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#465391 - 05/16/14 04:54 AM afraid of not being able to change..
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 14
i'm still new at this process of dealing with my abuse , i struggle with loneliness , not being able to connect with anyone i feel guilty ashamed and comfused , why is it so hard for me to connect with ppl especially who have gone similar experinces as me. i feel inadequate , what i'm thinking for instance when i came here and thinking about posting is or just in any situation where i'd like to socialize...i'm not showing any emotions ..how can any one relate to me??? no one will respond to me ..they'll probebly think i'm a fake and they'll be disapointed in me and shun me ..i suck at this why do i even bother?)...'i'm often worried that ppl won't belive me and be perceived as fake a liar!i can't shake away this constant worry obsession i'm so sick of it ! it makes me feel like i'm not going to be able to progress ..i dont belive that anyone would truly relate to me , even if they respond i would feel like this can't true they are probebly just faking it ..i would hate my self even more, complaining about being lonely and then juging them when they try to understand me... come on who do you think you are? ...
.Mark-
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The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#465393 - 05/16/14 06:10 AM Re: afraid of not being able to change.. [Re: 96789594]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 603
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Mark,

I talked to my first male survivor of sexual abuse last September, here on MS. I had, and still do, keep a lot of craziness in my head. Just let me say that everything in your post is familiar to me. My experience is talking about it with fellow survivors has helped me feel less alone, less isolated, more normal as a result of abnormal events effecting me, worked as a vehicle to release a lot of pent up pain, and been a source of support for my own creative process in helping myself in my own healing process.

You have taken a great and important step just sharing your thoughts and feelings. Write all you want to and need to. It can take a while to develop trust in yourself, and the only way to do it, in my experience is to dip your toe in the water. There are a lot of good guys here who are compassionate and have good experience in the recovery process. I hope you feel accepted and cared for. I'm certainly rooting for you.

I was abused by both parents, but sexually abused, physically abused and tortured by my mother in infancy and early childhood. She had two younger children to work with by then.

Don


Edited by don64 (05/16/14 06:14 AM)
Edit Reason: add last paragraph
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465418 - 05/17/14 04:23 AM Re: afraid of not being able to change.. [Re: 96789594]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 14
hey Don
ty u so much for ur support it's really does make feel less crazy what ur saying i'm really sorry u have been hurt by ur both parent it's must be really difficult ! but i can tell you that although i havent been abused sexually by my mother or father just by stranger i was phisycally and emotionally abused by my mother in infancy also ,my mother used me to vent her frustration and anger
but she also used to treat me as her partner i couldnt even understand at that time how devestating it is , she was ignoring my need as a child and belived that i'm only ment to fulfill her own emotional need , becus she didnt had the ability to get her needs met by my absent father or other adults ,
Mark
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#465427 - 05/17/14 12:21 PM Re: afraid of not being able to change.. [Re: 96789594]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 603
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Mark,

My experience is the kind of emotional and physical abuse you describe in infancy creates severe problems. I'm only getting down to the feeling level of my infant self now in my 60's. I hope you don't need to wait as long to make sense of things as it took me. But, even if it does, it's worth it.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465437 - 05/17/14 07:04 PM Re: afraid of not being able to change.. [Re: 96789594]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Mark
Hi I was sexually abused by my uncle starting at age 3-4 and then by my father till I was around 12 plus mentally and physically abused. I am now 50 and starting to deal with it. My point is a lot of men here have experiences in their lives and can relate to you even if you think they can't. My head is a mess but it helps to vent on here and get perspective. Hope you find what you are looking for.
James

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#466486 - 06/11/14 02:14 PM Re: afraid of not being able to change.. [Re: don64]
gaatt Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 91
Hi Mark,
Originally Posted By: don64
I had, and still do, keep a lot of craziness in my head.


I have experienced the feeling of being crazy many times. My mother used to specifically use that term to describe me.

Writing here has helped me as has reading. Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer" helped me a great deal, particularly as the awareness of abuse was first dawning on me, as did Hani Miletski's "Mother Son Incest". I've dropped therapists who didn't "get it", I've had many friends and acquaintances who didn't "get it", but some do. Those are very precious people. You will find many here.

We're not crazy, we are simply struggling with wounds that are highly taboo to even recognize in a culture which in my understanding is profoundly ill.

Hang in there buddy, treat yourself well and keep connecting with people who "get it". Ignore the rest.

Cheers,

GAATT.
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Love is the answer

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