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#466512 - 06/11/14 09:39 PM I am having a pretty rough time
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
For a bit over a month now, I have pretended to be okay. I am not. I want to break down and not just cry, I want to sob. I want to grieve for a part of me that will never be again. You know, that part that was stolen from me 6 years ago.

It has amplified itself because the perpetrator of that crime which I did not report and I should have, died. A bit over one month ago. He is gone. He requested to see me the week he died. I hesitated for a couple days, but finally relented. It was late in the afternoon and into the early evening, the visit was nice, and I pretended the scars I have were not there.

This man who did this to me, my former special friend that I so truly cared for at one time, said he cared for me… that he loved me… that day. How can you tell the victim of your perverted sexual aggressions you love them? How can you become so confused in your perception of reality that you mistake sexual dominance and control over a medicated man for love?

Anyway, I paid my visit, glad I did. I have zero guilt and behaved most appropriately. But the son-of-a-bitch wins again because he died before the sun came up the next day. I became the last person he had requested to see out of his hundreds of "best friends". Why could he not have just passed away and let someone inform me at a later time?

Now I am left to wonder for the rest of my days if he in fact truly cared about me…or was this just a final play to regain control of my emotions because it was me who had finally said, "no, I am busy today, I have had enough"… meaning I ended the friendship.

But all that matters for certain is that I will never forget that this man is the man who knelt before me on the edge of the bed while I was on pain meds and anesthesia, and he intentionally entered my body. I could not resist. I could not.

And the irrational shame of that dominance and oral rape still at times leaves me incapacitated. This is day five of leaving house only to go work a few hours and then I come home and hide. I haven't done this for a very long while. I just hurt inside and can't figure out exactly how to ease the pain or to block out the tears that well up.

The false fear that I had all these years is replaced with an odd sadness and grief. Had to get it out there. Thanks for reading.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#466514 - 06/11/14 10:25 PM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
ThisMan,

You did a gracious and noble thing to visit him on that day. I think that's honorable.

I read a book by a guy who was also "used" starting when he was 12. The book is well written. It is by Marty Moran: The Tricky Part: One Boy's Fall from Trespasses into Grace.

http://www.amazon.com/Tricky-Part-Boys-Trespass-Grace-ebook/dp/B00IW4DNYG/

We all feel a great sense of loss when we have that taken from us. That will last for a bunch of months but it will slowly decrease, especially if you talk out the pain with a therapist or a trusted friend.

Puffer

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#466740 - 06/18/14 04:39 AM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi This Man,

It doesn't matter what he thought. It only matters what you think. Your reality is not dependent on anything having to do with your abuser. Whether you chose to have expectations of him is a function of your training.

My training is majorly fucked up. My training has ruined most of my life. My training said my reference point must always be outside myself. Not going along with that anymore.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467611 - 07/14/14 10:39 PM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
It's ok to sob.
_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#468615 - 08/06/14 10:38 PM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
this man .... how are you holding up buddy?
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#468616 - 08/07/14 12:09 AM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
dear ThisMan,
i wish i could say something meaningful or relevant.
kind of speechless.
nothing seems appropriate.
i can only tell you…
wishing you well. hope you are ok.
my heart goes out to you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#468675 - 08/08/14 09:49 AM Re: I am having a pretty rough time [Re: ThisMan]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
u ok
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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