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#466094 - 06/01/14 07:25 PM Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost.
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
Hi,

Im appreciative of this website & everybody on here.

Gist of it is if you find yourself going through hell don't stay there.

<3


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:44 PM)

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#466096 - 06/01/14 08:13 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Hi Kylie - I am sorry you are hurting and I am sorry there is so much confusion.

I can't really address him but I can tell you that you need to set some boundaries in your own life. Unfortunately it seems that wounded people push and push until they feel limits (and then push a little more to see how firm they are).

No man is worth your kids. No man. So you need that boundary in place first and foremost.

Beyond that, it is up to you to decide what you will and will not stand and then set a firm limit, communicate it and never allow it to be negotiated.

You have to protect you. You have to love you. That is the first step.

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#466100 - 06/01/14 09:05 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
mmm


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:24 PM)

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#466101 - 06/01/14 09:09 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
o_O


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:27 PM)

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#466102 - 06/01/14 09:11 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
<3 we all have one


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:25 PM)

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#466191 - 06/04/14 03:40 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hi Kylie,

I'm a dad and a partner who had an affair on my wife... stupid, worthless affair... a terrible decision, and it took several months of therapy and a HUGE struggle to keep my wife and kids before I could admit what happened to me and begin to take responsibility for my own actions.

In my experience, those two things have to come together... a true accounting of the history and then a willingness to take responsibility for my own history, the pain I've caused... the decisions I've made. And then it takes a serious commitment to therapy over a long, long time to heal. At least that's what it's taken me.

Like other guys on this site, I was sexually abused as a kid. That's all I'll say about that now, except to add that the damage done to me is no excuse for the damage that I have done to other people.

You'll have to make your own decisions, and I really respect you for coming here and airing your situation, but I think you've got to put yourself in the driver's seat. I agree completely about no man being more important than your kids. I'm glad you're on anti-depressants. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety. That sounds painful. It actually sounds like you're terribly traumatized. I hope you can begin to reassert your self-respect and self-care, because that's worth more than any man or any body, too. Nobody has the right to abuse you or your children.

I know, from where you are, it may seem like it's easy for me... a perfect stranger... to say these things. I've never met you. But let me tell you, I've walked my own path, and there's been times when it's been pretty damned hard. And I know how imperfect we are as humans. And still, I say, you're worth it. You can get your life back together. Things will improve. You can get your kids back. Maybe you won't get the bed and fridge and stuff, but those things can all be replaced. You've got to start working on yourself and your kids. I'm sad to say it, but your man, in my experience, isn't going to reckon with the truth if he can bully and torment you.

Good luck. I sure hope you can find a healthy path forward.

Bob

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#466221 - 06/05/14 03:03 AM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
Thank you Bob,

I really appreciate that. Thank you all so much .


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:30 PM)

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#466222 - 06/05/14 03:23 AM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
o_O


Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:32 PM)

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#466295 - 06/06/14 01:21 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
In my opinion, you're worrying too much about helping him. Speaking as someone who struggles to rid myself of my own shame-cycle and lies, it seems to me that you're rebuilding your dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship rather than a strong and straightforward one. To be honest, someone worrying about me and hoping to see progress is one of the easiest situations to manipulate. I began the hard process of reckoning with myself, my past, the pain I had endured and the pain I caused when I quite literally had no other choice, no other way to save my marriage and my family. Since then, it's been years and years of hard, hard therapy. It's been absolutely worth it, but every day is hard. There isn't one moment of light shining through and then things are better. This is about changing almost everything in the way you and he operate together, and how he relates to himself internally in every respect, in every situation. This doesn't get fixed with a revelation.

This is going to sound harsh, but I'd worry more about you and yourself and less about him. A lot of women here will probably tell you the same thing, I imagine. Please don't take this wrong.

You're right about the guilt not belonging to the victim... to him... or to you. But each of us must be responsible for ourselves, if we're ever going to change and stop the cycle of abuse. You see, almost all of us were manipulated in hideous ways. And so we turn around and manipulate others. We'll use our own guilt to prove to ourselves how bad we are. It's a way for us to justify what happened to us... it happened as cosmic punishment because we're so bad. It's a way for us to bring sense and reason to a tough world. But the only problem is it's not true. He's not bad or cursed or whatever. Neither are you. Nor your kids.

You can change the way you live, so it functions in a healthy way. You've got to start by being responsible for yourself and those most dependent on your, and that's yourself and your kids. That's not him.

And as for the straight up sharing of the hard news of the abuse, be careful not to overinflate the importance of it.

I don't know. I feel like I'm just being negative. Maybe you're right. You're the only one who really knows. I just wish you the best. I hope things work the way you want them to.

Bob

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#466412 - 06/09/14 05:51 PM Re: Im a girlfriend, lost troubled & hurt & more lost. [Re: Kylie]
Kylie Offline


Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 25
Thanks Bob,



Edited by Kylie (06/14/14 06:34 PM)

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