Newest Members
uvagrad4, cricket1007, Nickie98, jahfree, Daryl X.
12497 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
joeybird (54), ladyinwaiting (46), txpearl (46)
Who's Online
3 registered (JHNebraska, 2 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12497 Members
74 Forums
64172 Topics
447803 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#466674 - 06/16/14 10:42 AM The Black Hole (aka my mother)
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1154
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
I finally wrote it all out. What all my mom did (or didn't do) from ages 10 to 16 (when dad got custody). She never physically touched me, but MAN the neglect, narcissism, disregard for "protecting" my young mind/morals all added up to serious abuse. One of my friends read it and said she'd be in jail if she did that stuff today.

I have had this "black hole" in my heart toward her. Feeling ... nothing? Getting upset occasionally when she paints the "rosy" picture of my childhood. But... beyond that? NOTHINGNESS. For now??

She is elderly now, lives 2,000 miles away. I do not have to interact with her much, and I don't. Damn it was 40 years ago!!! All those SECRETS. Still keeping them TODAY! WTF??

Jim
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#466706 - 06/17/14 03:54 AM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 824
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jim,

I'm only now in my mid sixties getting to my rage at my mother. For me, secrets are poisonous to me. I still have many I am unaware of, but I uncover them as quickly as I am able, and out them as soon as I can.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467099 - 06/29/14 03:29 PM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
Tiger1982 Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Slovakia
Hello, JIm

I can relate to your topic so much. My mum did also physical stuff to me. But I feel, that the neglect, lack of love, lack of nurturing touch, lack of feeling understood, lack of feeling accepted for who I am, have made more damage that the physical stuff. I also feel a lot of rage - similar to Don. When I was young, I couldn't express it, because SHE wouldn't let me. I'm learning these days to express my emotions, my opinions freely. It adds a whole new level to my existence. But I feel that I should have learned all of these skills when I was a little child.

It think that my mother has no idea how she has hurt me with all the things she has done. I haven't seen her of for 3 years and I'm doing my best to piece my life back together. Many of my friends know her and they have no idea what she has done to me. They just can't understand what some mothers are capable of...

Take care, Jim and Don, I wish you all the best
_________________________
Out of the dark, into the light.

Top
#467105 - 06/29/14 10:35 PM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 824
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks, Tiger. I haven't seen or talked to my mother, or the rest of my family either, for 12 years. Don't ever plan to see any of them again. It took 11 years after leaving my family for me to begin to remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother. Narcissism describes my mother perfectly. She is not capable of seeing or valuing anyone else. I had/have an enormous amount of rage towards her. I have a pillow at hand always to beat the shit out of. Once I started letting the rage out, I never know when another bubble of it is surfacing.

I read an article on traumatic amnesia caused by betrayal, recommended by another MS member. The author says betrayal by a caregiver is a pretty big deal, because withdrawing from a caregiver decreases survivability. So, evolution has created mechanisms to "forget" the experience in order to survive. It was an eye opener for me just in terms of validating my experience, and has opened another chapter of rage for me. I get more and more comfortable feeling it and expressing it each time it comes up. I wish you all the best, too, Tiger.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467203 - 07/03/14 01:08 PM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1154
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Thanks Don and Tiger. My current counselor (who read my 5 pages of mother stuff) is suggesting forgiveness. That I simply thank her for being the best mother she could be at the time. It kind of stunned me that he would suggest that, and I could see that that could be the way to "let it go." But the more I think about it, the more I want to say "no effin way."
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#467206 - 07/03/14 01:35 PM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 824
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jim1961,

I have forgiven my mother and let her go. HOWEVER, I internalized all her horror and suppressed all the feelings. So, the work I'm doing now is releasing my feelings and rage. They are historical at this point and have to be released for me to move on, for my thinking to clear and heal.

But, I'm real clear this is my stuff now and has nothing to do with her. She was a sick woman. I don't intend to maintain any connection with her any more. I don't know exactly how to express it, but I do not import her in any way when I do my rage work. It is my buried rage towards her THEN I am expressing NOW, but it is not towards her today. I'm expressing my buried rage, but I'm not sending it out into the world. Hope this makes some sense.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467208 - 07/03/14 02:43 PM Re: The Black Hole (aka my mother) [Re: Jim1961]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1154
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
It does make sense. I had some good "releases" of frozen pain and anger using EMDR a couple years ago. Specifically when my father left, and later the CSA and assault. None of that work was specific to my mother stuff though.
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.