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#466864 - 06/21/14 10:08 AM After the Storm Passes
sadclown Offline


Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
This storm has passed. Surely, the tempests will return, as they always do, but today is overcast with a chance of partly sunny. To me, that weather is tropical.

Two weeks ago, I had an enlightening memory and shared it one week ago with my T. After saying a fraction of it aloud, I fell quite deep into the rabbit hole. It is unsettling that the first time I really and truly began to understand what the experience was like for me during that sad chapter, I immediately sought to assume guilt. For that week, I was enjoying the world-class benefits package provided to members of the (not so) exclusive Dysfunctional Family and CSA Club: sad, jumpy, frightened, in pain, and awakening in cold sweat to unremembered nightmares. After the short list of my coping skills failed, I went with the old standard: alcohol. And for that miserable week, I don't begrudge myself a drop, quite frankly.

7 days after sharing with my T, the clouds parted, and I spoke with a very close friend of mine about the experience. He was aware of my bender, having a front-row seat. According to him, when he inquired about it during the drunk, I said only "I can't hold all these feels right now" (a reference to a Facebook meme) and "I don't get it; I didn't have any teeth...how do you do that with no teeth? I have teeth now." Anyways, seeing me actually sober, we did discuss what the week had brought me and I explained in detail the memory, the feelings, and the connections it brought. In a second or two of raw memory, I covered so much data that it took a solid ten minutes to explain. It was potent and it picked off quite a scab.

Day 3 of being dried out is fine enough, the pain is largely abated, though I do feel the concern of just how readily I assume blame. The simple fact is I was given a dysfunctional family and that is literally as much explanation and cause as there is. But being a scapegoat for so long makes it hard if not impossible to recognize that, on this one, I am entirely blameless. It's rare to actually be devoid of any blame in something, but here it is so. Logically, I get it. But emotionally, it's like saying 2+2=5. A feather can knock me back into behaving and thinking like I was taught to by people who had anything but my best interests at heart.

I feel spoiled to have the few very good friends I do. They are of a quality that my family should have been. I am scared to be so open at times, but I am more scared to need them. How could anyone tolerate, let alone love, the real, unmasked, brutally human me? I try to ignore that sense- they stay loyal and enrich my life. I hate that when someone is in a bad mood, I think it's my fault. I hate that these amazing people in my life are met by me with so much fear and apprehension. The other day, we were in a mind-numbingly slow line to get food and passed the time making funny voices, quoting movies, and cracking jokes. We spent the time publicly giggling and being goofballs. I can bear some embarrasing truths and imperfections to these people, and they never treat me like I'm different. We still play hard, talk about crazy academic topics, talk shop, and they continue to be there when I need to talk about this heavy subject. You can't put a price on that kind of camaraderie and loyalty.

Externally life, is good; internally, the rains have stopped. They'll be back, surely. And I don't want to think about that, or what the storm will bring next time. I will use this good weather to build/rebuild and keep the faith that when the rain comes back, I have people to help me hold the lead umbrella.

One day, I will believe that I am likable and worthwhile. One day, I will believe I am competent and have good things to say and that I bring good to the world. One day, I will rely and trust that the close people in my life today will be there tomorrow. One day, when the rains come, it will not be so stormy. One day, I will lay the blame on the people who hurt me and absolve myself of the "terrible offense" of being a kid, a kid denied attention unless it was violent.

One day I'm going to like and value myself.

It's not today, but a kid can dream, right?
_________________________
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

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#466867 - 06/21/14 11:03 AM Re: After the Storm Passes [Re: sadclown]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 244
Loc: Southeast US
Hi sad clown,

I don't know about you, but for me, your post was just what I needed, a reminder that things aren't too bad right now - will probably be rather cloudy again real soon - but I WILL be able to face the day, no matter what may come.

My hope is that your own ONE DAY will be here sooner than later, and with friends like you've described it's going to be much easier. Good luck, and stay well.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#466868 - 06/21/14 12:27 PM Re: After the Storm Passes [Re: sadclown]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I've begun to envision the me who is becoming as a pyramid that was built backwards, and in desperate need of repair. All the shit that was piled on me since birth is all at the top of the pyramid--way,way,way more than I can support. So, this lifetime is spent in continuously expanding my base. As I expand and shore up the building blocks of the foundation of my pyramid--understanding, wisdom, basic tools, coping skills less damaged people seem to have--I develop a structure that can support all my experience. And, this structure I am developing will hold all my experience in consciousness, supporting me on my journey instead of causing me to stumble.

Your elegant descriptions of brutal material makes awful stuff very easy to read. I hope you are able to appreciate your skills.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466873 - 06/21/14 04:43 PM Re: After the Storm Passes [Re: sadclown]
SurvivingMe Offline


Registered: 04/09/14
Posts: 20
Loc: Texas
Sadclown:

I am grateful to know you.

SM

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#466879 - 06/21/14 09:43 PM Re: After the Storm Passes [Re: sadclown]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1584
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: sadclown
One day, I will believe that I am likable and worthwhile. One day, I will believe I am competent and have good things to say and that I bring good to the world. One day, I will rely and trust that the close people in my life today will be there tomorrow. One day, when the rains come, it will not be so stormy. One day, I will lay the blame on the people who hurt me and absolve myself of the "terrible offense" of being a kid, a kid denied attention unless it was violent. One day I'm going to like and value myself. It's not today, but a kid can dream, right?

This is your goal, your purpose, and your battle. Print this out and tape it to the bathroom mirror, or someplace where you will see it evey morning, starting your day.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#466889 - 06/22/14 10:54 AM Re: After the Storm Passes [Re: sadclown]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 99
Loc: Ohio
I have been sober now for nearly 10 years and in some ways it has made life easier and in some ways, harder, although artificially so. When I was drinking I could send myself into oblivion where I felt, knew and cared about nothing. In that sense I was able to put a band-aid over the deep chasm which is the wound of CSA -- and, in my case, ASA also. I am doubly blessed.

But now as someone in long-term sobriety I also recognize that for the first time I am actually dealing with the crap which infests my history. I am not setting it aside to let it fester more; I am talking with my therapist about it and sharing here on MS. I have noticed the flashbacks decreasing in both intensity and in number. But the anger is still there.

In short, sobriety has been a positive thing. It does not necessarily make life easier because now, rather than smothering the memories and emotions in a cushion of alcohol they are in the open demanding positive attention. I still go to meetings and remind myself everyday that there is no problem which cannot be made infinitely more terrible by taking a drink, because I know that it will not end in one drink. One is too many and ten is not enough.

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