the control goes beyond the grave. She also reminded me Mama has said she was wrong and was sorry she was not there to help my Dad when he asked for help. She also admitted what was done to him was wrong. She asked did Mama every admit it was abuse? I said no, and she said it was abuse and you children learned this abuse was normal and part of life. I told her I now realize it was abuse. She said that is a good start. I told her my brother does not think it was abuse. She said his doctors will work with him and it was not her place to judge or speak of him. I admired her for that.

I guess I know their advise is right and realize my family and Mama's family was screwed up like many other families. I can admit it.

I want to thank you for keeping me on track and following my counselor and doctors.

Top
#468379 - 08/02/14 08:59 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sorryson]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Sorryson

I wish you and your family the best on this journey. For you it wil help to bridge the wounds with your father and help you accept the childhood sexual abuse was not your fault or your mothers. It should bring you closer to yourself.

It takes a brave family to face the truth, honesty by them will bridge the wounds that you and your family has carried for decades. I know as everyone heals your family will be better off and be able to connect on an honest and open way. Denial will not be the order of the day. Hopefully the family will realize what was done was not healthy and these ways will not be passed to future generations. I have learned families do things out of love most times but never look at the damage it could do. It is what they were taught and learned from watching parents, grandparents and other adults. Your mother I must say amazes me, at this point of life to accept her families way and her own acts were not right for you and your brother and sister as well as your Dad shows she has a good heart and has taken her own steps to break from the family traditions that were so steeped in her for a lifetime.

Good luck and good thoughts to you and your family.

Top
#468391 - 08/02/14 06:59 PM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 67
I appreciate your comments and support. I have been reading your old postings. I am sorry you had to live with the abuse of so many. I cried when I read what happened in your home. It brought back so many painful memories. I saw many of the things we did to Dad and Mama laughed and cheered us on. None were good only abusive. I remember when they happened and thought they were so funny. We had Mama home and she said it was alright. I remember Mama talking about her sex life with Dad in front of us. This I now know is wrong, very wrong. She used it as a weapon to embarrass him and emasculate him. Seeing your experience in words makes me feel shameful and guilty of destroying a person I had loved. I was taught not to love him.

Recently, my sister told me Dad had been hospitalized after the divorce. She only learned of it during her therapy. I asked, how did she find out about Dad being hospitalized? She said Dad wen to several sessions with her. Mama would not go. Did Mama know he was hospitalized? She said she asked Mama and she said she heard he had been hospitalized. My sister asked her why she did not tell us. She said he was just looking for attention. My sister said she was given a copy of his hospitalization report. Even before the divorce Dad was self-destructing and disappearing for hours or days. He would say he did not know where he had been. Then the laughter and attacks began. After the divorce he was found wandering the streets in the city about 60 miles from home. This was over 35 years ago. Doctors did not know what to make of his memory loss. He eventually remembered everything except the prior few days. The doctors were baffled. One doctor took an interest in Dad. In his reports Dad talked about the abuse as a child with the Brother. He said it was horrible and had nightmares most of his life. He told the doctor he had times when he could not remember where he was or had been. He said he may have done things that he never thought of doing. In the report the doctor could not figure out the triggers to his episodes. The doctor said in the report he had trauma related issues. Dad say nothing had happened that was stessful. My sister told the doctor at one of her joint sessions this was not right.

In reality Dad was under a lot of stress. My sister said Dad tried to stop her from telling what happened in the house. My sister did not stop and told everything. The doctor said that would trouble anyone and for your Dad it could have killed him. My sister asked Dad why he did not tell. Dad said in those days no one would believe a wife and children could do such things to a man, a father. My sister told methis is when she broke down and realized she could have killed Dad. She learned more about trauma and what Dad experienced and did were from his abuse and the abuse she, me, my brother and Mama put Dad through. She learned Dad may have reenacted the abuse or done things to cope subconsciously. I spoke to my doctors about this and they said it is common for victims to dissociate and reenact. The doctors said we know so much more about the effects of trauma and childhood sexual abuse than we did 10 years ago.

After this she talked to Mama, who said Dad was useless. She did not tell Mama about Dadís abuse at that time. My sister said Mama was so stubborn and could not admit she or her family were wrong. I asked my sister why she did not tell me. She said my brother and I were stuck in Mamaís fantasy world of being the perfect mother from the perfect family. My sister told me these meeting with Dad is what saved her from her own self destruction. She told me Dad went back to therapy to resolve his abuse issues. He had been remarried for many years by this time. My sister told me she had told my wife about Dadís abuse. I asked my wife and she said how could I tell you with all this false hatred toward your that your Mama created with her family. I had to back down and say she was right.

I hope your children see how rotten they have been. I cried when they left you stranded at the hospital. I saw myself. When my Dad was dying I did not go to the hospital. I was a rotten person and part of a rotten group that tried to destroyed a good person. All because one person needed to be the cnetoer of love with her children. If I could have back the time I would tell Dad I love him. If your children have a shred of conscience they should stop and look at what they did and what they destroyed. They also need to ask why they did and the influences of others. They can never get back the time. I know for them to admit there was abuse to you will take courage. I finally mustered the courage to say it was abuse, my sister said it years ago. Mama and my brother will not. I wish I could tell my Dad I was an abusive son and to ask for his forgiveness.

I want to let you know I admire your courage to move ahead as my Dad did. I resented Dad when did not give to me or any of us. I now understand giving to us would have been giving to those who were destroying him. He was right, we used him and were ingrates. Your children one day will carry the regrets I carry. They can change and I would like to read one day that they have changed.

There are so many on this site that I admire for their courage.

Top
#468414 - 08/03/14 08:41 AM Re: The Circle of Life [Re: sadclown]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Sorryson

I am sorry if my prior posts caused you pain and reminded you of your past. I was only telling my story and did not want to trigger anyone. I understand your pain and hopefully with the help you are receiving you will come to terms with the past.

I understand you are dealing with much, the family issues, your own CSA, learning of your father's CSA and separation with your father and his death. You need to take care of yourself. I can tell you as a father, a parent, your father always loved you. He just knew he had to keep his distance to protect himself and also to protect you. Please do not resent your father for not giving to you, he learned supporting or giving to those who were less than kind, and as you said abused him, would only enable them to continue hurting him. Never be the enabler it only brings more heartache. I love my children and I too need the distance, I tried to reconnect, but realized only they can help themselves and open their minds. Their lives have been impacted for years.

I believe you have made great strides, you have admitted what happened and realizes it was abuse. Sadly many have a very narrow view of what constitutes abuse. You are facing the issues and that is the only way to heal. Your sister seems to have strength and understanding of your Dad and his past. She has overcome many obstacles and sounds like she is now the core of holding everyone together. Keep talking with her and she can fill you in on who your Dad was and how he lived. From what you have written your father found a happy place in life with a wife and her family. That is important to remember, he was happy but I can tell he had something missing, you and your brother.

I am no more courageous than anyone else here. We all struggle to be whole. We want to heal, which does not mean the abuse did not happen, it means it no longer controls us.

PM if I can help you. I know it is hard when dealing with everything that is spiraling in your life. It will get better and it sounds you are in good hands with your wife, sister and doctors.

Kevin

Top
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.