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#466487 - 06/11/14 02:52 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 617
Loc: where the shadows lie
I was a team member
It was my job to solve problems, not cause them
My job to fix crises not have them.

What a mature young man.
Always considerate of other people.

Watch out for that, brothers.
There is a such thing
as raising children
to think
that the only way to be
loving
is to be
a doormat.

You must balance
teaching them to be generous
with teaching them how valuable they are
If they believe their very soul
exists only for the sake of other people
then any predator at all
will have an easy target

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#466488 - 06/11/14 03:10 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 420
If only my mother would have cared about anyone else besides herself
If only the same thing wouldn't have been going on in their family when they were young
If only someone at school, a neighbour, friends parents, someone, would have taken action when they saw the signs of abuse
If only I would have told someone sooner..
If only it wouldn't be all i know since the age of 3/4
If only... life would be fair, but it isn't.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#466490 - 06/11/14 03:38 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 413
I learned from as early as I can remember that anything that happened to me was my fault, a reflection on me, and so I was humiliated by everything that happened to me. I pretended it didn't exist. I didn't even use words to describe it. Plus, it was so horrible that I didn't even have the words to describe it. I didn't know what semen was. I thought it was pee. I was told that "this is what people do." I was told that I liked it. I was told to shut up about it. I was laughed at. I was told, "You should have seen the look on your face." Like I was the problem. Like my humiliation was my fault. I was told that victims of sexual assault become perpetrators. I was told it didn't hurt. I was told that I asked for it.

Plus, he was stronger than me. Nobody understood my acting out as acting out. They just thought I was bad. Or they didn't see it at all. I was surrounded by magical thinking. I was surrounded by lies. The adults in my family had secret lives, which I've only begun to learn about as an adult. The adults in my family have secret humiliations, which I've only just begun to understand.

Plus, I was unsupervised in an apartment complex of unsupervised kids ranging from preschoolers to high schoolers. And some of those bigger kids were sexual predators, and one of them is who hurt me.

He invited me over for koolade, and poured in half a bag of sugar. I didn't even like koolade. He CSA'd me there and at my friend's house when his mom was gone.

Mostly, he lured me places and then CSA'd me with a mix of cajoling, physical force, meanness, grossness, and just plain horrid manipulation.

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#466491 - 06/11/14 03:43 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 324
Loc: canada
because they raised me to believe that the abuse was love
because its all i knew
because i was afraid to lose them
_________________________
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

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#466508 - 06/11/14 09:10 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south
If only my dad had not been so ill
If only my mom had not chosen to vacate reality and physically remove herself for years
If only I had been bigger, or stronger, or braver, or one of the older ones
If only the family had not been so dependent on the older son-in-law
If only we could have had new clothes that fit properly and not so tight when i was 14 he would not have noticed my maleness
If only he hadn't spent months grooming me
If only he hadn't touched me, my body would not have reacted
If only I had said NO, but when I think about it, I remember I did say no. many times. I just didn't remove myself from the situation.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#466522 - 06/12/14 04:51 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
sadclown Offline


Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 58
I was easy prey. My mother married into an incestuous family and by the time I hit the age my uncle liked, I was already positioned to become his newest plaything. Having already endured years of physical abuse, I was isolated from peers and any potentially concerned adults, and discredited enough within the school system to cover the tracks of the beatings and emotional torture I got at home. I was just crazy- and with how well my parents treated my siblings, the story I told of being outcast and mistreated was not believed. Who abuses just one kid, right? Never a stepkid either. Surely.

By the time my uncle got to me, he had already got my elder cousins and ensured I was isolated from them. He baited the trap with the one thing I would have done anything for: human contact.
I went to school, fought because I didn't know how to relate to other kids. I had no extra curricular activities because I didn't "deserve" to. So it was school, home, get beaten, spend day in room, get beaten, go back to school. Repeat. So when every weekend I traded sex for attention, what did I care? I didn't want to, but what choice did I have? Be alone? At least those nights I didn't get hit, I got some weed, and had no rules except to submit sexually. I had no friends, the adults in my family all took it as normal. I was already convinced I had no ownership over my body and violence was affection, already isolated and discredited, and I couldn't argue that my erection meant consent. I was too naive.

And that is how it was made too possible for the only guy in my childhood who was ever nice to me to bring me here to this forum, to write this post.

I wish I could instead write of middle school with anecdotes about bikes, baseball, and video games
_________________________
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

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#466524 - 06/12/14 10:02 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: sadclown]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: sadclown

I wish I could instead write of middle school with anecdotes about bikes, baseball, and video games


Do you remember have no (zero) capacity to engage in frivolity? Remember the other kids being able to enjoy, relax, live, not be on-guard, not be mourning, not feeling like aliens, etc.

As an adult, I get feedback from people (who don't know about me) as to how CSA 'survivors' live their lives. It seems universal that they have no regard for the childhood that was lost, yet they encourage survivors to "forgetaboutit."

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#466530 - 06/12/14 02:59 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
If I had realized that my abuser leveraged my platonic affection for him into accepting his sexual advances, I might've been strong enough to say no.
If I had been older when I was preyed upon I might've known enough to say no.
If my mom was working less hours and not drinking until passing out every night when she got home, maybe she would've noticed and protected me.
If the whole neighborhood hadn't been such an idyllic place to raise kids and families, maybe all parents would've kept their kids under closer watch and supervision instead of letting us roam free.
If the society talked about pedophiles in a sane way, maybe my abuser would've been caught before he ever got to me (I suspect I was just one in a string of children he took advantage of).
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

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#466633 - 06/15/14 04:16 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 617
Loc: where the shadows lie
Originally Posted By: Still
Originally Posted By: sadclown

I wish I could instead write of middle school with anecdotes about bikes, baseball, and video games


Do you remember have no (zero) capacity to engage in frivolity? Remember the other kids being able to enjoy, relax, live, not be on-guard, not be mourning, not feeling like aliens, etc.

As an adult, I get feedback from people (who don't know about me) as to how CSA 'survivors' live their lives. It seems universal that they have no regard for the childhood that was lost, yet they encourage survivors to "forgetaboutit."



You are so right about that.
_________________________
I come here now, and I see lots of anger.
I don't blame anyone for that. It is perfectly understandable.
But it is not healthy for me.
So I'm going somewhere else.

Goodbye and good healing.

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#466647 - 06/15/14 02:38 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 191
Loc: Puget Sound
When your first memories are of being abused and your cousin is a participant you think itís normal to be the recipient of an adult maleís sexual attention, so normal in fact that when he is caught it destroys you and you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome what was normal.

I was just a sweet little boy, I thought everyone did what he did to us, I didnít know it was wrong, until they told me; then my world shattered and Iíve never been able to put it back together again, I spent a lot of my life rationalizing what he did, it was ok, they were wrong, it was ok what he did right?

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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