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#466559 - 06/13/14 11:13 AM Wounded to the core
Qpalzmff Offline


Registered: 06/12/14
Posts: 2
This is a confused story and I donít really have anyone I can go to or chat to about it. Mainly I just want to tell someone. Iím a normal guy, 33 years old, Iíve always had girlfriends but Iím a bit bisexual too and Iíve met quite a few guys for casual sex, mainly just oral sex. Just to confuse things even further I was sexually abused on a regular basis by my father from a very early age up to about 9 Ė it only stopped then because he got caught by the police abusing some other boys.
Two weeks ago I was driving back from visiting a friend. It was a four or five hour drive so when I was just an hour from home I stopped the car in a car park by the side of a reservoir to have a rest and stretch my legs. OK so hereís another bit of confusion to add to the story. Someone had told me that this was a regular meeting place for casual sex, especially gay or bi men. The idea was quite attractive and I was feeling quite horny Ė the idea of meeting a guy there and having mutual oral sex really appealed to me.
There was no-one around and no cars parked there however and I decided to go for a stroll round the reservoir. One part of the path went past a forested area. As I was walking through this bit I caught sight of a guy about 50 feet from the path, partly hidden by a tree but clearly with his trousers off and probably masturbating. He was a big guy and rough looking and the situation immediately worried me. I pretended I hadnít seen him and continued. Iíd only walked on another minute when I heard someone behind and then as I turned felt someone grab me round the waist. It was the same guy, naked from the waist down and semi erect. He asked me: ďHave you come here looking for cock?Ē. I mumbled no and tried to move off but he held me tight Ė I was very scared. ďWell why donít you have a suck of this thenĒ he said and forced my head down. I started to give him oral sex. My main fear was that he was going to murder me and I didnít know whether to try to go along with it all or whether that would just encourage him. He kept holding the back of my head and forcing it in. He was very large and I was gagging and suffocating every few seconds. I just wanted him to ejaculate and get it all over with. After a while he pulled me to my feet, undid my trousers and started giving me oral sex. Worst of all was that my penis was semi erect Ė I have no idea why as the situation was horrendous. He had some technique which gave enormous stimulation to the head of my penis. I felt myself come completely erect and then a few minutes later I ejaculated in his mouth. At this point he turned me round, told me to bend over and started licking my anus and pushing his finger up. Finally he penetrated me which was really uncomfortable. All the time I was just wanting it to finish and hoping he wasnít going to beat me up or strangle me after. I thought of running but my trousers were stuck round my ankles with my shoes on. After about ten minutes he ejaculated inside me and pulled out grinning. I tried to grin with him as though it had been some good fun together. I quickly pulled up my trousers and said ďHey Iíve got to go Ė Iím really late for something.Ē He just said: ďYeah, fineĒ and I walked off. As soon as I got round the corner I ran like mad to the car and drove off. I got home and showered, then had a bath. I drank half a bottle of whiskey and ended up crying on the sofa with no idea what to do.
Over the last two weeks Iíve gone through everything. Mainly Iíve felt horribly depressed. I canít bear to think about what happened and Iím having to force the images of it from my mind all the time. Iím not sleeping more than a few hours a night. I have no intention of going to the police Ė to tell you the truth I donít care about him being caught but I donít want the humiliation and waste of time that telling them will entail. Anyway I feel about 90% responsible for what happened. Firstly I thought the idea of a sexual encounter was attractive and somewhere in the back of my mind I feel that if he hadnít resorted to violence we might even have had sex in a roughly similar way. Whatís more Iím sort of bisexual and have had many ďillicit meetsĒ with married bi men. Even somewhere Iím thinking that because I was raped as a child then that predisposes me to being raped as an adult.

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#466565 - 06/13/14 03:03 PM Re: Wounded to the core [Re: Qpalzmff]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Hey bud,
Being bi doesn't give anyone the right to violent treat you nor the right for you to feel that it was 99% your fault. Mutual consent does give carte blanc to someone to cross lines that you didn't want to cross.
I would encourage you, if you haven't already, to talk to a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse. One that will see you as a person and not blame your gender preference.
I've heard here a number of comments about "imprinting". If I understand it is when a person, who may be straight, have been imprinted by the sexual abuse to seek out similar abuse situations to relive the sexual abuse for a number of different reasons; from wanting to be in "control" as an adult, to feeling the need to be punished over and over again for something they were not at fault for. But, a therapist and you would need take that journey to find out. If you can find one in your area, I understand MS has a list of therapists here or may be able to refer one to you in your area.
but please please understand, It is never your fault to be raped or treated violently during sex.
I am proud that you were able to share here. I know that there are a lot smarter people here that can help you, but if I can be a sounding board or help in any manner, please let me know.
_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#466582 - 06/13/14 08:15 PM Re: Wounded to the core [Re: Qpalzmff]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
That was a truly horrendous experience, it was hard enough to read never mind having to live through it.

I would echo what weharry1959 said and think about getting some therapy help, have a read at your own pace on the site here and ask any questions you have.

I don't see that you were to blame at all, yes casual sex can be risky, but that does not mean that you are to blame. Consensual sex is what you were looking for not this horror. It may feel like the body betrays us by responding sexually but that is only the body doing what it is programmed to do when stimulated, it does not mean that we are to blame or that we wanted it.

As already said child sexual abuse can leave us seeking to reenact the abuse, it is a human response to the trauma. Being raped as a child can cause us to have risky compulsive behaviours that can put us in danger of further violation, our responses to the danger can be the response of the child we were and in that sense we can be more likely to be re-victimised, once again that does not mean we are to blame, only the criminal abusers or rapists are responsible for their crimes.

Glad you found the site, wish this terrible incident or your childhood abuse hadn't happened to bring you here.

Welcome hope you find some comfort here.

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#466668 - 06/16/14 08:00 AM Re: Wounded to the core [Re: Qpalzmff]
Qpalzmff Offline


Registered: 06/12/14
Posts: 2
It is really lovely to receive your replies of support. It means an awful lot to me. I'm just feeling numb at the moment and I know there are things I should do to get myself out of this. I should go and get an HIV test but I'm just feeling that I simply don't care. I will go and see a counselor, this I promise myself but it all seems a bit too raw at the moment.

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#466735 - 06/17/14 09:06 PM Re: Wounded to the core [Re: Qpalzmff]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Hi again,

The numbness is only to be expected after such a traumatic horror, I can understand why it is hard to care for your welfare now, maybe an HIV helpline might be worth a try, you wouldn't have to say anything about what happened but they would be able to give up to date advice about what is best to do about that risk.

Hope you can soon take some care of yourself.

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