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#466180 - 06/04/14 10:34 AM I May Be Ready to Tell
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 51
Yesterday I met with my doctor and had group last night. At group for the first time I talked. I would go and listen. I was afraid. I started to talk and tell what happened to me. My words were all over the place. People looked at me with kindness. I began to cry and several wrapped their arms around me. I kept talking.

I told them I was 9 not yet 10 year old the first time it happened. My Dad had a mild heart attack and Mama came home from Chicago. She had been going there a lot because grandma was sick and the three sisters and two brothers who lived there said Mama was needed. Dad recovered quickly. After about four weeks home Mamaís family needed her. She told she had to go because everyone else was busy. I remember hearing at the bus stop motherís talking about Mama and how could she leave. They said it was not safe for Dad and the children. They said Dad was ill and could have another heart attack. One mother Mrs.______ said she told Mama this but Mama said they are so busy and one of her sisters was taking her children to Disneyland. I thought we never get to go there, only Chicago. I was hurt but everyone around us was helping. My religion teacher Fr.____ was good to me. He helped me with homework after school and brought me home. He made me feel good. He brought ice cream to the classroom one day when he was helping me with math. I loved strawberry ice cream. He touched me on my leg and began to rub his hand up and down. He told me I was a good boy and my Mama would want me to feel loved because she could not be here. I just remember shaking my head. Over the next days and weeks we did things that were wrong. He touched me everywhere. He had me hold his pen**. He asked me one day if he could touch and hold mine. It just kept going. He raped me after several times of rubbing it up and down my rear end until one time I felt pain. Over time it did not hurt as much. He kept telling me I was good for him and he would be there for me. He told me Mama only loved her family and left whenever she could and Dad was sick. It had to be our secret because others would be jealous. I remember crying at first. After awhile I did not cry, he would give me ice cream and kept telling me what we had was good. I could not tell Dad because I did not want to give him another heart attack and Mama was never there. When she was she was always sad for grandma.

Fr.______ was moved from our parish a few months later, I do not know how many, after it began. I missed him at first but soon I began to forget what happened. He visited one day a few years later, he shook my hand and said I was a fine young man. That was it and he never said he missed me. I tried to keep going.
My life over the past four years has been out of control. I had a nervous breakdown four years ago. I could not do anything. A wonderful doctor saw there was something deep in me causing me pain. He was patient and gentle. I slowly told him about Fr._____. He started trauma work and I was doing ok until about 4 months ago when my Dad died. I was estranged from him for decades. Mama and Dad had a bad divorce. When grandma died and Mama returned there was a lot of hostility in the house. Doctors told me Mama felt left out and Dad was now too much a part of the childrenís lives. She did whatever it took to take over. Things got really bad, Dad was verbally and physically attacked. Mama wanted us to be involved. She would scream and pout so we could hear and now I know she played the victim, but Dad was the victim I am learning. I can never tell Dad because he is gone. I have so much guilt. I went to his funeral and learned he had been sexually abused by a Brother at his school. I was sad, he knew I had been abused and when he reached out to me I turned him away. My wonderful would talk with him. She loved him and watched out for him. She was close, and I did not know it until the funeral, with Dad and his wife and her four children. My children also knew their grandfather because of this wonderful woman. If it was up to me, they would not have met him.
I am ashamed of so many things. The abuse, how I treated my Dad, how I let Mama destroy me and my brother and sister. My sister made peace with Dad years ago and Mama never forgave her. My sister is an alcoholic, sober for 25 years and I am so proud of her. She has been through therapy and learned te absence of Mama and how Dad was treated were part of her need to drown her pain. My brother still lives with Mama and makes fun of Dad and everyone else. They have their own self admiration club. I am lost and struggling. I had days when I wanted to end it. Only for the grace of my wonderful wife did I find any strength to keep going. Today I am struggling more because Dad will never know how I felt nor will I ever really know him. I only have good memories when I was young and the memories of how we ill treated him. My memories of the sexually abuse are stronger now and I cannot sleep or eat at times. I cry all the time. Strangely after I cry I can laugh.
Last night being held by other survivors gave me hope and I have not felt his good in months. I hope it lasts. I am sorry if I was all over the boards I was scared and confused when I started writing the other day. I hope I did not scare anyone.

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#466207 - 06/04/14 11:04 PM Re: I May Be Ready to Tell [Re: sorryson]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Hey SS,

Welcome to MS, and I am so sorry to hear what you were put through when you were 9 or 10. It is tragic that this happens so often, and affects so many men's lives. It sounds like you have some good insights about it and about your family, and are on the slow and difficult road to healing.

You've shown alot of courage already. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth all the pain and effort. And remember there are about 12,000 guys here who get it, and will watch your back when things get tough. Reach out whenever you need to.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#466233 - 06/05/14 09:28 AM Re: I May Be Ready to Tell [Re: sorryson]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Hello Sorryson

You words showed courage. As Jude said you know many of the issues you face from the abuse and your family. We all have challenges in life and you have taken brave steps in telling your story.

I am glad your support group was so welcoming and gave you hope. Yes being with other survivors helps to put life into perspective. We share your pain and we understand what has plagued you for a lifetime.

Stay strong and remember what you say here does not scare anyone but reminds us how important is for us to share our concern for you and hopes you heal well. You have lived through much in your lifetime. Remember it is the tomorrows we are striving to thrive in and not let the past control us. Surround yourself with people that support you, give you hope and do not anchor you in the past. Heal well and share when you are comfortable. There is plenty of venting here, and I hold more than my fair share. Letting it out can make one fee better. I like the fact you said you can laugh after you cry. Crying releases the pain.

Kevin

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#466249 - 06/05/14 06:13 PM Re: I May Be Ready to Tell [Re: sorryson]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hello sorryson,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for you to have found and joined us here at MS.

I feel deep sadness when I read of all the dysfunction you have had to endure.
None of us should ever have to deal with that much pain and turmoil.

I know it must have been difficult to write it all down, as I too regurgitated my story as my introduction when I first came to MS.
It is tough to read and would have been tougher to live through.
But you are a survivor, and one with great strength and resiliency.
I know this because you are here, you are participating in a group, and you can cry.

Please do not worry about the length of your posts or how scattered you may see them as.
We all get it and can figure it out.

You have the right to feel proud of disclosing your truth, both here and in your group setting.
You have the right to a life without the dysfunction of your past.

Welcome, take care and keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#466316 - 06/06/14 10:15 PM Re: I May Be Ready to Tell [Re: sorryson]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 51
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Today I told Mama I needed time away from her. She kept telling me how much she loved me and how Dad was the bad one. She even said that Dad told her to leave us, which is a lie. I said I need to stop hearing about how bad Dad was and how wonderful she was. I just want to get better. I am getting stronger but know I need help. People have to remind me that it is up to me to put the good people first. My wife said it was my decision what I told Mama. Mama called my wife later and said she needed to tell him he always said I was the good one and his Dad was the bad one. My wife said, he is starting to think for himself and it would be best if she let him think for himself and not what he was told to believe. Mama hung up. I do not want to hurt her but I have to see the abuse and stop denying everything or I will never get better.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know you are also dealing with memories of your own abuse. I am starting to feel better. Being here has helped.

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#466497 - 06/11/14 06:40 PM Re: I May Be Ready to Tell [Re: sorryson]
Drummer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 13
Loc: Florida
I just wanted to point out how brave and courageous you're being through all of this and to say that your wife is a wonderful person and obviously a strength for you. I'm so happy that you have her understanding. I, too, have a wife that not only understands but supports me, even when I may not be the kindest person to be around. I can tell you that the journey does get better, the happiness that seems so far away or impossible is actually on its way to you already. You're so right to stand up for yourself; to make YOU important to YOU! Not the easiest thing to do, I know.
_________________________
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
Tear down the wall!
"The Trial" from Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

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