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#466440 - 06/10/14 09:17 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 93
I have talked with my couselor about the inner child. He tells me we all have one. He said from the abuse and my experiences with my family I have a child that is stuck as a child. He is hurt and needs me to find and accept him. I do not know how. We are working on it. He said I will find him in my pain, once I let it out. I am scared to find more pain. I have so much right now. He told me to get an old photo about the time I was abused. I found one. I looked at it and remembered it was before I was abused. I looked so happy. There was another picture at Christmas after the abuse, I looked sad. It scared me. My counselor is trying to help me find him. I know I hid the abuse and pretended it did not happen. I pretended so much of what happened did not happen, the priest, Mama's absences, Dad's heart attack, what Mama, my sister and brother and I did to Dad. I remember some and feel sick when I think about it. Will the child inside me make me see everything?

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#466471 - 06/10/14 10:54 PM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Sorryson,

My inner child believes he is bad, mean, dirty, hurtful, awful, etc., etc., etc.

None of this is true. It is what he was taught.

And, I do everything in my power to love him, care for him, and make him feel safe so he can re-grow in a healthy environment.

I've only been consciously doing this for a few months, and it is working. I observe my damaged thinking changing. I observe myself getting stronger as ME.

It sounds to me like you are getting the support you need. And, yes, I believe in time that uncovering what is hidden does reveal everything. IMO, it is not a process that can be rushed.

Best of luck to you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466473 - 06/11/14 03:12 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: Still]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Originally Posted By: Still

For me, I had to recognize what and who he was. That he was profoundly in awe of the world around him, and that he died...fundamentally died, when he was devoured. He was as good as buried as well.




Same happened to me.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#466477 - 06/11/14 09:16 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
pattom Offline


Registered: 05/20/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Southern Midwesternish
thanks for all of the support, insight and encouragement. the road to recovery for me appears to be full of potholes and cover with s***. getting better is the hardest thing i have ever done. if it wasnt for you guys, i would have abandoned my recovery by now. thats as true as it gets.

when i sent the original post i had no idea where it would lead. it has been an interesting week. its been a roller coaster ride. i did have a breakthrough, just not the positive one i thought was coming. well thats really not entirely true. its positive because its progress, but the reality that i uncovered is really sobering and sad. my t agrees that this may be the right way to go, but if i go in this direction it means that the road will get rougher. that scares the s*** out of me.

after i posted my original message, i had what i thought was an epiphany. i even mentioned this in one of replies. i think this revelation was a good connection to my childhood, but it wasnt the game changer i thought it was, because of what happened next...

it seems like as soon as i pressed "send" the support and encouragement started raining down upon me. for that i am most grateful. but one message i received helped me see everything from a new perspective. our friend traveler (lee) sent me a pm full of support, encouragement and insight. within that message he posted a couple of links to threads about inner child work. one of the threads was this:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2278#Post462278

for me this was a powerful read. i really connected with his story about his passport photo. i think it moved me because my own exploration involved photos of my younger self. his description of what happened as the photo was taken really hit home. it was then that i got it. i had a proverbial lightbulb moment... im looking in the wrong direction. in my pursuit of little boy patrick, all of my original attention was focused on the happy boy. this is the child i was really hoping to find. when i look at him, the pretty little boy i was, there clearly is nothing i can do for him. his fate was sealed not long after this photo was taken. i would very much like to know what it felt like to be carefree and joyful, but thats really about it. my anger over this image is because i cant save him. i cant stop what is about to happen to him.

the only one i can save is me. thats the boy in the other picture. hes the one who was f***ed over, literally and figuratively. you can see it all over him. and its still all over me now. he is my inner child. and he is very much alive. i see him and feel him everyday. i just didnt want to admit it. i was letting my desire for a happier ending block the truth. so in essence he was rejected again.

but just as lee did, im trying to see my younger self with new eyes. this photo was taken at ground zero, within months, or during, the most violent part of my CSA. i see it all. im not just seeing all of that pain, im feeling it too. its all coming back up... the fear, anger, betrayal, grief, sadness, and the huge void of loneliness and isolation. and oh my god, the f***ing shame. it feels like im drowning in all of it sometimes. in the past i would always suppress these feelings. i cant do that anymore. im going to have to embrace them for awhile. no one validated my feelings when i was a child. im going to have to do that now. the only way out is through this f***ing minefield.

it appears as though i found him. thats is major. my t calls that a breakthrough. i thought that breakthroughs were cause for celebration. this is not a high five moment for me. the truth is sad, and it hurts.

at therapy on monday, i discovered something else. its so simple yet powerful. the reason i am here today is because little boy patrick decided that staying alive was important, even with all of the baggage weighing him down. i now know that i was powerless. there was absolutely nothing i could do to stop my sexual use and abuse. the only thing i could do was survive it. the bravest thing i did was stay alive. when i look at this photo now, with new eyes, i can see that courage. and clearly, i was not a freak. there was nothing repulsive about me at all. i was just a little boy walking through hell.

this has been an intense week. i posed the following questions in a few PMs. i have to throw it out there to everyone. im not sure if im looking for reassurance or proof. when i started my recovery journey all i said i wanted was peace. so i have to ask, all of you guys who are further along in your recovery, are you at peace with your CSA? is that even possible?

thanks for listening

patrick
_________________________
Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid.
You've taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway.
Laurell K. Hamilton

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#466478 - 06/11/14 09:57 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1372
Loc: kansas
I'll put it to you this way.

I find that starting in recovery is the hardest part. It is incredibly scary, full of landmines and is difficult. It is a long journey as well. To be honest, it SUCKS!

but....

you will start to get some results. Hang onto them no matter how huge or small those results are. These are the stepping stones towards going farther in your recovery.

keep sharing and keep asking from other survivors here. We do understand and are more than willing to help. Also hang onto hope and believe in yourself and the process. Take it one step at a time. You are going to make it.

I believe in you and have faith in you.

there is peace. You have to work hard through some of the scariest and toughest crap ever, but you can, and will, come out on the other side with more peace in your life.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#466479 - 06/11/14 10:01 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Patrick,

I'm at peace with the process. Not at peace much of the time. I'm worth every ounce of effort I have to give to myself. No one can do this but me. If my last breath is in healing all the damage done to me, I will consider this a very successful lifetime. There is an overall peacefulness and confidence that builds in me as I continue to do this work, and experience positive changes in myself. I read somewhere that strength and stamina are one. I have to pace myself.

Sending you support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466526 - 06/12/14 10:10 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: pattom]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: pattom
...are you at peace with your CSA? is that even possible?


At peace with [the] CSA? NFW

Is it possible? NFW, not for me. I can be more at peace if I stop trying to reach a state that is not reachable. I've had to face that "some damage is just plain permanent!"
_________________________
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#466541 - 06/12/14 09:13 PM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: Still]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
This is a quest a lot of us have. It's one of the symptoms most survivors experience.

To me it's been a huge item. I experienced terrible abuse for almost 2 weeks when I was 12. I "remembered" the abuse I experienced when I was in mid forties. I started soon after that with therapy. However, I soon realized that I had some deep residual problems. After several years of therapy I felt strongly as though I was 2 people. I was the adult me, and I was the child me about 12 years old. This wasn't just whistling dixie, either. The child me had been secluded and now wanted to be the one who was running the show. To let that happen would risk making a lot of mistakes in front of people. People just can't accept having a grown man who acts like a child.

This situation wore on and on for perhaps 20 years (yes you heard right). Then I found EMDR therapy. The EMDR lifted most of this burden. It seems that the feeling of being a kid was locked in because of trauma I experienced when I was 12. I have written this up as pufferfish story part 5. It was brutal abuse and I don't necessarily recommend that anybody read it unless you know you can handle it. The abusive events went on for almost 2 weeks. Each day of the abuse held 1 or 2 major abusive events. The therapist went through these with a session devoted to each one. In each session I faced a major abusive event. I felt really bad right afterward but in several days the burden lifted and stayed lifted.

So, it worked. It untied that knot and I no longer felt like the child. At least not in the same way.

Puffer


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#466543 - 06/12/14 09:56 PM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: don64]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 93
Don

I believed I was bad, I let the priest touch me, put his thing where it should not have been. I believed I was bad so Mama left us to get away from us. I thought I was responsible for my Dad's heart attack. I guess with being abandoned by Mama and everything else it was my fault. I never thought this until my breakdown four years ago. I always thought it was Dad's fault. I was told all bad came from him but he was the only one who was always there. Why, I just wanted love.

I am only beginning to understand I was taught to think this way. I wanted to think this way so I would not believe I was the bad. I am learning I did believe I was the bad and it was pushed into the inner child. I killed part of me trying to protect those that hurt me. I wanted to be loved.

I cannot shake these feeling. My counselor says in time I will undersand. I hate the feelings I have for myself. I want to die thinking I hurt Dad and myself.

Everyone says I will feel better once I accept all of this. But I cry and hurt when I try. I do not want to give u. My wife is my pillar and my childrena sre my rocks. I do not want to hurt them.

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#466560 - 06/13/14 11:27 AM Re: the depressing quest for my inner child [Re: sorryson]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: sorryson
I killed part of me trying to protect those that hurt me. I wanted to be loved.


Sorryson:

This makes sense to me, as terribly painful as it is.

This is a pattern I continue to do and try to undo. It is something that probably needs to be done very, very slowly.

Letting go of that need to protect others can happen little by little. At the same time, I feel respect for the parts of me that did it to survive.

As I watch my own children struggle to say what they need, I understand this also. Again, very slowly, I do.

It can take a little extra energy to stay in a caring place for yourself, but I think it is worth it.

Peace and support to you. I hope you can find acceptance of all that is necessary to accept,

FB


FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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