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#466448 - 06/10/14 12:31 PM Surrounded by other male survivors?
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 78
Loc: SF Bay Area
Since 2011 I've been living in the Seattle metro area and all my friends up here have been gay male furries, basically. Personally I feel that I was drawn into the furry fandom due heavily to its openness about sexuality as a respite from all my anxieties about sex that were fed into me by my CSA experience and growing up gay and closeted. As I've worked to a point where I re-remember and believe my CSA experience, the part of me that was turned on by furry has switched off like a light switch and I've grown rather disconnected from the fandom here, and am planning on moving back home in a couple months.

And I'm really wondering if it turns out that many of my friends I've made up here are also CSA survivors.

There was my ex (who I moved up here to be with)...he was very emotionally uncommunicative, demanded the freedom to have sex with others and not having to talk about it (he called it poly but it wasn't really poly) and had many terrabytes of porn carefully cataloged and sorted. He was incredibly misanthropic, had deep shame issues about being wanted due to his ethnicity, and could only reach orgasm in a few particular ways. I always had a gut feeling that he had some trauma deep down that he had walled off...

A close friend who has severe depression issues, believes he can't trust other people to give to him what he gives to them, and is heavily into "cub" porn (furry-ized youth or adult-youth porn, basically), his partner who describes himself as having major anger issues (none of which I've ever seen, he's an incredibly nice guy) and also suffers from ongoing depression and is perenially in therapy...another close friend who is medicated for his depression, describes himself as bipolar, and we had a few sexual sessions that only happened after he'd gotten drunk enough, and I feel like coming out to him as CSA has wedged a gap between us...

It seems to be these sorts of traits exist in the handful of people I ended up really connecting with while living here, and it makes me wonder if I subconsciously found comfort and rapport with fellow survivors.

Overall there's so much depression and social anxiety and expressions of odd sexual desires going on in this furry group I just wonder, realistically, did I land myself amongst a group of people who experienced sexual abuse as children? Or am I projecting my own experience on others? I find it very hard to stay in touch with these people now, like I'm only inclined to upend their world view and have trouble relating to people I related to very well with before.
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#466449 - 06/10/14 12:53 PM Re: Surrounded by other male survivors? [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 78
Loc: SF Bay Area
And then you get into the use of fursuits as a ticket to a place of child-like play, like wrapping yourself in an alternate identity...I've only tried one on briefly but it really does feel like a very protected, happy place to be when you're in one. There's a significant chunk of the sexual part of the fandom that's obsessed with frankly ridiculously large dildos (something that fascinated me, I believe because I had been anally penetrated by an adult at such a young age)...I was very interested in a guy who was really into doing that and he turned me down, basically saying "I always destroy my relationships" (which is exactly how I was feeling while I was uncovering my own trauma). So many things point to dissociation, reconnection with child-like selves, size and age play with sex, and so on...

Is it fair to even draw these connections?
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#466469 - 06/10/14 10:36 PM Re: Surrounded by other male survivors? [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Virginia
I think it's totally fair and plausible. I think if you (a) destroy enough of a child's psyche, (b) get him to believe in his heart that sex with women is dirty, shameful, scary and so on, and then (c) "teach" him that what you're doing is ok since it feels good, it really leaves him only one choice.

By now, his budding masculinity has been crushed, he probably is afraid of girls both socially and sexually, and more than likely believes sex is a dirty, filthy thing that can only be possible in secret. What else does this leave besides an attraction toward other men?

Now compound all this with the possibility that his perp was, perhaps, an older friend he respected. Now his concept of male bonding, intimacy in male friendships/relationships, and what it means to be masculine have also been hugely traumatized.

I'd say if he didn't "turn gay" it would be a miracle. I know studies show the majority of self-identified gay men were not molested or traumatized, but it's amazing how many csa survivors who self-identify as heterosexual have such major confusion and/or ssa issues. Just my thoughts.
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Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#466470 - 06/10/14 10:40 PM Re: Surrounded by other male survivors? [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 667
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi NoSimpleMachine,

My experience is I have always known what was going on in my life, but because of the damage done to me from abuse, I had to immediately air brush reality to a non-real version that could accommodate being abused. My abused self was so traumatized that I had to re-write my experiences in such a way to make the trauma seem so much less severe than it was, just to stay psychically intact.

There is no way I could come out of this in any healthy way or connected to reality in any way.

It is no surprise to me that you would begin to feel very differently as you begin to consciously explore your abuse. I have only recently begun to experience my perceptions as being honest parts of who I am, available to me, and integrating this into me consciously choosing what is right for me. And, it is still very hard to pull off. It involves walking through my fears of the original trauma. But, I believe each time I do it the early fears reduce a little, and I become a little stronger.

For me, this is about how do I learn to trust my own experience. Other people can share their own experiences with me, but they can never tell me how I feel about my own experience.

Don


Edited by don64 (06/10/14 10:44 PM)
Edit Reason: add last paragraph
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466483 - 06/11/14 12:01 PM Re: Surrounded by other male survivors? [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 78
Loc: SF Bay Area
gettingstronger, I don't identify as heterosexual and believe strongly that abuse does not turn men gay, though I'm inclined to agree that abuse can confuse issues of masculinity and same sex attraction for any abuse survivor, and also that issues of sexual identity are very hard for gay survivors of abuse because of the conflation of sexual identity, experience, and shame at the intersection of personal experience and the attitudes of the culture.

don, I find the surreality of having a furry identity as a major factor in why I was drawn to it and is a big part of the connection between being abused and being furry, so you talking about air brushing reality in order to cope with your abuse sounds a lot like running away to furry in order to find some peace within myself (temporarily)

Thanks for your input guys.
_________________________
I've known love, I've known pain, and I've called them by each other's names.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tazGZU4ufGM

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#466502 - 06/11/14 08:20 PM Re: Surrounded by other male survivors? [Re: NoSimpleMachine]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 667
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I've always been gay. But, I have some serious ssa damage that has prevented me from having any kind of satisfying sexual relationships with men. I keep working away, and won't ever stop doing the healing work I need to for myself. But, it sure would be nice to feel comfortable in my own skin and to experience comfortable intimacy in this lifetime. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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