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#466777 - 06/19/14 08:31 AM I Just Blew Up...*Triggers*
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
...over washing my hands and brushing my teeth.

My mom and I just had a huge fight over it. Imagine that. I couldn't hold it in anymore. "SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!" She just kept pushing and pushing and nagging and nagging and shouting at me and arguing with me and telling me not to get pissed over such small things. I choked her. I choked my own fucking mother and shoved her into the hallway and out of my room. I punched the glass of the cupboard in the hallway. I just smashed a can of Pringles and now they're scattered in pieces all over the room. I just lost it.

I'm still in shock. I just heard my mom knocking on the door gently and calling out my name, all nice, like nothing had happened.

I think I'm slowly losing it. I'm going crazy. I was afraid something like this would happen one day. It's a step closer to killing them.

I'm going to go out and get drunk tonight. Fuck them and their rules.


Edited by concerned_husky (06/19/14 02:31 PM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning.
_________________________
Husky

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#466778 - 06/19/14 08:35 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Now I heard my dad's voice. He got home before I could get out of the house. Perfect. Shit just keeps getting better and better.
_________________________
Husky

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#466779 - 06/19/14 08:37 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
What's done is done. All you can do is try to make the right choices moving forward.

((((Husky))))

Sorry you are going through such a rough time. Try and find a place to calm down and where you can get some support at the same time to work out what you need to do.


Edited by Rich1967 (06/19/14 10:11 AM)
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#466780 - 06/19/14 09:43 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 287
((((((Husky))))
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#466781 - 06/19/14 09:58 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Husky,

Sending you love and support, and hoping you can find the time and space you need to figure out how to keep yourself safe.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466782 - 06/19/14 10:04 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Smoking now. Drinking coffee. Just wrote down everything that happened in my journal. Standard protocol. I have to see my dad in half an hour for a drink. Fixing the cracks in my mask so I can go back to being "normal" (i.e. blame everything on myself, or on anything but my family).

Thanks for the immediate support guys. Tonight will be rough.


Edited by concerned_husky (06/19/14 10:10 AM)
_________________________
Husky

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#466783 - 06/19/14 10:11 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
There's a time and place for things and right now may be the time to just keep the peace. As you are talking with him see if you can focus on the path the doesn't hurt you anymore than they already do and can stabilize the situation so you can make decisions removed from the heat of the moment.

Good luck.

((((Husky))))


Edited by Rich1967 (06/19/14 10:11 AM)
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#466784 - 06/19/14 10:46 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
Hang in there man.

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#466785 - 06/19/14 11:28 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 768
Loc: michigan
((( husky)))) I am so sorry you are in such a difficult place man i really have no sage advice to give you. I TOTALLY wish i did. I do think though that being summoned to "have a Drink" is perpetuating an illusion of theirs. it seems that as a grown man you have the option to go or not, to do or not. I know its not that easy I havent gone to see my father in months largely because it is just so damn difficult, when I get around him I become that scared little boy again. in any event man try to not let the guilt push you too hard. what is happening happens on two sides they have a part in it as well. she needs to learn to leave you alone when you say leave me alone. I so hope it gets better soon man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#466786 - 06/19/14 12:00 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
tbkkfile Online   content


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 222
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Thinking of you Husky, sending you love and support from over the pond.

((((husky))))

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#466789 - 06/19/14 12:50 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: tbkkfile]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Hey Husky. I don't want to come across like I have the right answer in your situation with your parents. I was triggered immensely and was instantly back in my bedroom with my foster mother screaming at me in the doorway. I had failed to get up to start her car for her and I woke up to her screaming at me. When I stood up she fired her keys at me hitting me in the head. I picked them up and was going to throw them back at her. The anger inside me was frightening. I really felt at the time I could have killed her. It was not over the incident at the time but built up after years of violence and abuse she perpetrated on me and my sister. I walked up to her and grabbed her wrists and backed her out and across the hall and into the closet and shut the door. I am so grateful I did not go any further, but the anger that had built up in me after years of her hate and cruelty was right there at the surface. I can feel it now talking about it.
May I suggest to you Husky as a fellow survivor that you get yourself some support now. This is too big for you my friend. You need outside professional support to intervene in the situation on your behalf.
Please forgive me If I have gone to far but I have been there and it registered so clearly with me. I stayed away from my foster mother as much as I could after that incident. It was the first time I defended myself and stood up for myself and quite frankly it scared the shit out of me.
Take Care of yourself Husky. It is time for you to put your safety first.
Sentry.

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#466793 - 06/19/14 02:40 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thank you so much for the support guys...

I really don't know what to say. I'm still in a state of shock and I'm numbing myself as much as possible. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have MS. It's scary to think of the possibilities.

I really hate coming across as panicky, but jeez, it's been a rough day. I hit the bottle and I'm trying very hard to forget what happened (thankfully it doesn't take much to get me drunk) - I'm going to try and sleep it off and maybe process more tomorrow.

And Sentry - thank you so much for sharing that painful incident with your foster mother. I'm really, really, really sorry this triggered you (I added a trigger warning after I read your post), but so much of what you wrote allowed me to understand what is and was going on.

Again, I really appreciate all of your help, everyone...I wish I had more to say. Hopefully I will tomorrow...


Edited by concerned_husky (06/19/14 02:46 PM)
_________________________
Husky

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#466794 - 06/19/14 03:04 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Husky -

i don't want to come across as nagging - because i know that you have heard this before - but - this just really underscores the importance of you getting the hell out of there as soon as you possibly can. whatever you can do to make that happen, it should be your number one priority, IMHO!

be careful and take care of yourself,
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#466816 - 06/20/14 12:34 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 241
Loc: Southeast US
((((((Husky))))))

It's been a few hours since the "blow up" and I hope things have settled down a bit and you feel more in control of how you're coping. I know in my own situation getting away from parents was like a whole new life of freedom. Obviously, I don't know your personal situation, but sometimes family relationships are just too toxic to try to deal with. Parents can cause such pain and heart ache. I wish I had some great advice to offer, but I don't, I can only say my thoughts are with you in this difficult, difficult situation.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#466821 - 06/20/14 07:31 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 287
How are you doing Husky?
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#466822 - 06/20/14 08:19 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thanks for the support guys...

Lee - if all goes according to plan, I should be out of here within two weeks. I just have to lay low and act the part for a bit longer. You're right - it sure was a (scary) wake-up call.

CJ - I'm sorry you had to deal with a toxic family too. That really is the word, toxic.

Sven - I'm doing alright. I'm still in limbo-world but I think I'll manage, at least for the two weeks I need to.

It really is toxic, though. This...impossible, unspoken demand to be "cheerful" at any cost is slowly testing my sanity. On the way back home last night, my dad basically took an emotional shit on me, saying stuff like "oh well it doesn't seem that you have any reason to be so frustrated you have to make a mess in your room spilling chips everywhere" and "you have to tell us what makes you stressed, even though I know you think there's no point in telling us"...and then this morning my grandmother dragged me to have breakfast with her and my mother and she said something like "let's all get along and eat together!"...and then before I went out today I had to interact with my mom and she said something like "isn't it nice, parents and children...we all have some fights every now and then"...it's like HELLO I FUCKING CHOKED YOU YESTERDAY DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG?!

Ugh. Sorry. It's hard to put a plug in it once I get started. Just two weeks though. 14 days. 365 days a year, and I dealt with them for over 20 years, that would be more than 7,000 days endured...14 isn't much.
_________________________
Husky

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#466823 - 06/20/14 08:44 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
tbkkfile Online   content


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 222
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi Husky, I'm so glad that you've taken a positive step forward, it's the first stage in reaching a better place and we're with you all the way, you don't have to do this on your own.

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#466824 - 06/20/14 09:01 AM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Husky - two weeks - that is good to hear. you can do that. you will do so much better once you are in a less sick and toxic atmosphere. hold on and be cool - a better time and place is within reach.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#466840 - 06/20/14 06:40 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
You've got a worldwide group standing with you here through the hard times, Husky.

Keep reminding yourself that this is not a permanent situation.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#466903 - 06/22/14 09:54 PM Re: I Just Blew Up... [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 352
Loc: NY
Husky:

Do you think you could share your plan for leaving? I think it would be good to go over it with supporters and survivors here.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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