I just can't have casual sex. Whenever I have sex, I have to "fantasize" that the girl is going to be in a romantic relationship with me or I just can't have an erection. Whenever I am alone, and I dream about being with a girl, I can have full erections and also when I am sleeping. I can be pretty nasty in my fantasies and I like it, I feel its being "me". But at the right moment...
- feel its not safe (diseases)
- feel I am not desirable (although I know for certain that I have a pretty nice body and personality as a man)
- feel I want to do it but I shouldn't do it.
I tried viagra with different dosages but to no avail. I was seriously considering injections just prior to the act, because I really really don't want to expose my feelings or anything, I just want to enjoy casual sex like the rest of the world population. I feel I cannot be honest and sincere in a relationship if I can't have casual sex. Why? Because I know for certain that the desire to be in a relationship will be tainted by the "fear" of not having sex with a given girl if I am not in a relationship with her - it feels that I always have a "second agenda" when in a relationship and I can hurt the other person because I am not really in a relationship for the relationship's sake, but to have sex. The other person doesn't deserves that; and that's why I AM GOING to fix this (my inability to have casual sex) no matter what.
ps: I am also having trouble finding a experienced therapist in Brazil, if anyone knows one I would gladly contact him.
I live in Brazil and was abused at the age of 8 by a worker close to my family, that had full access to me. The abuse wasn't violent, but I was completely innocent regarding it, and only during my teenage years I fully realized what happened to me. This has caused, as you all are well aware due to your own experience, morbid shame. Add to that a domineering and psychological aggressive father and a emotionally absent mother.
It wasn't till my late 30's that I stopped being the so called 'nice guy', with a morbid shame and now I am fully recovered: respected in work and elsewhere and disclosed my "true" identity partially resembling my own dad (strong personality, but without being intolerant of other people's ideas) but manly my own self. Totally transformed my body (was rather fat) into a bodybuilding, and I love exercising now.
But there is this "last" step I just can't seem to change, although I am determined to as I explained above.
Edited by Ankh_BR (05/06/14 09:52 AM)