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#466083 - 06/01/14 01:35 PM I think it might be over
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Well I think my marraige might be over. I've been living with family for a month and H still hasn't made a therapy appointment or starting reading Mike Lews book that he said he would read a chapter in each week. I'm so tired of the excuses about how he just been to busy to find a therapist take any steps towards recovery.
He's just been taking off every weekend with his buddies to go drink and try to forget what a mess he is. I'm so hurt that he tells me he doesn't want a divorce and that he knows he needs help but then doesn't do anything about it.
I have some therapists for me that I'm going to call this week. I clearly need help sorting through all of this. His behavior hurts. It makes me mad that he make a decision either get help and do it or don't and get divorced.
I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of losing my home and my marraige. But its starting to feel like that's the only option unless I want to be drug down by his mind games.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#466112 - 06/02/14 09:44 AM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
If a ship is sinking it is best to go to a lifeboat.

I would not sacrifice my life for on not willing to do anything to save their own

Love and compassion have sane and resonable limits.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#466113 - 06/02/14 11:03 AM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
susie Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 20
It's good to draw a line if a survivor is not ready to work on his issues yet. You are going to feel better after all, trust me. Don't waste your life on this crap and move on. I know it sounds hard, but that's the way it is. Good luck and lots of strength!

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#466114 - 06/02/14 12:36 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
foreverloved Offline


Registered: 02/16/13
Posts: 12
Loc:
The best thing from my experience to do is not push him into a therapist or reading books. If he says he will he will hopefully eventually but on his own terms, something like this cant be forced even if they say they will and don't. Its not an easy thing to open up to someone about such a traumatic event. Sometimes some people have to lose everything to see it for themselves, maybe they just need that little push. It is a good thing for you that you are looking after yourself and seeing someone. You did everything right showing support and love by getting him books and giving structure. we can only do so much until they decide to help themselves. What I would recommend if this is the way you feel by leaving, i wouldnt stay out of his life. Still find ways to be there because when he is ready hes going to need someone, assuming that he is the one to tell you what happened to him right there him coming out says i need you, but you need to keep you and your family safe until then. Go to an appointment, talk and listen to what they have to say, then sit your h down and have a heart to heart talk and even share about your appointment or even try this before the appt. Tell him what you need from him, and ask him what he needs from you. Sometimes its just best to ask and listen. Be strong. I hope I was some help.

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#466157 - 06/03/14 03:55 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 694
Loc: NJ
If the situation has become unbearable, and your partner will not or cannot change - the only thing that you can change is you. Change is scary - but unhappiness is worse. I know you have tried many different things - but this is your life and your chance to be happy. I don't support abandonment as I think many survivors have abandonment issues (don't we all) - but I do support boundaries and limits. This is what I need. Either you can give it to me or I have to make a change. That is hardly unfair - it is human. Codependents are those who sacrifice their own needs in order to stand by unhealthy partners.

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#466165 - 06/03/14 08:35 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Yeah bottome line I have to take care of me. I talked to H Sunday by phone and he said he knows he needs to start the healing process and understands why I am so upset and frustrated. He admitted that he has been putting it off. I told him my expectations and what I needed from him. He sounded sincere and receptive but at this point I'm hesisitatant to get my hopes up. We have a trip with a couple friends coming up that we decided to go on. I'm a little nervous about my ability to try to just relax and have fun and not dwell on all the painful stuff going on.
I'm getting some therapy lined up for myself to help me decompress and process everything. At this point my plan it to work toward financial independance and save for an apartment. This will take me several months. If by the time I'm ready to get a place H isn't moving forward with his healing then I will file for divorce. I haven't told him that this is my plan because I worry that he will just feel like I'm threatening him. I'm so over managing his crap and realize how unhealthy it is for me to try.
In the past I've told him that if we get divorced then that's it for me. I won't be interested in seeing or speaking to him again because it will be to painful and I will just need to move on with my life. I feel like giving him a few months to start his healing is more than generous. He has the money and time to work on himself so he is the only thing standing in his own way. I'm really annoyed with him because I've told him to either choose to handle it or choose to not handle it but pick a option and move with it. Whatever he decides I'm going to move forward with or without him.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#466202 - 06/04/14 09:59 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 340
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: HD001
We have a trip with a couple friends coming up that we decided to go on. I'm a little nervous about my ability to try to just relax and have fun and not dwell on all the painful stuff going on.


HD001:

This dilemma is very familiar. It comes up all the time, so much so that I'm not surprised by it.

The mother of my kids and I have been separated for four years. During that time we have never stopped taking care of the kids and we have also been on numerous trips. The hardest thing is that people see one thing on the outside that doesn't necessarily coincide with what's on the inside. But amidst pain and difficulty we have shared a lot of good things and made a connection that is both tenuous and fortifying.

As time goes on, I've seen that dwelling on the past is fruitless. There is no place to go but more into the present moment, yet that is easier said than done at times. What's hard is to recognize that the past belongs to the past and that in some ways, things can never be the same once the pain is being confronted.

I have found this very difficult to make peace with. It goes against the grain of making everything appear normal and healthy. Sometimes I think the standards of dysfunction that she and I have would not be tolerated by other members of my family, who nonetheless face similar problems. But through it all, I have come across many resources within that I could not have imagined.

Sometimes the medicine coexists very near the pain. These days, I am accepting that fact of life. It strangely affirms that what was difficult about the past was in fact true and hard to face. But I'd rather be in touch with the fear of that than letting it drive me further from what life has to offer.

Hope this helps,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#466246 - 06/05/14 03:10 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: focusedbody]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Thanks FB
I'm going to do my best to try to leave the past in the past. H needs a lot of things right now but my anger and judgement aren't one of them. I've put boundries in place for myself and so now I just need to be patient. I don't want to spoil a perfectly good trip because I can't be present.
If we can find a way to just let go and enjoy each other I think that would be best for both of us. There was a time when I felt very close to H. There was a time when I felt safe and cared for. Its hard for me to understand why is is putting off his healing. From my vantage point he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking control and going for it. Unfortunatly I have to remember that he has a different view of the terrian and to him it looks terrifying and frought with danger. Realizing that there is nothing I can say or do that will snap him into reality has been a tuff one for me.
Also knowing where to draw the lines in this situation has been hard. How much should we see each other? Should I call each day to check in or create some distance so he can reflect? Should we be intimate even though he hasn't started taking steps toward recovery? When to hang on and when to let go is so hard to know. I asked my Mom what she thought I should do and she said she had no idea. Most wives would have given up by now in her opinion and so I was just going to have to figure it out and she's proud of me for being so compassionate and devoted.
Well shit I guess I just have to go on what I know. I know I love H. I know that I'm not ready to be without him right now. I know that his csa colors his view of the world and controls a lot of his behavior. I know that if I were him I would hope I had a partner who believed in and supported me till the bitter end. The trouble comes because knowing these things doesn't help me sort out the details of our interaction that's where I feel lost.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#466371 - 06/08/14 03:24 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Quote:
Love and compassion have sane and reasonable limits.


Well said.

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#466456 - 06/10/14 06:29 PM Re: I think it might be over [Re: HD001]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
Hi To all of the ones in this section who have written...

THe book Sexual Healing by Wendy Maltz is a good book to read on sexual abuse and how to heal. She is a sex therapist and sexual abuse counselor. IT is important for a survivors to see a therapist who specializes in both. Talking is healing as well as doing it. Both for the survivor and the other.

I know several couples on both sides that have done both and also nonsexual touch in between times to help with the healing

IF you think about it the motehr and father would have given nonsexual touch for the child until age 18 and would have helped the adult child to be comfortable with sex on the first nite.

For a sexual abuse victim they need that nonsexual touch daily which helps in healing the sexual abuse.

The thing I have noticed about both male and female from the abuse trauma is that they are afraid to talk. And talking about the feelings not necessarily about the details is what needs to heal.

Actually for both male and female the details are not important unless it is the thing that is affecting function of life.

I know of several persons who have wanted to heal by doing it sooner than a month or six months instead of waiting years.

The spouse who is not an abusive victim is called a secondary survivor and you need support and someone to talk to about how to help you in this and understand what is going on. It is vital that you seek a local therapist or a group for you too to listen from other spouses wo have been there.

I mentoring fathers and women from another site who have benefit from teh support and understanding of what needs to happen in order to heal. The key is for you spouses of males who have been through sexual abuse is to seek if not online counseling for the support etc somewhere. In addition to here because you need to have someone like a sex therapist like Wendy to give you pointers on how to help someone. The key is they need to relearn healthy touch. THat is vital to healing. We all need nonsexual touch.

Both the male and female I have supported have benefit from the nonsexual touch while the abuse victim is healing from sexual trauma etc.
I highly recommend Wendy book and she has stuff online too.
Sexual Feelings During SExual Abuse is also vital to read and is by Kali Munro
IT explains what is going on with the victim in ...

I know several fathers I talk and women from other sites who have sought therapy for understanding about their spouses abuse.

I know I am forgetting something.

If you want to write me offlist to ...

Judith

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