Newest Members
jmr2191, autumn, tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom
12425 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
12to17 (58), Aaron7712 (48), Defiance Is Best (46), Interpreter (30), Kenn (55), RichardPaulPoill (68), soul (34), Tyler845 (27)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12425 Members
74 Forums
63808 Topics
445577 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#46651 - 12/17/03 12:34 PM Post for a friend, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I know that often times people will say something happened to 'a friend' or they are asking advice for 'a friend'. Well, this is actually about a friend, one who knows of this place and has been reading here, and would have joined if it had allowed him to register (still don't know what happened there, we tried different times from different browsers). Anyway, this is something we have been at odds about some today, and I am posting this with his permission, as he would like input from people who 'understand' better then me.

This friend also has been victimized by sexual abuse, by same man as myself actually. He also hadn't started thinking too much on it or dealing with it until more recently. But this has to do with a coping skill of his. I have my own bad ones. I have drank too much alcohol in past, I have been nasty person to people, I go out and will have someone hurt me, or will hurt myself. But this is one that has been talked about a bit lately, but this is a different way of it, I think.

What he does as a 'coping thing' or stress relief, whatever, is the self-pleasure. But normally, he will not do it alone. He will search at 'Romance' type chatrooms online, and engage in fantasy 'cybering' with another man (although he does not know whether he's gay or not, always with this, it is with a man). Always, the man will be much older, and the fantasy will involve pain, humiliation and degradement to him. Sometime he will even hurt himself while doing it, to excite the other man and to make his own pleasure better.

What worries me of it is that it is like reenacting the abuse itself. And is that a healthy thing? I don't know, if that is somehow him dealing with things or keeping himself in that same place, being submissive victim to another older, bigger man. I tried to explain my worry to him, and he told me that 'you don't do it at all, so how would you know?' Which is true, I admit that, and admit that I am probably the stranger one of the two of us. I asked him about posting it here and seeing what feedback other people give and he agreed. Like I said, we tried registering him here a couple different times, from different computers even, and for some reason it would not work. So I am posting it here, as he can still read the replies.

I just want him to be safe and begin healing as well, and want to help him break any negative habits that may hold him back. If this is not something negative, then of course I will not say anything else of it.

Thank you,
leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top
#46652 - 12/17/03 12:57 PM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
I believe that, like alcohol, drugs, food addiction, etc. this behavior is exactly what you think it is Leosha. It is a habit that provides instant gratification (the orgasm, maybe even the pain) but ultimately provides a reason for your friend to continue to view himself in a negative light. This is what we were all taught, that we are worthless and deserve little, or nothing positive in our lives. I have engaged in similar types of behaviors, as have many on this board, and I know that nothing positive will come of it, especially if he is only recently beginning to address his SA issues. What he is doing is referred to as acting out sexually, something common among many of us. I do not want to cast judgement on those who enjoy pain, degradation or humiliation in a healthy manner. But because your friend has these issues with SA, my guess is that he is not in a healthy place and he is (like I continue to tend to do) keeping himself in that place because it is what he knows best and change can be terrifying. Ask him to try to put that activity on hold for a while and see if he feels better for not putting himself through it. I'm guessing that he will find a new sense of self-respect for protecting himself because he was not sufficiently protected during the abuse. I wish you both peace.


Top
#46653 - 12/17/03 01:30 PM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
leosha,
as was said above, acting out can be very destructive to the person doing the acting out. there would seem to be no harm to individual or others if such acting out is done over the web, but that is not true. the harm comes from what happens to the person acting out. i can only speak from my own experience. after my former wife left me i was left in a hole that i could not dig myself out of, i did not want to dig muself out of it. i surfed the web and lived the fantasy life i always wanted. what made it unhealthy was the fact that i was living this fantasy life exclusively. i would get up in the morning and go to work, go home with a half case of my favorite brew, and surf the rest of the evening till i passed out/ went to sleep. that all changed when lady theo came into my life and i was more stable. when the memories started coming back i slipped right back into that need for escape and ended up surfing for porn again. this time i not only hurt myself with this acting out, i also devastated lady theo. fantasy can be healthy, but when a survivor starts using fantasy he or she has to be very careful because fantasies for us easily turn into something destructive because at some point we are reliving the abuse. the cycle spirals out of control from that point. acting out our abuse touches our soul deeply and it is for this reason that we should try our best to avoid such behavior. i struggle every day with wanting to surf for porn, sometimes it is worse than others. in fact, when i had that episode two months ago when i was dissociated for three hours right after therapy, i was struggling with taking my life and surfing for porn. i had to escape. acting out hurts us in a very deep way, leo, even when the acting out is seemingly harmless to self and others because it reinforces the lies we were told. take care, my friend, and please tell your friend that he is cared for and we are there for him should he decide to reach out.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#46654 - 12/17/03 03:41 PM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Leosha,

I have been/am in a situation similar to your friend. I am glad to read the responses to your post here as they have helped me to see my behavior in a new light though I have read similar things here before.

I see that acting out is destructive. I am aware that all I do is relive/re-enact/recall the SA I experienced. I feel driven to do this, have half-heartedly tried to stop without success. I have trouble imagining what life would be like without it. I mean this is very serious. I don't know who I am without that "release."

Perhaps your friend is experiencing something like this also.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#46655 - 12/17/03 07:00 PM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
maroon, theo, brayton:

i read your posts and want to reply. i can identify with what you all shared. i am a 41 yr old virgin, emotionally incested by my mother for 30 years and emotionally abandoned by my father from birth. he physically abandoned me for most of my life also.

i have used masturbation and pornography to try to meet my needs for companionship, intimacy, sex, love for more than 20 years. this friday will make 800 days/114 weeks since i last brought home any pornography. i very much miss it. i do not know how long i can abstain from it. i try to understand what to do: continue abstaining or start using it again? i know i am not well. i know i am not alone in my struggles and suffering.

it is good to be here at this site. that is all for now men. it has been too long since i visited malesurvivor. may our Gods belss us all. sincerely,


bec


Top
#46656 - 12/17/03 07:03 PM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leo'
check your PM's

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#46657 - 12/20/03 09:33 AM Re: Post for a friend, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thanks for the responses. My friend has seen them. Now, if we can just get him registered here!

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.